ADES 
FABLES 


GEORGE  ADE 


The  Old  Corner   Book 

Stnro. Inr. 


ADE'S  FABLES 


You  are  entitled  to  One  Hundred  Thousand 
Dollars,"  murmurs  the  stealthy  Promoter 


ADE'S  FABLES 

BY  GEORGE  ADE 

BY  THE  SAME  AUTHOR 

The  College  Widow,  In  Pastures  New,  Knocking  the  Neighbors 
Fables  in  Slang 


Illustrated  by  John  T.  McCutcheon 


GARDEN  CITY  NEW   YQRK 

DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 
1914 


Copyright,  1912, 1913,  by 
COSMOPOLITAN  MAGAZINE 

Copyright,  1914,  by 

DOUBLEDAY,    PAGE    &   Co. 

All  rights  reserved,  including  that  of 

translation  into  foreign  languages, 

including  the  Scandinavian 


CONTENTS 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Private  Agitator    PAGE 

and  What  He  Cooked  Up  ....         3 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Speedy  Sprite    .      .       23 

The    New    Fable    of    the    Intermittent 
Fusser         \.       43 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Search  for  Climate       62 

The    New    Fable    of    the    Father    Who 
Jumped  In 83 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Uplifter  and  His 
Dandy  Little  Opus 100 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Wandering  Boy 
and  the  Wayward  Parent         .      .      .     119 

The    New    Fable    of    What    Transpires 
After  the  Wind-up          .      .      .      .      .     137 

The  Dream  That  Came  Out  with  Much 
to  Boot      .....      .      .      .      .     155 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Toilsome  Ascent 
and  the  Shining  Table-Land    .      .      .     171 

Abe's  Fables  V 


vi  CONTENTS 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Aerial  Performer,      PAGE 
the  Buzzing  Blondine,  and  the  Daughter 
of  Mr.  Jackson          .      .      •      ...     193 

The  New  Fable  of  Susan  and  the  Daughter 
and  the  Granddaughter,  and  then  Some 
thing  Really  Grand  ......  212 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Scoffer  Who  Fell 
Hard  and  the  Woman  Sitting  By  .  .237 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Lonesome  Camp  on 
the  Frozen  Heights .257 

The  New  Fable  of  the  Marathon  in  the 
Mud  and  the  Laurel  Wreath  ...  281 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"  You  are  entitled  to  One  Hundred  Thousand  Dol 
lars,"  murmurs  the  stealthy  Promoter.  Frontispiece 

FACING  PAGE 

Every  time  he  sauntered  carelessly  across  the  porch, 
he  gave  a  correct  Imitation  of  a  troop  of  Cav 
alry  going  over  a  Wooden  Bridge  ....  43 

Father  came  in  and  took  one  look  and  said :  "  Not 
for  Mine!  I  won't  stand  for  any  Puss  Willow 
being  grafted  on  to  our  Family  Tree."  ...  83 

He  was  dazed  and  horrified  to  find  himself  suddenly 
subjected  to  the  demoralizing  Influences  of  the 
Small  Town 119 

Nearly  every  evening  the  Tradesman  would  back  up 
to  the  Student  Lamp  and  put  in  a  delirious 
half -hour  with  the  Views 155 

He  liked  to  tow  something  that  would  cause  the 
Oyster  Forks  to  pause  in  midair  and  the  Catty 
Ones  to  reach  for  their  Hardware  .  .  .  .  193 

He  tore  up  the  Medal  Score,  gave  all  the  Clubs  to 
the  Caddy  .  .  .  lifted  a  grimy  Paw  and  uttered 
the  Vow  of  Renunciation 237 

He  talked  Numbers  to  himself  as  he  sped  along  and 
mumbled  over  the  important  Letters  he  was 
about  to  dictate  .  281 


ADE'S  FABLES 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE 
AGITATOR  AND  WHAT  HE  COOKED  UP 

AMBITION  came,  with  Sterling  Silver 
Breast-Plate  and  Flaming  Sword,  and  sat 
beside  a  Tad  aged  5.  The  wee  Hopeful 
lived  in  a  Frame  House  with  Box  Pillars  in 
front  and  Hollyhocks  leading  down  toward 
the  Pike. 

"Whither  shall  I  guide  you?"  asked  Am 
bition.  "Are  you  far  enough  from  the 
Shell  to  have  any  definite  Hankering?" 

"I  have  spent  many  Hours  brooding  over 
the  possibilities  of  the  Future,"  replied  the 
Larva.  "I  want  to  grow  up  to  be  a  Joey 
in  a  Circus.  I  fairly  ache  to  sit  in  a  Red 
Wagon  just  behind  the  Band  and  drive  a 
Trick  Mule  with  little  pieces  of  Looking 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Glass  in  the  Harness.  I  want  to  pull  Mugs 
at  all  the  scared  Country  Girls  peeking  out 
of  the  Wagon  Beds.  The  Town  Boys  will 
leave  the  Elephant  and  trail  behind  my 
comical  Chariot.  In  my  Hour  of  Triumph 
the  Air  will  be  impregnated  with  Calliope 
Music  and  the  Smell  of  Pop-Corn,  modified 
by  Wild  Animals." 

Ambition  went  out  to  make  the  proper 
Bookings  with  Destiny.  When  he  came 
back  the  Boy  was  ten  years  old. 

"We  started  wrong,"  whispered  Ambi 
tion,  curling  up  in  the  cool  grass  near  the 
Day-Dreamer.  "The  Trick  Mule  and  the 
Red  Cart  are  all  very  well  for  little  Fraidy- 
Cats  and  Softies,  but  a  brave  Youth  of 
High  Spirit  should  tread  the  Deck  of  his 
own  Ship  with  a  Cutlass  under  his  Red 
Sash.  Aye,  that  is  Blood  gauming  up  the 
Scuppers,  but  is  the  Captain  chicken-hearted  ? 
Up  with  the  Black  Flag!  Let  it  be  give 
[4] 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

and   take,    with    Pieces    of  Eight   for  the 
Victor!" 

So  it  was  settled  that  the  Lad  was  to 
hurry  through  the  Graded  Schools  and  then 
gehttk&s  Buccaneering. 

But  Ambition  came  back  with  a  revised 
Program.  "You  are  now  Fifteen  Years  of 
Age,"  said  the  Wonderful  Guide  with  the 
glittering  Suit.  "It  is  High  Time  that 
you  planned  a  Noble  Career,  following  a 
Straight  Course  from  which  there  shall  be 
no  Deviation.  The  Pirate  is  a  mere  swag 
gering  Bravo  and  almost  Unscrupulous  at 
times.  Why  not  be  a  great  Military  Com 
mander?  The  Procedure  is  Simple.  Your 
Father  gives  the  Finger  to  the  Congressman 
and  then  you  step  off  the  Boat  at  West 
Point.  Next  thing  you  know,  you  are  wear 
ing  a  Nobby  Uniform  right  out  on  the  Parade 
Ground,  while  bevies  of  Debutantes  from 
New  York  City  and  other  Points  admire 
[5] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

you  for  the  stern  Profile  and  Military  Set- 
Up.  After  that  you  will  subdue  many 
Savage  Tribes,  and  then  you  will  march  up 
Pennsylvania  Avenue  at  the  head  of  the 
whole  Regular  Army,  and  the  President  of 
the  United  States  will  be  waiting  on  the 
Front  Porch  of  the  White  House  to  present 
you  with  a  jewelled  Sword  on  behalf  of  a 
Grateful  Nation." 

;<You  are  right,"  said  the  Stripling.  His 
eyes  were  like  Saucers,  and  his  Nostrils 
quivered.  "I  will  be  Commander-in-Chief , 
and  after  I  am  laid  away,  with  the  Cannon 
booming,  the  Folks  in  this  very  Town  will 
put  up  a  Statue  of  Me  at  the  corner  of 
Sixth  and  Main,  so  the  Street-Cars  will 
have  to  circle  to  get  around  it." 

Consequently,  when  he  was  in  his  21st 
Year,  he  was  sitting  at  a  high  Desk  in 
an  Office  watching  the  Birds  on  a  Tele 
graph  Wire.  The  Knowledge  he  had  ac- 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

quired  at  the  two  Prep  Schools  before  being 
pushed  into  the  Fresh  Air  ahead  of  Time 
had  not  made  him  round-shouldered.  He 
was  a  likely  Chap,  but  he  wore  no  Plumes. 

He  became  dimly  conscious  that  Am 
bition  was  squatted  on  the  Stool  next  to 
him. 

"Up  to  this  time  we  have  been  Dead 
Wrong,"  said  the  Periodical  Visitor.  "There 
is  only  one  Prize  worth  winning  and  that  is 
the  Love  of  the  Niftiest  Nectarine  that  ever 
came  down  a  Crystal  Stairway  from  the 
Celestial  Regions  to  grace  this  dreary 
World  with  her  Holy  Presence.  Yes,  I 
mean  the  One  you  passed  this  morning  — 
the  One  with  her  hair  in  a  Net  and  the  Cameo 
Brooch.  Why  not  annex  her  by  Legal  Rou 
tine  and  settle  down  in  a  neat  Cottage 
purchased  from  the  Building  and  Loan 
Association?  You  could  raise  your  own 
Vegetables.  Go  to  it." 
[71 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Four  years  elapse.  Our  Hero  now  has 
everything.  The  jerry-built  home  of  the 
Early  Bungalow  Period  stands  up  bravely 
under  the  Mortgage.  Little  Dorothy  is 
suspended  in  a  Jump  Chair  on  the  Veranda 
facing  Myrtle  Avenue,  along  which  the 
Green  Cars  run  direct  to  City  Hall  Square. 
The  Goddess  is  in  the  kitchen  trying  to 
make  preserves  out  of  Watermelon  Rinds, 
with  the  White  House  Cook  Book  propped 
open  in  front  of  her.  Friend  Husband  is 
weeding  the  Azaleas  and  grieving  over  the 
failure  of  the  Egg-Plant. 

He  finds  himself  gently  prodded,  and 
there  is  Ambition  once  more  at  his  Elbow. 

"You  are  entitled  to  One  Hundred  Thou 
sand  Dollars,"  murmurs  the  stealthy  Pro 
moter.  "Why  should  some  other  Citizen 
have  his  Coal-Bin  right  in  the  House  while 
you  carry  it  from  a  Shed?  Your  Wife 
should  sit  at  her  own  Dinner  Table  and  make 
[81 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

signs  at  the  Maid.  And  as  you  ride  to 
your  Work  with  the  other  dead-eyed  Cattle 
and  see  all  those  Strong-Arm  Johnnies 
coming  out  of  their  Brick  Mansions  to  hop 
into  their  own  Broughams  and  Coupes,  have 
you  not  asked  yourself  why  you  are  in  the 
Horse-Cars  with  the  Plebes  when  you  might 
be  in  a  Private  Rig  with  the  Patricians?  " 

For,  wot  ye,  Gentle  Reader,  all  this  un 
wound  from  the  Reel  before  the  first  Trolley 
Car  climbed  a  Hill  or  the  first  Horseless 
Carriage  came  chugging  sternly  up  the 
Boulevard. 

So  Ambition  received  special  Instruc 
tions  to  make  Our  Hero  worth  $100,000. 

Those  were  the  days  of  tall  Hustling: 
If  he  saw  an  Opening  six  inches  wide,  he 
held  it  with  his  Foot  until  he  could  insert 
his  Elbow,  and  then  he  braced  his  Shoulder, 
and  the  first  thing  you  knew  he  was  on  the 
Inside  demanding  a  fair  cut  of  the  Swag. 

[9] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  Golden  Rule  received  many  a  Jolt, 
but  he  adhered  strictly  to  the  old  and  fa 
vorite  Admonition:  If  you  want  Yours, 
take  a  short  piece  of  Lead  Pipe  and  go  out 
and  Collect. 

On  a  certain  January  First  he  made  a 
careful  Invoice.  All  the  Hard-Earned  Kale 
dropped  into  the  Mining  Companies  or 
loaned  to  Relatives  of  Wife  he  marked  off 
and  put  under  the  Head  of  Gone  but  not 
Forgotten.  He  was  a  True  Business  Guy. 
Even  after  subtracting  all  Cats  and  Dogs 
he  could  still  total  the  magnificent  Sum  of 
One  Hundred  Thousand  Dollars. 

When  he  looked  at  this  Mound  of  Cur 
rency,  he  felt  like  a  Vag  and  a  Pauper.  For 
he  had  climbed  to  the  table-lands  of  High 
Finance  and  taken  a  peek  at  the  Steam- 
Roller  methods  of  the  Real  Tabascos. 

"Make  it  a  Million,"  said  Ambition, 
leaning  across  the  Table  and  tapping  ner- 

[10] 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

vously.  "Are  you  going  to  be  satisfied 
with  a  Station  Wagon  and  a  Colored  Boy 
when  you  might  have  a  long-waisted  Vehicle 
with  two  pale  Simpsons  in  Livery  on  the 
Box?  When  you  go  into  your  Club  and 
see  the  Menials  kow-towing  to  a  cold-look 
ing  Party  with  rippling  Chins  who  seems 
to  favor  his  Feet,  you  know  that  he  gets 
the  Waving  Palms  and  the  Frankincense 
because  he  is  a  Millionaire.  You  and 
the  other  financial  Gnats  are  admitted 
simply  to  make  a  Stage  Setting  for  the  Big 
Squash." 

"I  always  said  that  when  I  got  a  Hundred 
Thousand  I'd  take  a  long  Vacation  in 
Europe  and  learn  how  to  order  a  Meal," 
suggested  Our  Hero,  holding  out  weakly. 

"When  you  came  back  you  would  find 
your  hated  Rival  on  the  Hill  with  the  Bat 
teries  turned  against  you.  Camp  on  the 
Job  and  work  straight  toward  the  High 
[11] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Mark.  And  remember  that  anybody  with 
less  than  a  Million  is  a  Two-Spot  in  a 
soiled  Deck." 

From  that  day  the  Piking  ceased.  No 
more  of  the  dinky  trafficking  of  the  Re 
tailer.  He  went  out  and  bought  Public 
Service  Utilities  on  Nerve,  treated  them  with 
Aqua  Pura  by  the  Hogshead,  and  created 
Wealth  by  purely  lithographic  Methods. 
And,  if  he  wanted  to  reason  out  a  Deal  with 
a  contrary-minded  Gazook,  he  began  the 
Negotiations  by  soaking  the  Adversary  be 
hind  the  Ear  and  frisking  him  before  he 
came  to. 

A  Fairy  Wand  had  been  waved  above 
the  snide  Bungalow,  and  it  was  now  a 
Queen  Anne  Chateau  dripping  with  Dew- 
dads  of  Scroll  Work  and  congested  with 
Black  Walnut.  The  Goddess  took  her 
Mocha  in  the  Feathers,  and  a  Music 
Teacher  came  twice  each  week  to  bridge 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

the  awful  chasm  between  Dorothy  and 
Chopin.  Dinner  had  been  moved  up  to 
Milking  Time.  Sweetbreads  and  Arti 
chokes  came  into  the  Lives  of  the  Trio  thus 
favored  by  Fortune. 

One  day  the  busy  Thimble-Rigger  took 
his  Helpmate  into  the  lonesome  Library 
and  broke  the  glad  Tidings  to  her. 

"I  have  unloaded  all  of  my  Cripples," 
he  said.  "They  have  been  wished  on  to  a 
Group  of  Philanthropists  in  New  England. 
Sound  the  glad  Tocsin.  I  have  a  Million 
in  my  Kick." 

So  she  began  packing  the  huge  Saratogas 
and  reading  the  Folders  on  Egypt  and  the 
Riviera.  He  sat  in  his  Den  pulling  at  a 
long  black  Excepcionale.  Through  the 
bluish  clouds  of  Smoke  came  that  old 
familiar  Voice. 

"Let  the  Missus  and  the  Heiress  do  the 
European  Thing,"  said  Ambition.  "You 
[13] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

stick  around.  Wait  for  Black  Friday. 
Then  get  busy  at  the  Bargain  Counter.  By 
and  by  the  new  Crop  will  begin  to  move, 
and  Money  will  creep  out  of  the  Yarn 
Stockings  and  a  few  Wise  Gazabes  will  cop 
all  the  Plush.  In  every  Palm  Room  there 
are  more  Millionaires  than  Palms.  But 
the  Big  Round  Table  over  by  the  Fountain 
is  always  reserved  by  Oscar  for  the  Lad 
who  can  show  Ten  Millions." 

The  Ocean  Greyhound  moved  out  past 
Sandy  Hook  with  the  Family  and  all  the 
Maids  on  board,  but  Papa  remained  behind 
to  sharpen  his  Tools  and  get  ready  for  an 
other  Killing. 

Every  time  he  was  given  a  Crimp  in  the 
Rue  de  la  Paix  he  caught  even  by  leading 
a  new  Angora  up  the  Chute  and  into  the 
Shambles. 

When  the  fully  matured  Goddess  and  the 
radiant  Heroine  of  the  latest  International 

[14] 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 
Alliance  came  home  with  the  French  Lan 
guage  and  two  tons  of  Glad  Raiment,  they 
found  themselves  reuning  with  the  Magnate 
at  the  big  Table  over  by  the  Fountain. 

Our  Hero  was  now  sleeping  in  a  Bed  al 
most  twelve  feet  wide,  with  a  silk  Tent 
over  it.  One  Morning  he  found  the  Com 
panion  of  many  Years  sitting  on  the  edge 
of  the  Mattress. 

"Again?"   asked  the   Multi-Millionaire. 

"What  next?" 

"The  Exercises  up  to  this  Time  have  been 
Preliminary,"  said  Ambition.  "What  is 
the  good  of  a  Bank  Roll  if  you  cannot  gar 
nish  it  with  the  delectable  Parsley  of  So 
cial  Eminence?  Get  a  Wiggle  on  you. 
Send  for  the  Boys  with  the  Frock  Coats 
and  the  Soft  Hats  and  let  them  dig  in  to 
their  Elbows.  Tell  the  Press  Agent  to  or 
ganize  a  typewriting  Phalanx.  Assume  a 
few  Mortgages  on  fluttering  Newspapers. 

[15] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Lay  a  Corner-Stone  ever  and  anon.     Be 
Interviewed." 

"What  are  you  leading  up  to?"  asked  the 
Financial  Giant,  a  sickly  Fear  creeping  into 
the  Region  formerly  occupied  by  his  Heart. 

"The  Logical  Finish,"  replied  Ambition, 
with  a  reassuring  Pat  on  the  Shoulder. 
"You  must  go  to  the  Senate.  The  White 
Palace,  suitable  for  entertaining  purposes, 
now  awaits  you  in  Washington.  The  Bulb 
Lights  glow  dimly  above  the  Porte  Cochere. 
A  red  Carpet  invites  you  to  climb  the  Mar 
ble  Stairway  and  spread  yourself  all  over 
the  Throne.  On  a  Receiving  Night,  when 
the  perfumed  Aliens  in  their  Masquerade 
Suits  rally  around  the  Punch  Bowl,  your 
Place  will  resemble  the  Last  Act  of  some 
thing  by  Klaw  &  Erlanger.  You  will  play 
Stud  with  the  Makers  of  History  and  be 
seen  leaving  the  Executive  Mansion." 

This  Line  of  Talk  landed  him.     He  Fell 

[16] 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

for  it.  That  year  the  Christmas  Tree 
drooped  with  valuable  Gifts  for  the  Boys 
who  stood  after  they  were  hitched. 

He  went  up  to  Washington  with  an  evis 
cerated  Check-Book  in  his  Pocket  and  a 
faint  Odor  of  Scandal  in  his  Wake,  but  he 
was  a  certified  Servant  of  the  People.  His 
Cut  Flowers  were  the  Talk  in  Official  Cir 
cles.  The  most  Exclusive  consented  to 
flirt  with  his  Wine  Cellar. 

To  a  mere  Outsider  it  looked  as  if  Am 
bition  had  certainly  boosted  his  Nobs  to 
the  final  Himalayan  Peak  of  Human  Hap 
piness.  He  had  a  House  as  big  as  a  Hos 
pital.  The  Hallways  were  cluttered  with 
whispering  Servants  of  the  most  immacu 
late  and  grovelling  Description.  His  Wife 
and  the  Daughter  and  the  Cigarette-Holder 
she  had  picked  up  in  Europe  figured  in  the 
Gay  Life  of  the  Nation's  Capital  every 
Night  and  went  to  see  a  Nerve  Specialist 
[17] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

every  Day.  The  whole  Bunch  rode  gaily 
on  the  Top  Wave  of  the  Social  Swim,  with 
a  Terrapin  as  an  Escort  and  a  squad  of 
Canvas-Back  Ducks  as  Body-Guard. 

Notwithstanding  all  which,  Father  was 
the  sorest  Hard-Shell  that  motored  along 
Pennsylvania  Avenue. 

The  Dime  Denouncers  printed  his  Picture, 
saying  that  he  was  owned  by  the  Interests 
and  hated  the  sight  of  a  Poor  Working  Girl. 
When  the  High  Class  continuous  Show  in 
the  Senate  Chamber  showed  signs  of  flop 
ping  and  the  Press  Gallery  became  impatient, 
some  Alkali  Statesman  of  the  New  School 
would  arise  in  his  Place  and  give  our  Hero 
a  Turning-Over,  concluding  with  a  faithful 
Pen-Picture  of  the  Dishonored  Grave  marked 
by  a  single  Headstone,  chiseled  as  follows: 
"Here  lies  a  Burglar." 

When  he  went  traveling,  he  had  his  Food 
smuggled  into  the  Drawing-Room.  He 

[18] 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

knew  if  he  went  drilling  through  the  Pull 
mans,  some  of  the  Passengers  who  had  seen 
the  Cartoons  might  recognize  him  as  the 
notorious  Malefactor. 

One  day,  while  he  was  cowering  in  a  dark 
corner  of  his  Club  to  get  away  from  the 
pesky  Reporters,  he  was  joined  by  the 
Trouble-Maker. 

"I  gave  you  the  wrong  Steer,"  said  Am 
bition,  now  much  subdued.  "You  are  in 
Dutch.  Beat  it!  All  the  Rough-Necks 
down  by  the  Round-House  and  the  fretful 
Simps  along  every  R.  F.  D.  Route  are  get 
ting  ready  to  interfere  in  the  Affairs  of 
Government.  The  Storm  Clouds  of  An 
archy  are  lowering.  In  other  words,  the 
new  Primary  Law  has  begun  to  do  business. 
Every  downtrodden  Mokus  owing  $800  on 
a  $500  House  is  honing  for  a  Chance  to 
Hand  it  to  somebody  wearing  a  Seal-Skin 
Overcoat.  From  now  on,  seek  Content- 

[19] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ment,  Rural  Quietude,  and  a  cinch  Rate  of 
5  Per  Cent,  on  all  your  Holdings." 

So  Ambition,  after  leading  him  hither 
and  yon,  finally  conducted  him  to  the  swell 
Country  House  surrounded  by  Oaks  and 
winding  Drives  and  Sunken  Gardens. 

Far  from  the  Hurly-Burly  he  settled 
down  among  his  Boston  Terriers  and  Or 
chids  and  Talking-Machines  and  allowed 
Old  Age  to  ripen  and  mellow  him  into  a 
Patriarch  of  the  benevolent  Pattern. 

At  the  suggestion  of  an  expensive  Spe 
cialist,  he  went  in  for  Golf. 

After  he  had  learned  to  Follow  Through 
and  keep  within  100  yards  of  the  Fair 
Green,  he  happened  to  get  mixed  up  in  a 
Twosome  one  day  with  a  walking  Rameses 
who  had  graduated  from  the  Stock  Ex 
change  soon  after  the  Crime  of  '73.  This 
doddering  Shell  of  Humanity  looked  as  if 
a  High  Wind  would  blow  him  into  the 

[20] 


FABLE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  AGITATOR 

Crick.  When  he  swung  at  the  Pill,  you 
expected  to  hear  something  Snap. 

Our  Hero  had  about  10  Years  on  the 
Ancient,  and  it  looked  like  a  Compote. 
But  the  Antique  managed  to  totter  around 
the  Course,  playing  short  but  safe,  always 
getting  Direction  and  keeping  away  from 
the  Profanity  Pits. 

He  never  caught  up  with  Colonel  Bogey, 
but  he  had  enough  Class  to  trim  our  Hero 
and  collect  6  Balls. 

Ambition  rode  home  with  the  unhappy 
Loser  in  the  $12,000  Limousine. 

"Buck  up,  Old  Top,"  said  the  faithful 
Prompter.  "Fasten  your  Eye  on  the  Ball 
and  don't  try  to  Force.  He  is  sure  to  blow 
up  sooner  or  later.  Take  another  Lesson 
to-morrow  morning  and  then  publish  your 
Defi  in  the  afternoon." 

He  never  had  been  strong  enough  to 
stand  off  Ambition.  So  next  Day  he  took 


ADE'S  FABLES 

on  Old  Sure-Thing  again  and  got  it  in  the 
same  Place. 

No  wonder.  The  Octogenarian  was  of 
Scotch  Descent.  He  was  the  Color  of  an 
Army  Saddle.  He  never  smiled  except 
when  the  Kilties  came  on  tour.  His 
Nippie  consisted  of  a  tall  Glass  about  half 
full  and  then  a  little  Well  Water. 

A  plain  American  Business  Man  with  a 
York  State  Ancestry  had  a  fat  Chance 
against  this  Caledonian  frame-up. 

But  that  same  persistent  Ambition  kept 
sending  him  back  to  the  Ring  to  take  an 
other  Trouncing. 

One  day  he  failed  to  show  up  at  the 
Club  House.  The  Trained  Nurse,  who 
fanned  him  during  the  final  Hours,  never 
suspected.  But  the  Caddy-Master  knew 
that  he  had  died  of  a  Broken  Heart. 

MORAL:  Those  who  travel  the  hard 
est  are  not  always  the  first  to  arrive. 

[22] 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  SPEEDY 
SPRITE 

ONE  Monday  Morning  a  rangy  and  well- 
conditioned  Elfin  of  the  Young  Unmarried 
Set,  yclept  Loretta,  emerged  into  the  Sun 
light  and  hit  the  Concrete  Path  with  a 
ringing  Heel. 

This  uncrowned  Empress  of  the  18th 
Ward  was  a  she-Progressive  assaying  98 
per  cent,  pure  Ginger. 

Instead  of  trailing  the  ever  onward  Pa 
rade,  she  juggled  the  Baton  at  the  head  of 
the  Push. 

In  the  crisp  introductory  hours  of  the 
Wash-Day  already  woven  into  the  Plot, 
Loretta  trolleyed  herself  down  into  the 
Noise  Belt. 

[23] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

She  went  to  the  office  of  the  exclusive 
Kennel  Club  and  entered  the  Chow  Ki-Yi 
for  the  next  Bench  Show.  At  the  Clearing 
House  for  K.  M's  she  filed  a  loud  call  for  a 
Cook  who  could  cook.  Then  she  cashed  a 
check,  ordered  a  pound  of  Salted  Nuts 
(to  be  delivered  by  Special  Wagon  at  once), 
enveloped  a  ball  of  Ice  Cream  gooed  with 
Chocolate,  and  soon,  greatly  refreshed, 
swept  down  on  a  Department  Store. 

A  Chenille  Massacre  was  in  full  swing  on 
the  3d  floor,  just  between  the  Porch  Fur 
niture  and  Special  Clothing  for  Airmen. 
Loretta  took  a  run  and  jump  into  the  heav 
ing  mass  of  the  gentler  Division.  She 
came  out  at  10.53  with  her  Sky  Piece  badly 
listed  to  Port  and  her  toes  flattened  out, 
but  she  was  17  cents  to  the  Good.  Three 
hearty  Cheers! 

So  she  went  over  to  an  exhibition  of 
Paintings,  breathing  through  her  Nose  for 

[24] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

at  least  an  Hour  as  she  studied  the  new 
Masterpieces  of  the  Swedo-Scandinavian 
School.  Each  looked  as  if  executed  with  a 
Squirt  Gun  by  a  Nervous  Geek  on  his 
way  to  a  Three  Days  Cure.  Just  the  same, 
every  Visitor  with  a  clinging  Skirt  and  a 
Mushroom  Hat  gurgled  like  a  Mountain 
Stream. 

In  company  with  four  other  Seraphines, 
plucked  from  the  Society  Col.,  she  toyed 
with  a  Fruit  Salad  and  Cocoa  at  a  Tea 
Room  instituted  by  a  Lady  in  Reduced 
Circumstances  for  the  accommodation  of 
those  who  are  never  overtaken  by  Hunger. 

The  usual  Battle  as  to  which  should  pick 
up  the  Check  and  the  same  old  Compro 
mise.  A  Dutch  Treat  with  Waitress  trying 
to  spread  it  four  ways  and  the  Auditing 
Committee  watching  her  like  a  Hawk. 
Then  a  10-cent  Tip,  bestowed  as  if  endow 
ing  Princeton,  and  the  Quartet  representing 

[25] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  Flower  of  America's  Young  Womanhood 
was  once  more  out  in  the  Ozone,  marching 
abreast  with  shining  Faces  and  pushing 
white-haired  Business  Men  off  into  the 
Sweepings. 

Loretta  went  to  a  place  with  a  glass 
Cover  on  it  and  had  herself  photoed  in 
many  a  striking  Posture.  With  the  Chin 
tilted  to  show  the  full  crop  of  Cervical 
Vertebrae  and  her  Search  Lights  aimed 
yearningly  at  the  top  of  the  Singer  Build 
ing,  she  had  herself  kidded  into  believing 
that  she  was  a  certified  Replica  of  Elsie 
Ferguson. 

As  a  member  of  the  Board  of  Visitation 
she  hurried  out  to  the  Colored  Orphan 
Asylum  to  check  up  the  Picks  and  watch 
them  making  Card-Board  Mottoes. 

After  that  she  had  nothing  to  do  except 
fly  home  and  complete  a  Paper  on  the  So 
cial  Unrest  in  Spain,  after  which  she  backed 

[26] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

into  the  Spangles,  because  Father  was  bring 
ing  an  old  Stable  Companion  to  dinner. 

In  the  evening  she  took  Mother  to  a  Travel 
Lecture.  The  colored  Slides  were  mingled 
with  St.  Vitus  Glimpses  of  swarming  Streets 
and  galloping  Gee-Gees.  They  came  home 
google-eyed  and  had  to  feel  their  way  into 
the  Domicile. 

Tuesday  A.  M.  dawned  overcast  with 
shifting  wdnds  from  the  N.  E. 

Loretta  pried  herself  away  from  the  third 
Waffle  in  order  to  hike  to  the  corner  and 
jack  up  Mr.  Grocer  about  the  Kindling  Wood 
that  he  had  sent  them  for  Celery. 

She  had  the  Druggist  'phone  the  Florist, 
and  then  rewarded  him  by  purchasing  three 
Stamps. 

At  9.30  the  Committee  to  arrange  for 
the  Summer  Camp  of  the  In-Wrong  Mar 
ried  WTomen  whirled  through  the  untidy 
Suburbs  in  a  next  year's  Motor  Car,  and 

[27] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Loretta  was  nowhere  except  right  up  on 
the  front  Seat  picking  out  the  Road. 

Once  a  year  the  Ladies  of  the  Lumty-Tum 
went  out  with  their  embroidered  Sand-Bags 
and  swung  on  their  Gentlemen  Friends 
for  enough  Dough  to  pay  the  Vacation  Ex 
penses  of  Neglected  Wives  and  Kiddies. 

In  every  community  there  is  an  undis 
covered  Triton  thoroughly  posted  on  the 
Renaissance  of  the  Reactionaries  and  the 
recrudescence  of  the  Big  Six  Baby  with  the 
up-twist  that  has  Whiskers  on  it.  This 
Boy  is  so  busy  regulating  both  Parties  and 
both  Leagues  that  when  it  comes  time  for 
his  Brood  to  take  an  Outing,  some  ignorant 
Outsider  has  to  step  in  and  unbelt. 

After  letting  contracts  for  Milk  and  Veg 
etables,  Loretta  and  the  other  specimens 
of  our  Best  People  zipped  over  to  the  Coun 
try  Club,  breaking  into  silvery  Laughter 
every  time  the  Speedometer  made  a  Face 

[28] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

at    the    Sign-Board    which    said    that    the 
Speed  Limit  was  12  Miles  an  Hour. 

They  showed  a  few  milk-fed  Springers 
how  to  take  a  Joke,  and  then  played  an  18- 
hole  Foursome  which  was  more  or  less  of  a 
Grewsome. 

Then  a  little  Tea  on  the  Terrace  with 
Herbert  lolling  by  in  his  Flannels,  just  as 
you  read  about  it  in  Mrs.  Humphry  Ward. 
A  buzzing  sound  dying  off  into  the  distance, 
a  trail  of  Blue  Smoke  in  the  fading  Twi 
light,  and  little  Bright  Eyes  is  back  in  her 
own  Boudoir  packing  herself  into  a  new 
set  of  Glads. 

That  evening  she  had  four  throbbing  Ros- 
coes  curled  up  among  her  Sofa  Pillows. 

She  had  to  bat  up  short  and  easy  ones 
for  this  Bunch,  as  they  came  from  the 
Wholesale  District. 

When  they  began  to  distribute  political 
Bromides,   the  artful  Minx  sat  clear  out 
[29] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

on  the  edge  of  the  Chair  and  let  on  to  be 
simply  pop-eyed  with  Ardor. 

Shortly  after  12  she  turned  the  last  night- 
blooming  Cyril  out  into  the  Darkness  and 
did  a  graceful  Pirouet  to  the  Husks. 

On  Wednesday  morning,  between  the 
Ham  and  Eggs,  she  glanced  at  her  double- 
entry  Date  Book  and  began  to  gyrate. 

On  the  way  down-town  she  stopped  in 
and  had  herself  measured  for  a  new  mop 
of  Hair. 

Thence  to  the  Beauty  Works  to  have  the 
peerless  Frontispiece  ironed  out  and  the 
Nails  ivoried. 

When  she  appeared  at  the  Sorority 
Tiffin  at  1  P.  M.  she  was  dolled  for  fair. 

The  Response  in  behalf  of  the  Alumnae 
of  Yamma  Gamma  was  a  neat  Affair. 

After  swiping  the  Table  Decorations, 
she  and  two  Companions  hurried  to  a  Mat. 
It  was  a  Performance  given  under  the  aus- 

[30] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

pices  of  the  Overhanging  Domes,  and  the 
Drama  was  one  that  no  Commercial  Man 
ager  had  the  Nerve  to  unload  on  the  Public. 
The  Plot  consisted  of  two  victims  of  Neu 
rasthenia  sitting  at  a  Table  and  discussing 
Impaired  Circulation. 

That  evening  she  helped  administer  the 
Anesthetic  to  a  Seminary  Snipe  who  was 
getting  into  the  Life  Boat  with  a  hard- wood 
Bachelor  grabbed  off  at  the  llth  Hour. 

Loretta  wept  softly  while  straightening 
out  the  Veil,  in  accordance  with  Tradition. 
Later  on  she  did  an  Eddie  Collins  and 
landed  the  Bride's  Bouquet.  At  11.30 
she  had  the  Best  Man  backed  into  a  Cor 
ner,  slipping  him  that  Old  One  about  his 
Hair  matching  his  Eyes. 

It  is  now  Thursday  morning  and  who  is 
this  in  the  Gym  whanging  the  Medicine 
Ball  at  the  Lady  Instructor  with  the  Face? 

It  is  Loretta. 

[31] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Behold  her  at  10.30,  after  an  icy  Splash 
and  a  keen  rub  with  a  raspy  Towel. 

She  has  climbed  back  into  the  dark- 
cloth  Effect  and  is  headed  for  the  Studio  of 
Madam  to  grapple  with  the  French  Lesson. 

After  that  she  will  do  nothing  before 
Lunch  Time  except  try  on  White  Shoes  and 
fondle  some  Hats  that  are  being  sacrificed 
at  $80  per  throw. 

The  Suffrage  Sisters  rounded  up  Thurs 
day  afternoon.  A  longitudinal  Brigadier- 
ess  in  the  army  of  Intellectuality  did  the 
main  Spiel,  with  Loretta  as  principal  Rooter. 

The  Speaker  was  there  with  the  Pep  and 
with  the  Vocabulary.  Otherwise  she  was 
a  Naughty-Naughty.  The  costume  was  a 
plain  Burial  Shroud,  the  only  Ornament 
being  a  4 -car at  Wen  just  above  the  Neck 
band. 

At  4  P.  M.,  after  the  Male  Sex  had  been 
ground  to  a  Hamburger,  our  little  Playmate 

[32] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

escaped  to  a  Picture  Show,  but  not  until 
she  had  duly  fortified  herself  with  the  nour 
ishing  Marshmallow. 

There  was  nothing  on  the  Cards  that 
night  except  a  Subscription  Dance,  which 
got  under  way  at  10  P.  M.  and  never  sub 
sided  until  the  cold  Daylight  began  to 
spill  in  at  the  Windows. 

Loretta  did  27  out  of  a  possible  29.  Per 
centage  .931  —  six  better  than  Bogey  and 
400  points  ahead  of  Ty  Cobb. 

Nevertheless  and  notwithstanding,  don't 
imagine  that  she  failed  to  come  up  for  Air 
on  Friday  Morning. 

Life  is  real,  Life  is  earnest,  and  she  had 
a  Gown  to  be  shortened  up  and  re-sur 
veyed  around  the  Horse  Shoe  Curve,  just 
as  soon  as  she  could  leave  the  Gloves  to 
be  cleaned. 

Happening  into  Automobile  Row,  she 
permitted  a  blond  salesman  with  a  Norfolk 

[33] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Jacket  to  demonstrate  the  new  type  of 
Electric  Runabout. 

One  of  the  most  inexpensive  pursuits  of 
the  well-dressed  Minority  is  to  glide  over 
the  Asphalt  in  a  Demonstration  car  and 
pretend  to  be  undecided. 

She  permitted  the  man  to  set  her  down 
at  a  Book  Shop,  where  she  furtively  skinned 
eight  Magazines  while  waiting  for  a  Chum 
to  pop  through  the  Whirligig  Door. 

The  two  went  Window-Hopping  for  an 
hour.  After  making  Mind  Purchases  of 
about  $8000  worth  of  washable  Finery 
edged  with  Lace,  a  spirit  of  Deviltry  seized 
them. 

They  ordered  their  Lettuce  Sandwiches 
and  diluted  Ceylon  in  a  Restaurant  where 
roguish  Men-about-Town  sat  facing  the 
Main  Entrance  to  pipe  the  pulchritudinous 
Pippins. 

Was  it  seven  or  eight  Party  Calls  that 

[34] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

she  checked  from  her  social  Ledger  before 
4  o'clock?  Answer:  eight. 

Then  a  swinging  Gallop  for  home.  Whilst 
she  had  been  socializing  around,  Robert 
W.  Chambers  had  taken  a  lead  of  two 
Novels  on  her. 

Retiring  to  a  quiet  Alcove  with  four 
Volumes  that  were  being  dissected  at  the 
drawing-room  Clinics,  she  took  a  hack  at 
the  first  and  last  Chapter  of  each.  Just 
enough  to  protect  her  against  a  Fumble  if 
she  found  herself  next  to  a  Book  Sharp. 

That  evening  a  famous  Hungarian  Fid 
dler,  accompanied  by  a  warbling  Guinea  Hen 
and  backed  up  by  sixty  Symphonic  Heineys 
wearing  Spectacles,  was  giving  a  Recital 
for  the  True  Lovers  in  a  Mammoth  Cave 
devoted  to  Art. 

Loretta  had  a  sneaking  preference  for 
the  May  Irwin  School  of  Expression,  but 
she  had  to  go  through  with  the  Saint-Saens 

[35] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Stuff  now  and  then  to  maintain  a  Club 
Standing. 

Accordingly  she  and  Mother  and  poor 
old  dying  Father,  with  no  Heart  in  the  En 
terprise,  were  planted  well  down  in  Section 
B,  where  they  could  watch  Mrs.  Leroy 
Geblotz,  who  once  entertained  Nordica, 
and  say  "Bravo"  at  the  Psychological 
Moment. 

On  Saturday  Morning,  after  she  had 
penned  14  Epistles,  using  the  tall  cuneiform 
Hieroglyphics,  she  didn't  have  a  blessed 
thing  to  do  before  her  1  o'clock  Engagement 
except  drop  in  at  a  Flower  Show  and  a  Cat 
Show  and  have  her  Palm  read  by  a  perfectly 
fascinating  Serpent  with  a  Goatee  who  had 
been  telling  all  the  Gells  the  most  wonder 
ful  things  about  themselves. 

A  merry  little  Group  went  slumming 
Saturday  afternoon.  They  attended  a  Ball 
Game.  Loretta  had  her  Chin  over  the  Rail- 

[36] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

ing  and  evinced  a  keen  Interest,  her  only 
Difficulty  being  that  she  never  knew  which 
Side  was  at  bat. 

At  dusk  she  began  hanging  on  the  Family 
Jewels.  It  was  a  formal  Dinner  Party  with 
a  list  made  up  by  Dun  and  Bradstreet. 

Loretta  found  herself  between  an  extinct 
Volcano  of  Political  World  and  a  sappy 
Fledgling  whose  Grandfather  laid  the  cor 
nerstone  of  Brooklyn. 

The  Dinner  was  one  of  those  corpseless 
Funerals,  stage-managed  by  a  respectable 
Lady  with  a  granite  Front  who  had 
Mayflower  Corpuscles  moving  majestically 
through  her  Arterial  System. 

Loretta  was  marooned  so  far  from  the 
Live  .Ones  that  she  couldn't  wig-wag  for 
Help.  Her  C.  Q.  D.  brought  no  Relief. 

She  threw  about  three  throes  of  Anguish 
before  they  escaped  to  the  private  Gambling 
Hell. 

[37] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Here  she  tucked  back  her  Valenciennes 
and  proceeded  to  cop  a  little  Pin-Money 
at  the  soul-destroying  game  known  as 
Bridge. 

At  11.30  she  led  a  highly  connected  vol 
unteer  Wine  Pusher  out  into  the  Conser 
vatory  and  told  him  she  did  not  think  it 
advisable  to  marry  him  until  she  had  learned 
his  First  Name. 

Shortly  after  Midnight  she  blew,  arriving 
at  headquarters  just  in  time  to  participate 
in  a  Chafing-Dish  Jubilee  promoted  by 
only  Brother,  just  back  from  the  Varsity. 

She  approached  the  Porcelain  in  a  chast 
ened  mood  that  Sabbath  morning.  She 
was  thinking  of  the  Night  Before  and  of 
playing  cards  for  Money. 

She  remembered  the  glare  of  Light  from 
overhead  and  the  tense,  eager  Faces  peering 
above  the  Paste-Boards. 

Then  she  recalled,  with  a  sharp  catch  of  the 
[38] 


THE  SPEEDY  SPRITE 

Breath  and  a  little  tug  of  Pain  at  the  Heart, 
that  she  had  balled  herself  up  at  the  one  Stage 
and  got  dummied  out  of  a  Grand  Slam. 

"It  would  have  meant  a  long  pair  of 
the  Silk  Kind,"  thought  she,  as  she  sighed 
deeply  and  turned  the  cold  Faucet. 

After  Breakfast  she  took  a  long  Walk 
up  the  Avenue  as  a  Bracer. 

After  which  to  the  Kirk,  for  she  taught 
a  class  of  Little  Girls  in  the  Sunday  School, 
and  she  had  to  fake  up  an  Explanation 
of  how  Joshua  made  the  Sun  stand  still, 
thereby  putting  herself  in  the  Scratch 
Division  of  Explainers,  believe  us. 

She  listened  to  a  dainty  Boston  Sermon, 
trimmed  with  Ruching,  singing  lustily  be 
fore  and  after. 

Then  back  home  with  the  solemn  Parade 
to  sit  among  the  condemned  waiting  for 
that  superlative  Gorge  known  as  the  Sun 
day  Dinner. 

[39] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

While  she  was  waiting,  a  male  Friend 
dropped  in.  His  costume  was  a  compro 
mise  between  an  English  Actor  and  a  hired 
Mourner. 

On  Week  Days  he  sat  at  a  Desk  dictating 
Letters  and  saying  that  the  Matter  had 
been  referred  to  the  proper  Department. 

He  looked  at  Loretta,  so  calm  and  cool 
and  collected  in  her  pious  Raiment,  and  the 
Smile  that  he  summoned  was  benevolent 
and  almost  patronizing. 

"I  was  wondering,"  said  he.  "I  was 
wondering  if  a  Girl  like  you  ever  gets  tired 
of  sitting  around  and  doing  nothing." 

Loretta  did  not  cackle.  She  had  read 
in  a  Book  by  a  Yale  Professor  that  Woman 
is  not  supposed  to  possess  the  Sense  of 
Humor. 

MORAL:  The  Settlement  Campaign  is 
not  getting  to  the  real  Workers. 


[40] 


Every  time  he  sauntered  carelessly  across  the 
porch,  he  gave  a  correct  Imitation  of  a  troop  of 
Cavalry  going  over  a  Wooden  Bridge 


THE  NEW   FABLE   OF   THE  INTER 
MITTENT  FUSSER 

ONCE  a  grammar-school  Rabbit,  strug 
gling  from  long  Trousers  toward  his  first 
brier-wood  Pipe,  had  Growing  Pains  which 
he  diagnosed  as  the  pangs  of  True  Love. 

The  Target  was  a  dry-seasoned  Fannie 
old  enough  to  be  his  Godmother. 

She  was  a  Post-Graduate  who  was  keep 
ing  herself  on  Earth  by  running  to  the 
Drug-Store  every  few  minutes. 

The  Eye-Brows  were  neatly  blocked  out 
by  some  Process  unknown  to  the  writer,  and 
she  had  a  Shape  that  could  be  revised  ad  lib. 

An  Expert  would  have  Made  her  at  a 
glance,  but  the  Cub  fell  for  the  Scenery  and 
Mechanical  Effects. 

[43] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  had  sketched  a  little  synopsis  of  the 
Future.  After  waiting  8  years,  until  she 
had  unpetaled  into  the  perfect  bloom  of 
Womanhood  and  he  was  wearing  a  Full 
Beard,  he  would  take  her  by  the  Long 
Glove  and  lead  her  off  into  Dreamland. 

Just  to  show  how  one  of  those  pinfeather 
Passions  may  be  shunted  onto  a  Siding  and 
left  among  the  Dog-Fennel,  when  the  Sub 
ject  of  this  Sketch  was  cetat  %%,  he  was 
picking  them  out  of  the  Air  in  the  Left 
Garden  at  the  State  University.  Fannie 
(she  of  the  purchased  Pallor)  was  thor 
oughly  married  to  a  Veterinary  with  the 
Drug  Habit. 

Soon  after  recovering  from  the  Pip, 
known  in  Medical  Parlance  as  the  Spooney 
Infantuin,  he  began  to  glory  in  the  friend 
ship  of  an  incipient  Amazon  who  wore  a 
Blazer  and  walked  like  a  Policeman. 

She  did  not  hamper  her  fibrous  Physique 

[44] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

with  any  excess  Harness  that  might  pinch 
when  she  essayed  a  full  St.  Andrew's  Swipe 
with  a  wooden  Club.  And  she  had  one 
lower  octave  of  Pipes,  like  a  Brakeman  on 
the  Erie. 

There  comes  a  brief  Period  in  the  Veal 
Epoch  of  every  Sentimental  Tommy  when 
the  only  real  Cutie  is  one  who  can  propel 
a  Canoe  and  throw  Overhand. 

So  Walter,  such  being  the  baptismal 
Handicap,  often  thought  it  would  be  Sweet 
Billiards  to  keep  house  with  the  she-Acro 
bat  for  30  or  40  years,  because  when  they 
were  tired  of  sitting  in  the  House  they  could 
go  into  the  Front  Yard  and  play  Ketch. 

He  was  just  at  the  rickety  Age  when  the 
Gams  refuse  to  coordinate.  Every  time 
he  sauntered  carelessly  across  the  porch 
at  a  Summer  Hotel,  he  gave  a  correct 
Imitation  of  a  troop  of  Cavalry  going  over 
a  Wooden  Bridge  at  full  Gallop. 

[45] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  had  a  way  of  backing  into  Potted 
Plants. 

Each  Morning  was  clouded  by  the  task 
of  picking  out  a  Cravat  that  would  be 
of  the  same  Radio- Activity  as  the  Socks. 
And  all  through  the  waking  hours  he 
carried  with  him  a  faint  and  sickly  Reali 
zation  that  his  Parents  did  not  understand 
him. 

One  day  he  stood  before  a  kind-faced 
Registrar  and  matriculated.  Branded  as 
a  regular  Freshman,  he  went  back  to  his 
little  Den  and  put  a  news-stand  Photo  of 
Lillian  Russell  between  two  Pennants. 

The  whalebone  Divinity  in  the  Home 
Town  passed  out  of  his  Life.  He  told  him 
self  that  he  would  be  true  to  Miss  Russell 
and  all  the  other  Members  of  her  sprightly 
Profession. 

The  emotional  side  of  his  unfolding  Na 
ture  began  to  nourish  itself  on  Song  Hits, 

[46] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

and  he  slept  each  night  with  his  Banjo 
folded  tightly  to  his  Bosom. 

He  became  acquainted  with  a  Sopho 
more  who  once  sat  near  Trixie  Friganza  in 
a  Parlor  Car.  One  night  Alice  Nielsen 
looked  directly  at  the  Box  in  which  he  was 
seated  with  the  other  Praters  of  the  Ippy 
Ki  Yi.  In  fact,  his  Life  became  crowded 
with  tingling  Experiences. 

The  collection  of  Cigarette  Pictures  made 
him  acquainted  with  many  Celebrities. 
His  intimacy  with  them  grew  apace  as  he 
developed  a  bookish  appetite  for  Sunday 
Newspapers. 

He  danced  with  the  local  Chickadees,  but 
all  the  time  his  Heart  was  far  away,  in  the 
Dramatic  Column. 

Suddenly  he  found  that  he  was  an  Upper 
Classman,  to  whom  each  Neophyte  touched 
the  Leaf  of  Lettuce  balanced  on  top  of  the 
Head,  ostensibly  as  a  Cap. 

[47] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  became  endowed  with  the  divine 
Right  to  hit  himself  on  the  Leg  with  a  Walk 
ing  Stick  and  sit  on  a  hallowed  Fence. 

Simultaneous-like,  he  became  conscious 
of  the  fact  that  the  Footlight  Favorites 
were  no  longer  worthy  of  him.  He  began 
to  hold  long  and  serious  Conversaziones 
with  the  Sister  of  a  Prof. 

She  was  an  aerial  Performer  who  wore 
powerful  Spectacles,  in  which  any  one 
standing  before  her  could  see  an  Image  of 
himself,  greatly  reduced. 

She  looked  as  if  she  had  been  sitting 
up  all  night,  writing  a  History  of  Civili 
zation. 

Walter  found  himself  uplifted  every  time 
they  were  left  together  in  the  Library. 
Sometimes  she  took  him  up  so  high  that 
he  became  dizzy. 

He  now  began  to  prog  as  follows:  He 
and  the  Lady  Emerson  would  be  legally 

[48] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

welded  just  after  Commencement  and 
spend  the  Honeymoon  at  some  lively  Chau- 
tauqua. 

The  grinding  Wheels  and  raucous  buying 
and  selling  of  the  Marts  of  Trade  seemed 
faint  and  far  away  when  he  roamed  through 
the  Cloisters  with  Elfreda.  He  was  in  the 
moulting  Stage,  and  it  seemed  to  him  that 
Success  in  Life  would  consist  of  going  about 
reeking  of  Culture. 

A  Degree  looked  bigger  than  a  Dividend. 

He  never  had  heard  tell  of  such  a  thing 
as  a  Coal-Bill  or  a  Special  Assessment  for 
a  Sewer. 

The  vision  of  Elfreda  floated  out  through 
a  Transom  three  days  after  he  drew  a  Desk 
in  the  extensive  Works  owned  by  the  Gov 
ernor. 

He  was  too  busy  keeping  his  Head  above 
the  Churning  Waves  to  bother  with  Spec 
ulative  Philosophy  or  write  Letters  stud- 

[49] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ded  with  Latin  Phrases,  like  Currants  in 
an  English  Cake. 

All  the  cringing  Peons  in  the  big  Stock 
ade  hated  him  because  he  had  a  Drag.  It 
was  up  to  him  to  deliver  the  Merchandise 
and  demonstrate  that  he  was  a  Human 
Being  rather  than  a  College  Graduate. 

In  the  meantime,  the  Spectators  were 
hoping  that  he  would  Skid  and  go  into  the 
Fence. 

He  began  to  wear  his  Prat  pin  on  his 
undershirt,  and  he  had  no  time  to  frivol 
away  on  the  fluffy  Gender,  because  he 
expected  to  be  sitting  in  the  Directors' 
Room  in  a  couple  of  years,  talking  it  over 
with  Henry  C.  Prick. 

So  he  waved  aside  the  Square  Envelopes 
and  allowed  himself  to  be  billed  all  over 
the  Macaroon  Circuit  as  a  Woman-Hater. 

Of  course  he  girled  in  a  conservative  way, 
but  he  merely  trailed.  He  did  not  buzz,  or 

[50] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

throw  himself  at  the  fallen  Handkerchief,, 
or  run  to  get  the  Wraps,  or  do  any  of  the 
Stuff  that  marks  the  true  and  bounden 
Captive. 

When  he  found  himself  in  the  cushioned 
Lair  of  a  Feline,  he  would  lean  back  in 
perfect  Security,  knowing  that  even  if  she 
exercised  her  entire  repertoire  of  Wiles, 
she  could  not  warm  the  Dead  Heart  nor 
stir  into  life  the  fallen  Rose  Leaves  of  Ro 
mance. 

All  the  time  she  was  spilling  her  familiar 
line  of  Chatter,  he  would  look  at  her  with  an 
arid  and  patronizing  Smile,  such  as  the 
Harvard  Man  produces  when  he  finds  him 
self  in  immediate  juxtaposition  to  some 
human  Caterpillar  from  west  of  Pittsburgh. 

Very  often,  when  the  registered  Dolly 
Grays  got  together  for  a  Bon-Bon  Orgy, 
some  one  would  say,  "Oh,  Crickey,  ain't 
he  the  regular  Cynic?" 

[51] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Another  might  suggest  that  he  was  hid 
ing  a  great  Sorrow,  his  whole  Existence 
having  been  embittered  by  the  faithlessness 
of  some  Creature. 

Then  they  would  take  a  Vote  and  decide 
that  he  was  a  plain  Mutt 

The  Chauncey  who  refuses  to  reciprocate 
will  excite  more  Conversation  than  a  reg 
ular  Union  Lover,  but  it  is  Lucky  for  him 
that  he  does  not  hear  all  the  Conversation. 

Walter  at  the  age  of  twenty -five  thought 
he  was  too  old  and  sedate  to  be  a  Diner- 
Out  and  a  Dancing  Devil. 

When  he  was  28,  however,  he  had  be 
come  Hep  to  the  large  and  luminous  Truth 
that  the  man  who  sits  in  his  Lodgings 
reading  Dumas  may  overlook  many  a  Bet. 

He  noted  on  every  Hand  the  nice-looking 
Boys  who  turned  in  about  10.40  and  avoided 
the  Pitfalls  of  Society,  and  most  of  them  were 
pulling  down  as  much  as  $14  a  week. 

[52] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

He  recalled  what  this  humble  Chronicler 
had  said  away  back  in  1899:  "Early  to 
Bed  and  Early  to  Rise  and  you  will  meet 
very  few  of  our  Best  People." 

He  looked  over  the  Lay-Out  and  decided 
that  it  was  just  as  easy  to  mingle  with  the 
Face  Cards  as  to  sleep  in  the  Discards. 

He  saw  many  a  Light  Weight  with  a  gilt 
sign  exposed  on  Main  Street  and  no  Assets 
except  a  Suit  with  a  Velvet  Collar,  a  pair 
of  indestructible  dancing  Legs,  and  just 
enough  intellectual  Acumen  to  stir  Tea  with 
out  spilling  it. 

So  he  decided  to  have  a  try  at  the  Gay 
Life  and  worm  his  way  into  the  Safety  De 
posit  Vaults  via  the  Parlor  Route. 

A  worthy  Resolve  and  one  often  taken. 

If  a  Friend  of  the  People  can  capitalize 
his  Vocal  Cords,  why  should  not  the  little 
Brother  of  the  Rich  put  his  undying  Nerve 
into  the  Market  and  get  what  he  can  on  it? 

[53] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  Captain  of  Finance  is  usually  owned, 
Body  and  Soul,  by  the  other  Half  of  the 
Sketch.  She  may  be  a  head  bell-ringer  in 
the  D.  A.  R.  or  the  blue-pencil  Queen  of 
the  Golden  Pheasants,  but  in  avast  majority 
of  cases  she  has  not  the  Looks  to  back  up 
the  Title. 

Even  the  Buckingham  Palace  manner 
and  the  Arctic  Front  cannot  buffalo  the 
idle  Spectator  into  overlooking  the  fact 
that  she  belongs  to  the  genus  Quince. 

She  may  not  be  a  Beaut,  but  it  is  She 
who  stands  at  the  main  entrance  to  the 
Big  Tent  and  tears  off  seat  coupons. 

Walter  knew  that  if  he  wished  to  be  men 
tioned  all  over  town  as  a  Sure-Enough,  his 
passport  to  the  Inner  Circle  of  Hot  Potatoes 
would  have  to  be  vised  by  Patroness  No.  1. 

He  began  to  work  in  the  Secret  Service 
of  the  Chosen  Few  and  was  First  Aid  to 
the  Chaperons. 

[54] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

A  Hard  Life,  say  you?  Not  a  tall  —  not 
a  tall. 

He  was  entirely  surrounded  by  Fairy 
Lamps  and  sweet-smelling  Flowers. 

Life  became  a  kaleidoscopic  Aurora  Bo- 
realis. 

When  the  first  Crash  of  Music  came 
through  the  hothouse  Palms,  Walter  would 
be  out  on  the  Waxen  Floor  with  his  hair 
in  a  Braid. 

Through  the  long  watches  of  the  night 
he  played  Blonde  against  Brunette  and 
then  went  home  with  his  Time-Card  bear 
ing  the  official  O.  K. 

He  swam  among  the  floating  Hooks  and 
side-stepped  the  Maternal  Traps,  until  the 
compilers  of  Marital  Statistics  had  his 
name  in  the  list  marked  "Nothing  Doing." 

The  Dope  on  him  seemed  to  be  that  he 
was  Immune  and  Jinx-Proof. 

After  he  led  one  of  them  back  to  a  Divan 

[551 


ADE'S  FABLES 

and  fed  her  an  Ice,  it  was  a  case  of  "Good 
Night,  Miss  Mitchell." 

Truly,  a  Bachelor  flown  with  Insolence 
and  Pride  is  the  favorite  Mark  for  the  Bow- 
and-Arrow  Kid. 

For  every  weather-beaten  Beau  and  Ball 
room  Veteran  there  is  waiting  somewhere 
in  Ambuscade  a  keen  little  Diana  with  the 
right  kind  of  Ammunition. 

One  night  he  went  to  a  Small  Dance  in 
his  regular  Henry  Miller  suit  and  wearing 
a  tired  look  around  the  Eyes.  He  counted 
these  minor  Functions  a  dreadful  Bore. 

Over  in  a  corner  sat  a  half -portion  Dam- 
osel  who  had  come  to  town  on  a  Visit.  Her 
name  was  Violet,  and  she  looked  the  Part. 

She  didn't  know  who  was  running  for 
President  or  what  Miss  Pankhurst  said 
about  Suffrage,  but  she  had  large  bella 
donna  Orbs,  with  Danger  lurking  in  their 
limpid  depths. 

[56] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

She  was  just  at  the  Age  when  any  girl 
who  is  not  actually  Deformed  looks  fair 
to  middling,  while  the  real  Dinger,  with  the 
Tresses  and  the  Complexion  and  the  gleam 
ing  white  Shoulders  and  the  Parisian  figure, 
is  right  there  with  a  full  equipment  for 
breaking  up  Families. 

Old  Dare-Devil  Dick,  the  Hero  of  1000 
Flirtations,  was  sitting  out  one  of  the  Dances 
recently  condemned  by  Press  and  Pulpit. 

He  became  aware  of  the  presence  of 
something  Feminine  at  his  immediate  right. 
He  took  a  cautious  Look  and  beheld  a 
timid  Debutante,  sparkling  with  the  Dew 
and  waiting  to  be  plucked. 

She  gave  him  a  frightened  Smile  and 
lamped  him  very  slowly. 

Suddenly  he  felt  himself  wafted  away 
on  a  cloud  of  Purple  Perfumery. 

She  had  put  the  Sign  on  him  without 
lifting  a  Finger. 

[57] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

As  she  circled  away,  clutched  by  a  rude 
Collegian,  he  lay  back  helpless,  tied  in  a 
True  Lovers'  Knot. 

Later  in  the  evening  he  met  her.  He  sat 
alongside  of  her  in  an  agony  of  confused 
Bliss,  with  a  Temperature  of  104  and  the 
Vocal  Chords  entirely  paralyzed.  And  yet, 
as  a  rule,  he  was  just  as  reliable  as  a  Phon 
ograph. 

All  the  way  home  that  night  he  was 
Bleeding  freely. 

At  8  the  next  Morning  he  began  sending 
Flowers. 

It  was  a  terrible  Case.  The  old  ones 
seem  to  suffer  more. 

He  followed  her  like  a  trained  Spaniel. 

When  she  seemed  cold  and  distant,  he 
would  hurry  to  his  Room  and  pull  a  private 
Brain-Storm.  For  many  Hours  thereafter 
the  Map  of  the  World  would  have  a  Black 
Border  around  it. 

[58] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 

Next  day  she  would  relent,  and  accept 
his  Jack  Roses,  and  he  would  run  around 
and  around  in  a  Circle,  gurgling  and  clap 
ping  his  Hands. 

He  was  on  the  waiting  list  for  the  Nut 
Club.  Our  Old  Friend  was  flooey  in  the 
Filbert.  The  Love  Bacilli  swarmed  in  every 
part  of  his  Being. 

When  she  found  that  she  had  him  sure 
enough  Lariated,  she  eased  up  on  her  part 
of  the  Work  and  began  a  public  demonstra 
tion  of  Woman's  Power  and  Dominion  over 
the  Brute  Creation.  He  was  meeker  than 
a  Federal  Office-Holder. 

Any  time  she  snapped  her  Fingers,  he 
sat  up  and  Begged. 

Then  she  used  to  carry  on  with  certain 
Men  against  whom  he  had  warned  her. 
It  amused  her  to  know  that  he  was  walking 
up  and  down  outside,  chewing  the  White 
Gloves. 

[59] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

His  friends  tried  to  save  him.  They 
demonstrated,  with  a  Pencil  and  a  Piece 
of  Paper,  that  she  was  just  an  ordinary, 
everyday  Baby  Doll  with  a  Second  Reader 
intelligence  and  the  Spiritual  Caliber  of 
a  Humming  Bird.  They  proved  that  ex 
actly  the  same  kind  were  scattered  through 
every  Department  Store,  working  for  $6  a 
week. 

When  they  got  through  knocking,  he 
hurried  over  and  told  her  everything  and 
promised  her  that  if  she  would  marry  him, 
not  one  of  these  Snakes  would  ever  be  per 
mitted  to  enter  the  House. 

He  writhed  on  the  Rug  and  said  that  if 
she  didn't  whisper  that  One  Little  Word, 
it  would  be  a  case  of  Satin  Lining  and  Silver 
Handles  for  little  Wallie. 

She  looked  out  the  Window  and  yawned 
slightly  and  then  said,  "Oh,  very  well." 

He  rode  home  standing  up  in  a  Taxicab, 

[60] 


THE  INTERMITTENT  FUSSER 
while   she   was  showing  the  Maids  a  loz 
enge-shaped  Ring  that   set   him  back  450 

Bucks. 

MORAL :     The  higher  they  fly  the  harder 

they  fall. 


[61] 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  SEARCH 
FOR  CLIMATE 

ONCE  there  was  a  Gentleman  of  the  deep 
est  dye  who  was  all  out  of  Kelter.  He  felt 
like  a  list  of  Symptoms  on  the  outside  of  a 
Dollar  Bottle.  He  looked  like  the  Picture 
you  see  in  the  Almanac  entitled,  "Before 
Taking." 

When  his  Liver  was  at  Perihelion,  he 
had  a  Complexion  suggesting  an  Alliga 
tor  Pear,  and  his  Eye-Balls  should  have 
been  taken  out  and  burnished. 

He  could  see  little  dirigible  Balloons 
drifting  about  in  all  parts  of  the  deep-blue 
Ether.  His  Tummy  told  him  that  some 
one  had  moved  in  and  was  giving  a  Chafing- 
Dish  Party.  Furthermore,  a  red-hot  Awl 

[62] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

had  been  inserted  under  each  Shoulder 
Blade. 

When  every  Tree  was  a  Weeping  W7illow 
and  the  Sun  went  slinking  behind  a  Cloud, 
his  only  definite  Yearn  was  to  crawl  into  a 
dark  Cellar  with  Fungus  on  the  Walls  and 
do  the  Shuffle,  after  making  a  sarcastic 
Will  that  disinherited  all  Relatives  and 
Friends. 

This  poor,  stricken  Gloomer  had  time 
tabled  himself  all  over  the  Universe,  try 
ing  to  close  in  on  a  Climate  that  would  put 
him  on  his  Feet  and  keep  him  Fit  as  a 
Fiddle. 

He  had  de-luxed  himself  to  remote  Spots 
that  were  supplied  with  Steam  Heat  and 
French  Cooking,  together  with  Wines, 
Liquors,  and  Cigars,  but  no  matter  what  the 
Altitude  or  the  Relative  Humidity,  he  felt 
discouraged  every  Morning  when  he  awoke 
and  remembered  that  presently  he  would 

[63] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

have  to  rally  his  Vital  Forces  and  walk  all 
the  way  to  the  Tub. 

It  was  too  bad  that  a  Clubman,  so  em 
inent  Socially,  should  be  thus  shot  to  Rags 
and  Fragments.  Could  aught  be  more 
Piteous  than  to  Witness  a  proud  and  haughty 
Income  tottering  along  the  Street,  searching 
in  vain  for  a  Workingman's  Appetite?  When 
one  with  a  spending  possibility  of  $2  a  Min 
ute  is  told  by  a  Specialist  to  drink  plenty  of 
Hot  Water,  the  Words  seem  almost  Ironic. 

His  Operating  Expenses  kept  running  up, 
and  yet  it  looked  like  sheer  Waste  to  lavish 
so  much  Collateral  on  the  upkeep  of  a 
Physical  Swabt 

To  show  you  how  he  worked  at  recouping 
his  Health,  once  he  spent  a  whole  Summer 
in  Merrie  England.  He  had  been  told  by 
a  Globe-Trotter  that  One  lodging  within  a 
mile  of  Trafalgar  Square  could  hoist ,  un 
limited  Scotch  and  yet  sidestep  the  Day  After. 

[64] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

The  Explanation  offered  by  members  of 
the  Royal  Alcoholic  Society  is  that  the 
Moisture  in  the  Atmosphere  counterbal 
ances  or  nullifies,  so  to  speak,  the  interior 
Wetness. 

Also,  the  normal  state  of  Melancholy  is 
such  that  even  a  case  of  Katzen jammer 
merely  blends  in  with  the  surrounding 
Drabness. 

He  experimented  sincerely  with  the 
Caledonian  Cure,  acquiring  a  rich  sunset 
Glow,  much  affected  by  half -pay  Majors 
and  the  elderly  Toffs  who  ride  in  the 
Row.  He  began  to  wear  his  Arteries  on 
the  outside,  just  like  a  true  son  of  Albion. 
This  cherry-ripe  Facial  Tint  proves  that 
the  Britisher  is  the  most  rugged  Chap  in 
the  World  —  except  when  he  is  in  Stock 
holm. 

In  fact,  if  the  New  York  Duds  worn  by 
the  Yank  had  been  less  of  a  Fit,  and  he 

[65] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

could  have  schooled  himself  to  look  at  a 
Herring  without  shuddering,  he  might  have 
rung  in  as  a  Resident  of  the  tight  little  Isle, 
for  he  was  often  Tight. 

He  learned  to  like  the  Smoky  Taste  and 
could  even  take  it  warm,  but  still  he  felt 
Rocky,  and  up  to  3  P.  M.  was  only  about 
30  per  cent.  Human. 

One  evening  in  a  polite  Pub  he  heard  about 
the  wonderful  Vin  Ordinaire  of  Sunny  France. 
He  was  told  that  the  Peasants  who  irrigated 
themselves  with  a  brunette  Fluid  resem 
bling  diluted  Ink  were  husky  as  Beeves  and 
simply  staggering  with  Health. 

So  he  went  motoring  in  the  Grape  and 
Chateau  District  and  played  Claret  both 
ways  from  the  Middle.  Every  time  the 
Petrol  chariot  pulled  up  in  front  of  a 
Brasserie,  he  would  call  for  a  Flagon  of 
some  rare  old  Vintage  squeezed  out  the  day 
before. 

[66] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

Then  he  would  go  riding  at  the  rate  of 
82  Kilos  an  Hour,  scooping  up  the  Climate 
as  he  scooted  along. 

Notwithstanding  -all  these  brave  Efforts 
to  overtake  Health,  he  would  feel  like  a 
frost-nipped  Rutabaga  when  the  matu 
tinal  Chanticleer  told  him  that  another 
blue  Dawn  was  sneaking  over  the  Hills. 

He  began  to  figure  himself  a  Candidate 
for  a  plain  white  Cot  in  the  Nerve  Garage, 
when  he  heard  of  the  wonderful  Air  and 
Dietary  Advantages  of  Germany.  It 
seemed  that  the  Fatherland  was  becoming 
Commercially  Supreme  and  of  the  greatest 
Military  Importance  because  every  Fritz 
kept  himself  saturated  with  the  Essence 
of  Munich. 

He  could  see  on  the  Post-Cards  that  each 
loyal  subject  of  Wilhelm  was  plump  and 
rosy,  with  Apple  Cheeks  and  a  well-de 
fined  Awning  just  below  the  Floating  Ribs, 

[67] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

and  a  Krug  of  dark  Suds  clutched  in  the 
right  Mitt. 

All  the  way  from  Dtisseldorf  to  Wohlge- 
baum  he  played  the  Circuit  of  Gardens 
with  nice  clean  Gravel  on  the  Ground  and 
Dill  Pickles  festooned  among  the  Caraway 
Trees.  Every  time  the  Military  Band 
began  to  breathe  a  new  Waltz  he  would 
have  Otto  bring  a  Tub  of  the  Dark  Brew 
and  a  Frankfurter  about  the  size  of  a  Sash 
Weight. 

Between  pulls  he  would  suspire  deeply, 
so  as  to  get  the  full  assistance  of  the  Climate. 

Sometimes  he  would  feel  that  he  was 
being  benefited. 

Often  at  9  P.  M.,  before  taking  his  final 
Schnitzel  and  passing  gently  into  a  state 
of  Coma,  he  would  get  ready  to  renounce 
allegiance  to  all  three  of  the  Political  Par 
ties  in  the  U.  S.  A.  and  grow  one  of  those 
U-Shaped  Mustaches. 

[68] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

Next  Morning,  like  as  not,  he  would 
emerge  from  beneath  the  Feather  Tick  and 
lean  against  the  Porcelain  Stove,  wonder 
ing  vaguely  if  he  could  live  through  the 
Day. 

The  very  Treatment  which  developed 
large  and  coarse-grained  Soldiers  all  through 
Schles wig-Hols tein  seemed  to  make  this 
Son  of  Connecticut  just  about  as  gimpy  as 
a  wet  Towel. 

Undismayed  by  repeated  Failures,  he 
took  some  Advice,  given  in  a  Rathskeller, 
and  went  to  a  Mountain  Resort  famous  for 
a  certain  brand  of  White  Vinegar  with  a 
colored  Landscape  on  the  Label. 

It  was  said  that  anyone  becoming  thor 
oughly  acidulated  with  this  noble  Beverage 
would  put  a  Feather  into  his  Granulated 
Lid  and  begin  to  Yodel. 

He  sat  among  the  snowy  Peaks,  entirely 
surrounded  by  the  rarefied  Atmosphere  so 

[69] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

highly  boosted  in  the  Hotel  Circulars,  sam 
pling  a  tall  bottle  of  every  kind  ending  with 
"heimer,"  and  yet  he  didn't  seem  to  get 
the  Results. 

At  last  he  headed  for  the  barbaric  Region 
which  an  unkindly  Fate  had  designated 
as  Home,  almost  convinced  that  there  was 
no  Climate  on  the  Map  which  would 
really  adapt  itself  to  all  the  intricate  Pe 
culiarities  of  his  complicated  Case. 

Often  he  would  be  found  in  the  Reception 
Room  just  next  to  the  shake-down  Parlor. 

After  reading  a  few  pages  <in  a  popular 
Magazine  dated  two  Years  back,  he  would 
be  admitted  to  the  little  inside  Room, 
faintly  perfumed  with  something  other 
than  New  Mown  Hay.  Here  he  would 
cower  before  the  dollar-a-minute  Specialist, 
wrho  would  apply  a  Dictagraph  to  the 
Heart  Region  and  then  say,  "You  are  all 
Run  Down." 

[70] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

Next  day  the  Sufferer  would  collect  his 
folding  Trunks  and  Head-Ache  Tablets 
and  Hot- Water  Bags  and  start  for  Florida 
or  California  or  the  Piney  Woods. 

Sometimes  he  would  seem  to  perk  up  for 
a  Day  or  two.  Enlivened  by  Hope  and  a 
few  Dry  Martinis,  he  would  move  up  to  a 
little  Table  in  the  shade  of  the  sheltering 
Candelabrum  and  tackle  the  Carte  du  Jour 
from  Caviar  to  Cafe  Noir. 

The  Climate  would  seem  to  be  helping 
his  Appetite. 

Within  24  Hours,  however,  he  would  be 
craving  only  some  cold  Carbonic  and  a 
few  Kind  Words. 

Florida  seemed  to  enervate  him.  Cali 
fornia  was  too  unsettled.  Even  in  the 
Mountains,  his  Heart  always  bothered  him 
after  a  Hearty  Meal.  And  the  Piney 
Woods  only  made  him  Pine  more  than  ever. 

Time  and  again  he  would  curl  up  in  the 
[71] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

palatial  Drawing-Room  at  one  end  of  the 
Sleeper  and  dream  that  six  Life-Long  Friends 
in  deep  Black  were  whispering  among  the 
Floral  Tributes  and  putting  on  Cotton 
Gloves. 

While  searching  for  the  Fountain  of 
Youth  he  would  bump  into  Sympathetic 
Souls  of  the  kind  who  infest  Observation 
Cars  and  hold  down  Rocking-Chairs  in 
front  of  Wooden  Hotels.  These  Fellow 
Voyagers  in  the  realm  of  Hypochondria 
wrould  give  him  various  Capsules  and  Tab 
lets,  supposed  to  be  good  for  whatever 
Ailed  one  at  the  Time. 

So  eager  was  he  to  regain  his  full  vigor 
and  be  able  to  eat  and  drink  everything 
forbidden  by  the  Doctors,  he  would  fall 
for  every  kind  of  Dope  made  from  Coal  Tar. 

Even  if  he  had  worn  Blinders  he  could 
not  have  walked  past  an  Apothecary  Shop. 

As  he  moved  about  he  produced  a  muffled 

[72.] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

Castanet  Effect,  for  he  had  a  little  box  of 
Medicated  Bullets  in  every  Pocket. 

Yet  he  was  not  in  Condition. 

His  Complexion  was  a  Bird's-Eye  Maple, 
and  he  looked  like  the  Superintendent  of 
a  prosperous  Morgue. 

One  Summer  Day,  when  he  was  only 
about  three  jumps  ahead  of  a  Cataleptic 
Convulsion,  he  had  to  get  on  the  Cars  and 
take  a  long  ride  to  inspect  some  Copper 
Mines  which  helped  to  fatten  his  impotent 
Income.  The  train  was  bowling  through 
a  placid  Dairy  Region  in  the  Common 
wealth  regulated  by  Mr.  La  Follette. 

The  Chronic  Invalid  was  in  the  Buffet, 
trying  to  work  up  a  Desire  for  Luncheon, 
when  suddenly  the  Car  turned  a  complete 
Somersault,  because  a  heavy  Freight  Train 
had  met  Number  Six  head  on. 

When  the  Subject  of  this  Treatise  came 
to,  he  was  propped  up  on  the  front  porch 

[73] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

of  a  Farm  House  with  one  Leg  in  Splints 
and  a  kind-faced  Lady  pressing  Cold  Appli 
cations  to  the  fevered  Brow. 

He  was  O.  K.  except  that  he  would  have 
to  lie  still  for  a  few  Weeks  while  the  Bones 
did  their  Knitting. 

The  good  Country  Folk  would  not  permit 
him  to  be  moved.  He  was  dead  willing 
to  sink  back  among  the  White  Pillows  and 
figure  the  Accident  Insurance. 

Through  the  Honeysuckles  and  Morning- 
Glories  he  could  see  the  long  slope  of 
Clover  Pasture,  with  here  and  there  a  de 
liberate  Cow,  and  the  Steeple  of  the  Re 
formed  Church  showing  above  a  distant 
clump  of  Soft  Maples. 

About  two  hours  after  emerging  from  the 
Trance,  he  made  his  customary  Diagnosis 
and  discovered  that  he  was  nervously 
shattered  and  in  urgent  need  of  a  most 
heroic  Bracer.  He  beckoned  to  the  pres- 

[74] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

ident  of  the  local  W.  C.  T.  U.  and  said  if 
they  were  all  out  of  Scotch,  he  could  do 
with  a  full-sized  Hooker  of  any  standard 
Bourbon  that  had  matured  in  Wood  and 
was  not  blended. 

Nurse  readjusted  his  Pillow  and  told 
him  that  as  soon  as  he  came  out  of  the  De 
lirium  he  could  dally  with  a  mug  of  Butter 
milk. 

By  and  by,  as  he  gathered  Strength,  she 
would  slip  him  some  Weak  Tea. 

He  had  heard  that  in  some  of  these  out 
lying  Regions,  the  Family  Sideboard  stood 
for  nothing  stronger  than  Mustard,  but 
this  was  the  first  time  he  had  met  Human 
Beings  who  were  not  on  visiting  Terms  with 
the  Demon  Rum. 

At  the  Cocktail  Hour  he  ventured  a 
second  Request  for  any  one  of  the  stand 
ard  .Necessities  of  Life,  but  Mrs.  Peabody 
read  him  a  Passage  from  the  Family  Med- 

[75] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

icine  Book  to  the  effect  that  Liquor  was 
never  to  be  used  except  for  Snake  Bites. 

When  he  ordered  the  Hired  Hand  to 
bring  him  a  large  Snake,  they  gave  him  a 
Sleeping  Powder  and  told  inquiring  Neigh 
bors  that  he  was  still  out  of  his  Head. 

Next  day  he  found  himself  alive,  thanks 
to  a  wonderful  Constitution. 

The  Samaritans  came  and  stood  around 
his  Couch  and  jollied  him  and  offered  him 
everything  except  what  he  needed. 

When  he  offered  to  compromise  on  Drug- 
Store  Sherry,  the  Daughter  of  the  House 
hold,  Luella  by  name,  brought  out  a  colored 
Chart  showing  the  Interior  of  a  Moderate 
Drinker's  Stomach.  After  that  he  was  afraid 
to  Chirp. 

Even  the  Cigarette  was  Taboo  among 
these  Good  People,  although  Father  could 
Fletcherize  about  10  cents'  worth  of  Lic 
orice  Plug  each  working  Day. 

[76] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 

Far  removed  from  the  Lad  with  the  White 
Apron,  and  with  nothing  to  inhale  except 
Ozone,  the  unhappy  Bon  Vivant  was  com 
pelled  to  put  up  with  these  most  unnatural 
Conditions. 

When  he  was  tired  of  dozing  he  could 
take  his  choice  of  any  kind  of  Milk  and  read 
a  few  more  pages  of  Robinson  Crusoe. 

Then  ensued  the  Miracle. 

His  Nerves  began  to  unspiral  themselves 
and  lie  down.  He  began  to  sit  up  and  listen 
for  the  Toot  of  the  Dinner  Horn. 

As  soon  as  he  could  hobble  on  Crutches 
they  put  him  on  the  Hay  Scales,  and  he 
thought  the  Thing  was  out  of  Whack,  for 
he  had  taken  on  4  Pounds. 

The  Fresh  Garden  Truck  seemed  su 
perior  to  any  that  he  had  been  able  to  obtain 
in  the  Best  Restaurants. 

What  was  more  amazing,  he  now  evinced 
a  critical  Interest  in  Clydesdale  Colts  and 
[77] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Leghorn  Roosters,  although  nothing  of  the 
sort  had  ever  come  into  his  Life  while  he 
had  an  Apartment  in  Forty-seventh  Street. 

When  he  took  his  game  Leg  back  to 
the  Metropolis,  he  hurried  to  the  Club 
and  made  a  startling  Report  to  all  the 
broken-down  Sports  assembled  in  the  Card- 
Room. 

He  said  he  had  discovered  the  only  Cli 
mate  in  the  World.  It  had  Switzerland 
skinned  and  was  not  enervating,  like  Flor 
ida,  for  he  had  been  sleeping  like  a  Baby 
and  felt  like  a  2-year-old  every  G.  M.,  in 
spite  of  the  fact  that  he  could  not  get  his 
regular  Rations. 

He  wanted  to  organize  a  Company  and 
build  a  Million  Dollar  Hotel  at  Once. 

With  a  New  York  Steward  to  supply  the 
Table  and  a  well-stocked  Cellar,  the  Resort 
ought  to  get  all  the  classy  Trade,  for  he 
hoped  to  die  if  the  Air  out  there  hadn't 

[78] 


THE  SEARCH  FOR  CLIMATE 
done  more  for  him  in  One  Month  than 
Europe  had  done  in  the  whole  Year. 

MORAL:  Nature  will  sometimes  help 
the  Unfortunate  who  finds  it  impossible 
to  reach  out  and  help  Himself. 


[79] 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  FATHER 
WHO  JUMPED  IN 


Father  came  in  and  took  one  look  and  said: 
"  Not  for  Mine!  I  won't  stand  for  any  Puss  Willow 
being  grafted  on  to  our  Family  Tree" 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  FATHER 
WHO  JUMPED  IN 

ONCE  there  was  a  leading  Citizen  with 
only  one  Daughter,  but  she  was  Some  Off 
spring. 

Bernice  was  chief  Expense  Account  and 
Crown  Jewel  of  a  Real  Estate  Juggler  who 
had  done  so  well  that  all  the  Strap-Hangers 
regarded  him  as  an  Enemy  to  Society. 

Papa  was  foolish,  even  as  a  Weasel. 

He  was  what  you  might  call  Honest, 
which  signified  that  all  of  his  Low  Work  had 
been  done  by  Agents. 

A  Person  of  rare  judgment,  withal.  He 
never  copped  a  piece  of  bulky  Swag  unless 
he  had  a  Wheelbarrow  with  him  at  the 
time. 

[83] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  had  been  going  East  with  the  Green 
Goods  ever  since  the  Party  in  Power  pre 
cipitated  the  first  Panic. 

He  had  Stacks  of  the  Needful,  and  his 
Rating  was  AA  Plus  1,  to  say  nothing  of  a 
Reserve  cached  in  the  little  Tin  Box. 

Daughter  alone  could  induce  him  to  un 
buckle,  and  melt,  and  jar  loose,  and  come 
across,  and  kick  in,  and  sting  the  Check- 
Book. 

One  day  Bernice  was  a  Little  Girl,  and 
the  next  she  was  head  Flossie  among  the 
Debutantes,  with  a  pack  of  Society  Hounds 
pursuing  in  Pull  Cry,  each  willing  to  help 
count  the  Bank  Roll. 

Father  was  scared  pink  when  he  sized  up 
the  Field. 

He  still  wore  box-toed  Boots  and  carried 
Foliage  on  the  Sub-Maxillary  so  that  those 
who  came  ringing  the  Front  Bell  didn't 
look  very  lucky  to  him. 

[84] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

Sometimes  he  would  dream  that  he  had 
been  pushed  into  a  Mausoleum  and  that  a 
slender  Cyril  with  a  Lady's  Watch  strapped 
on  his  wrist  was  spending  all  of  that  Money 
for  Signed  Etchings. 

Whereupon  he  would  awake  in  a  Cold 
Sweat  and  try  to  think  of  a  safe  Recipe  for 
poisoning  Boulevard  Blighters. 

One  day  Bernice  went  out  into  the  Sun 
shine  and  found  something  and  brought  it 
home  with  her  and  put  it  on  a  Rug  in  the 
Elizabethan  Room. 

Father  came  in  and  took  one  look  and 
said:  "Not  for  Mine!  I  won't  stand  for 
any  Puss  Willow  being  grafted  on  to  our 
Family  Tree." 

His  name  was  Kenneth,  and  he  reduced 
his  Percentage  on  the  first  day  by  having 
the  hem-stitched  Mouchoir  tucked  inside  of 
the  Cuff. 

Also,  it  was  rumored  that  he  put  oil  on 

[85] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

his  Eye-Brows  and  rubbed  Perfumery  on 
the  backs  of  his  Hands. 

Father  walked  around  the  He-Canary 
twice,  looking  at  him  over  the  Specs,  and 
then  he  rushed  to  the  Library  and  kicked 
the  Upholstery  out  of  an  $80  chair. 

He  could  see  the  love-light  glinting  in 
the  Eyes  of  Bernice.  She  had  fallen  for 
the  Flukus. 

Kenneth  was  installed  as  Steady. 

When  Bernice  saw  him  turn  the  Corner 
and  approach  the  House,  he  looked  to  her 
like  Rupert,  the  long  lost  Heir  —  while 
Father  discerned  only  an  insect  too  large 
to  be  treated  with  Powder. 

Kenneth  was  the  kind  of  Sop  that  you 
see  wearing  Evening  Clothes  on  a  Colored 
Post-Card. 

If  his  private  Estate  had  been  converted 
into  Pig  Iron,  he  could  have  carried  it  in 
his  Watch  Pocket. 

[86] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

He  was  re-fined  and  had  lovely  Teeth, 
but  those  who  knew  him  well  believed  the 
Story  that  when  he  was  a  Babe  in  Arms, 
the  Nurse  had  let  him  fall  and  strike  on 
the  Head. 

He  wore  his  Hair  straight  back  and  used 
Patent  Leather  dressing. 

He  was  full  of  Swank  and  put  on  much 
Side  and  wore  lily-colored  Spats  and  was 
an  awful  Thing  all  around,  from  Pa's  point 
of  view. 

In  a  crowd  of  Bank  Directors  he  would 
have  been  a  cheap  Swivel,  but  among  the 
Women  Folks  he  was  a  regular  Bright  Eyes. 

When  you  passed  through  the  Archway 
of  his  Intellectual  Domain  you  found  your 
self  in  the  Next  Block. 

But  —  he  could  go  into  a  Parlor  and 
sprinkle  Soothing  Syrup  all  over  the  Rugs. 

He  had  a  Vaudeville  Education  and  a 
small  Tenor  Voice,  with  the  result  that 

[87] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

many  a  fluttering  Birdie  regarded  him  as 
the  bona-fide  Ketchup. 

Bernice  thought  she  was  lucky  to  have 
snared  him  away  from  the  others,  and  she 
had  slipped  him  the  whispered  Promise, 
come  Weal,  come  Woe. 

She  had  no  Mother  to  guide  her,  and  it 
looked  as  if  the  Family  was  about  to  have 
a  Bermuda  wished  on  to  it. 

No  wonder  Father  was  stepping  sideways. 

He  would  come  home  in  the  evening  and 
find  the  Mush  perched  on  a  Throne  in  the 
Spot  Light,  shooting  an  azure-blue  Line 
of  desiccated  Drool,  with  Bernice  sitting 
out  in  front  and  Encoring. 

Then  he  would  retire  to  the  back  part 
of  the  House  to  bark  at  the  Butler  and  act 
as  if  he  had  been  eating  Red  Meat. 

He  knew  that  if  he  elbowed  in  and  tried 
to  break  up  the  Clinch,  it  would  mean  a 
Rope  Ladder,  a  piece  in  the  Papers,  and 

[88] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

a  final  Reconciliation,  with  Parent  playing 
the  usual  role  of  Goat. 

He  was  resolved  not  to  put  in  the  re 
mainder  of  his  Days  being  panhandled  by 
a  Souffle  who  wore  Dancing  Pumps  in  the 
Daytime.  The  problem  was  to  get  shut 
of  the  Rodent  without  resorting  to  any 
Rough  Stuff. 

Father  never  had  heard  tell  of  the  Perils 
of  Propinquity,  and  he  thought  Psychology 
had  something  to  do  with  Fish. 

Just  the  same,  he  remembered  about  a 
Quail  a  day  for  30  days,  and  he  knew  that 
the  most  agreeable  Perfumery  would  not 
smell  right  if  applied  with  a  Garden  Hose. 

Likewise,  he  suspected  that  many  a 
Quarter-House  would  blow,  if  put  into  a 
two-mile  Handicap. 

So  he  blocked  out  a  Program  which  proved 
that  Solomon  had  nothing  on  him. 

Instead  of  grilling  young  Kenneth  and 

[89] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

holding  him  up  to  Contumely  and  forbid 
ding  him  the  use  of  Cozy  Corner,  he  started 
in  to  boost  the  Love  Match. 

Kenneth  all  but  moved  in  his  Trunk. 

Father  had  a  chance  to  weigh  him,  down 
to  the  last  Ounce,  and  study  the  simple 
Mechanism  of  his  transparent  Personality. 

Father  classified  the  would-be  Child-in- 
Law  as  a  Gobble,  which  means  a  Home- 
Wrecker  who  is  still  learning  his  Trade. 

The  Candidate  became  a  regular  Boarder. 

Kenneth  would  sit  right  up  close  to  old 
Cash-in-Hand,  who  would  egg  him  on  to 
tell  Dialect  Stories  and,  after  that,  show 
how  to  make  a  Salad. 

The  Stories  were  some  that  Marshall 
Wilder  stopped  using  in  1882  and  since 
then  have  been  outlawed  on  the  Kerosene 
Circuit. 

After  Bernice  had  heard  these  Almanac 
Wheezes  26  or  28  times,  she  would  sit  still 

[90] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

and  look  at  the  Center-Piece  while  Lover 
was  performing. 

The  Gags  didn't  sound  as  killing  as  they 
had  at  first,  and  sometimes  she  wished  the 
Dear  Boy  would  chop  on  them. 

No  chance.  Father  had  him  kidded  into 
believing  that  all  the  old  ham-fat  Riddles 
were  simply  Immense. 

As  for  that  Salad  Specialty,  the  poor 
Gink  who  calls  loudly  for  English  Mustard 
and  thinks  he  is  a  Genius  because  he  can 
rub  a  Bowl  with  a  sprig  of  Garlic,  may  have 
his  brief  Hour  of  Triumph,  but  no  man 
ever  really  got  anywhere  by  doping  Salad, 
when  you  stop  to  add  it  all  up. 

Father  would  put  the  two  young  people 
together  in  the  back  of  the  Touring  Car 
and  ride  them  around  for  Hours  at  a  time. 

Anybody  who  has  cut  in  on  one  of  those 
animated  Automobile  Conversations,  while 
the  salaried  Maniac  from  France  is  hitting 

[91] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

up  42  miles  an  Hour,  will  tell  you  that  the 
hind  end  of  a  Motor  Vehicle  is  no  good 
Trysting  Place  for  an  Engaged  Couple. 

Bernice  would  get  home  after  one  of 
these  wild  swoops  into  the  realm  of  the 
Death  Angel,  and  totter  to  her  room  and 
lie  down,  and  murmur:  "I  wonder  what 
ailed  Kenneth  to-day.  He  seemed  Pre 
occupied." 

That  Same  Evening,  just  when  she 
needed  Smelling  Salts  and  Absolute  Quiet, 
her  enthusiastic  Father  would  have  Fiance 
up  to  Dinner  to  pull  the  same  stale  Reper 
toire  and  splash  around  in  the  Oil  and 
Vinegar. 

If  any  Guests  were  present,  then  Father 
would  play  Introducer  and  tell  them  be 
forehand  how  good  Kenneth  was. 

When  given  his  Cue,  the  Lad  would 
swell  up  and  spring  a  hot  One  about  the 
Swede  and  the  Irishman,  while  Bernice 

[92] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

would  fuss  with  the  Salt  and  wonder  dimly 
if  the  Future  had  aught  in  store  for  her 
except  Dialect  Stuff. 

Father  had  read  on  a  Blotter  somewhere 
that  Absence  makes  the  Heart  grow  fonder, 
so  he  played  his  System  with  the  Reverse 
English. 

He  arranged  a  nice  long  trip  by  Land  and 
Water  and  took  the  male  Sweetheart  along, 
so  that  the  Doting  Pair  could  be  together 
at  Breakfast. 

His  cunning  had  now  become  diabolical. 
He  was  getting  ready  to  apply  the  Supreme 
Test. 

Every  Morning,  when  Bernice  looked 
over  her  Baked  Apple  she  saw  nothing 
in  this  wide  World  except  Kenneth,  still 
reeking  of  Witch  Hazel  and  spotted  with 
Talcum  Powder,  and  not  very  long  on 
Sparkling  Conversation. 

When  he  was  propped  up  in  the  cold 

[93] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Dawn,  with  his  eyes  partially  open,  he  did 
not  resemble  a  Royal  Personage  nearly  as 
much  as  he  had  in  some  of  his  earlier  Pho 
tographs. 

Father  would  order  soft-boiled  Eggs  to 
be  Eaten  from  the  Shell.  When  Kenneth 
got  around  to  these,  he  would  cease  to  be 
a  Romantic  Figure  for  at  least  a  few  Min 
utes.  Bernice  would  turn  away  in  dread 
and  look  out  at  the  swaying  Trees  and  long 
to  see  some  of  her  Girl  Friends  back  home. 

After  Kenneth  had  been  served  to  her, 
three  meals  a  day,  for  two  Weeks  and  they 
had  ridden  together  for  Ages  and  Ages,  in 
Pullman  Compartments,  she  made  certain 
horrible  Discoveries. 

One  of  his  Ears  was  larger  than  the 
other. 

He  made  a  funny  noise  with  his  Adam's 
Apple  when  drinking  Hot  Coffee. 

When  he  was  annoyed,  he  bit  his  nails. 

[94] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

When  suffering  from  a  Cold,  he  was 
Sniffy. 

The  first  time  she  became  aware  of  the 
slight  discrepancy  in  Ears,  she  suffered 
only  a  slight  Annoyance.  It  handed  her  a 
tiny  Pang  to  find  a  Flaw  in  a  Piece  of  Work 
that  she  had  regarded  as  Perfect. 

After  she  had  seen  nothing  else  but  those 
Ears  for  many,  many  Days,  it  became  evi 
dent  to  her  that  if  Kenneth  truly  loved  her, 
he  would  go  and  have  them  fixed. 

Likewise,  every  time  her  Heart's  Delight 
lifted  the  Cup  to  his  Ruby  Lips,  she  would 
grip  the  Table  Cloth  with  both  Hands, 
and  whisper  to  herself,  "Now  we  get  the 
Funny  Noise." 

Kenneth,  in  the  mean  while,  had  found 
out  that  her  Hair  did  not  always  look  the 
same,  but  one  who  is  striving  to  get  a  Meal 
Ticket  for  Life  cannot  be  over-fastidious. 

He  was  Game  and  stood  ready  to  obey 

[951 


ADE'S  FABLES 

all  Orders  in  order  to  pull  down  the  Capital 
Prize. 

He  had  been  such  a  Hit  in  the  Maple- 
Sundae  Set  that  he  could  not  conceive  the 
possibility  of  any  Female  becoming  sati 
ated  with  his  Society. 

The  poor  Loon  never  stopped  to  figure 
out  that  the  only  way  to  keep  a  Girl  sitting 
up  and  interested  is  to  stay  away  once  in  a 
while  and  give  her  a  Vacation. 

Father  was  right  on  the  Job  to  see  that 
Bernice  had  no  Vacation.  He  framed  it 
up  to  give  her  a  Foretaste  of  Matrimony 
every  Day  in  the  Week. 

If  the  Future  Husband  wandered  more 
than  thirty  feet  from  her  side,  Father 
would  nail  him  and  Sic  him  on  to  her  again. 

She  would  look  up  and  say:  "Oh,  Fury! 
Look  who's  here  again!" 

This  was  no  way  for  a  true-hearted  Maiden 
to  speak  of  her  Soul  Mate. 

[96] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

Father  put  the  Cap  Sheaf  on  his  big 
Experiment  by  accepting  an  invitation  to 
go  Yachting. 

He  put  them  side  by  side  on  Deck  and 
told  them  to  comfort  each  other,  in  case 
anything  happened. 

They  never  could  have  been  quite  the 
same  to  each  other  after  that  Day. 

Bernice  wanted  to  get  back  on  Shore 
and  hunt  her  Room  and  peel  down  to  a 
Kimono  and  refuse  any  Callers  for  a 
Month. 

Even  the  accepted  Swain  was  beginning 
to  slow  up.  He  could  remember  the  time 
when  he  used  to  sit  around  with  members 
of  his  own  Sex. 

Father  had  no  Mercy.  He  took  the  two 
Invalids  back  to  Land  and  rounded  them 
up  for  Breakfast  next  morning. 

When  Kenneth  appeared,  he  was  slightly 
greenish  in  Color. 

[97] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

One  Ear  was  three  times  as  large  as  the 
other.  He  had  caught  a  Sniffy  Cold. 

In  partaking  of  his  Coffee  he  made 
Sounds  similar  to  those  coming  through  the 
Partition  when  the  People  in  the  adjoin 
ing  Flat  have  trouble  with  the  Plumbing. 

He  saw  Bernice  glaring  at  him  and  bit 
his  Nails  in  Embarrassment. 

Father  felt  the  Crisis  impending  and  laid 
on  the  last  Straw. 

"I  was  trying  to  recall  that  Story," 
said  he  —  "the  One  about  the  German  and 
the  Dog." 

Bernice  gave  one  Shriek  and  then  dashed 
from  the  Room,  making  hysterical  Outcries 
along  the  Corridor. 

Father  told  Kenneth  to  check  all  the 
Trunks  for  Home  and  then  catch  an  early 
Train. 

Bernice  was  squirming  about  on  the 
Hotel  Sofa  when  Father  entered  the  Room. 

[98] 


THE  FATHER  WHO  JUMPED  IN 

She  threw  herself  into  his  Arms  and 
passionately  demanded,  "Why,  oh,  why 
are  you  trying  to  force  me  into  marrying 
that  Creature?" 

MORAL:     Don't   get   acquainted   too 
soon. 


199] 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  UPLIFTER 
AND  HIS  DANDY  LITTLE  OPUS 

ONCE  there  was  a  Litry  Guy  who  would 
don  his  Undertaker's  Regalia  and  the 
White  Satin  Puff  Tie  and  go  out  of  an 
Afternoon  to  read  a  Paper  to  the  Wim- 
men. 

At  every  Tea  Battle  and  Cookie  Carnival 
he  was  hailed  as  the  Big  Hero. 

A  good  many  pulsating  Dulcineas  who 
didn't  know  what  "Iconoclast"  meant,  re 
garded  him  as  an  awful  Iconolast. 

And  cynical  ?     Mercy ! 

When  he  stood  up  in  a  Front  Room  and 
Unfolded  his  MS.,  and  swallowed  the  Pep 
permint  Wafer  and  began  to  Bleat,  no  one 
in  the  World  of  Letters  was  safe. 

[100] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

He  would  wallop  Dickens  and  jounce 
Kipling  and  even  take  a  side-swipe  at 
Luella  Prentiss  Budd,  who  was  the  Poet 
ess  Laureate  for  the  Ward  in  which  he 
lived. 

Ever  since  his  Stuff  had  been  shot  back 
by  a  Boston  Editor  with  a  Complimentary 
Note,  he  had  billed  himself  as  an  Author 
and  had  been  pointed  out  as  such  at  more 
than  one  Chautauqua. 

Consequently  his  Views  on  Recent  Fic 
tion  carried  much  weight  with  the  Carries. 

He  loved  to  pile  the  Fagots  around  a 
Best  Seller  and  burn  it  to  a  Cinder,  while 
the  Girls  past  30  years  of  Age  sat  in  front 
of  him  and  Shuddered. 

As  for  the  Drama,  he  could  spread  a 
New  York  Success  on  the  marble-top 
Table  and  cjissect  it  until  nothing  was 
left  but  the  Motif,  and  then  he  would 
heave  that  into  the  Waste  Basket,  there- 

[101] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

by  leaving  the  Stage  in  America  flat  on  its 
back. 

And  if  you  mentioned  Georgie  Cohan  to 
him,  the  Foam  would  begin  to  fleck  his 
Lips  and  he  would  go  plumb  Locoed. 

After  he  had  been  sitting  on  the  Fence 
for  many  years,  booing  those  who  tried 
to  saw  Wood,  his  Satellites  began  coaxing 
him  to  write  something  that  would  show  up 
Charley  Klein  and  Gus  Thomas  and  all 
the  other  Four-Flushers  who  were  raking 
in  Royalties  under  False  Pretenses. 

They  knew  he  was  a  Genius,  because 
nothing  pleased  him. 

He  decided  to  start  with  something  easy 
and  dash  off  an  Operetta. 

Having  sat  through  some  of  the  Cur 
rent  Offerings,  he  noted  that  the  Dialogue 
was  unrelated  to  Real  Literature  and  the 
Verses  lacked  Metrical  Symmetry. 

It  would  be  a  Pipe  for  a  sure-enough  Bard 
[102] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

to  sit  down  on  a  Rainy  Afternoon  and  grind 
out  something  that  might  serve  as  a  Model 
for  Harry  B.  Smith. 

So  he  had  a  Vase  of  Fresh  Flowers  put 
on  his  Desk  every  Day,  and  he  would  sit 
there,  waiting  for  the  Muse  to  keep  her 
Date. 

At  the  end  of  a  Month  he  had  it  all 
planned  to  lay  the  First  Scene  in  front  of  a 
Palace  with  a  Forest  on  the  Back  Drop 
so  as  to  get  a  lot  of  Atmosphere. 

There  was  to  be  a  Princess  in  the  Thing, 
and  a  Picture  of  the  long-lost  Mother  in 
the  Locket  and  other  New  Stuff . 

He  put  in  Hours  and  Hours  hand-em 
broidering  the  Verses. 

When  he  made  "Society"  rhyme  with 
"Propriety,"  he  thought  he  was  getting 
to  be  Gilbertian. 

While  these  Lyrics  were  still  quivering, 
he  would  take  them  out  and  read  them  to 

[103] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

his  wife  and  the  Hired  Girl  and  the  man  who 
attended  to  the  Furnace,  and  get  their  Im 
partial  Judgment. 

They  agreed  that  it  was  Hot  Gravy  and 
too  good  for  the  Stage. 

Encouraged  by  these  heart-felt  Enco 
miums,  he  would  hike  back  to  the  Study, 
shoot  himself  in  the  Arm  with  a  hypo 
thetical  Needle,  and  once  more  begin  pick 
ing  Grapes  in  Arcady. 

When  People  came  up  to  the  House,  not 
knowing  that  he  had  been  taken  down 
with  anything,  he  would  own  up  that  he 
was  working  on  a  Mere  Trifle,  and  then, 
after  being  sufficiently  urged,  he  would  give 
a  Reading. 

These  Readings  could  have  been  headed 
off  only  by  an  Order  of  Court  or  calling 
out  the  State  Guard. 

Inasmuch  as  the  large-size  Carnegie  Medal 
for  Heroism  is  waiting  for  the  Caller  who 

[1041 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

has  the  immortal  Rind  to  tell  a  poetical  Pest 
that  his  output  is  Punk,  the  Author  found 
himself  smeared  with  Compliments  after 
each  of  these  parlor  Try-Outs. 

They  kidded  him  into  thinking  that  he 
had  incubated  a  Whale. 

When  he  had  chewed  up  a  Gross  of 
Pencils  and  taken  enough  Tea  to  float  the 
Imperator,  the  great  Work  was  complete  and 
ready  to  be  launched  with  a  loud  Splash. 

He  began  to  inquire  the  Name  of  some 
prominent  Theatre  Blokie  who  was  a  keen 
Student  of  the  Classics  and  a  Person  of 
super-refined  Taste. 

The  man  he  sought  had  moved  into  the 
Poor  House,  so  he  compromised  by  ex 
pressing  his  typewritten  Masterpiece  to  a 
Ringmaster  whose  name  he  had  seen  on 
the  Three  Sheets.  It  was  marked,  "Val 
uable  Package." 

In  a  few   months   the    hirelings    of    the 

[105] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Company  and  the  Driver  of  the  Wagon 
became  well  acquainted  with  the  Large 
Envelope  containing  the  only  Hope  of  the 
present  decadent  Period. 

Every  time  the  Work  came  back  to  him 
with  a  brief  printed  Suggestion  that  any 
Male  Adult  not  physically  disabled  could 
make  $1.75  a  day  with  a  Shovel,  the  Author 
would  appear  at  the  Afternoon  Club  with 
another  scathing  arraignment  of  certain 
Commercial  Aspects  of  the  Modern  Stage. 

He  saw  that  it  was  over  their  Heads. 

It  was  too  darned  Dainty  for  a  Flat- 
Head  who  spelt  Art  with  a  lower-case  "a." 

Yet  it  was  so  drenched  and  saturated 
and  surcharged  with  Merit  that  he  resolved 
to  have  it  done  by  Local  Amateurs  rather 
than  see  it  lost  to  the  World. 

The  Music  was  written  by  Genius  No.  2, 
working  in  a  Piano  Store.  He  had  been 
writing  Great  Music  for  years. 

[106] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

Whenever  he  heard  anything  catchy, 
he  went  home  and  wrote  it. 

He  was  very  Temperamental.  That  is, 
he  got  soused  on  about  three,  and,  while 
snooted,  would  deride  Victor  Herbert,  thus 
proving  that  he  was  Brilliant,  though  Er 
ratic. 

He  had  a  trunkful  of  Tunes  that  were 
too  scholarly  for  the  Ikeys  who  publish 
Popular  Trash. 

He  fitted  them  on  to  the  Libretto  writ 
ten  by  the  Litry  Guy. 

When  the  two  got  together  to  run  over  the 
Book  and  Score,  they  were  sure  enthusiastic. 

The  Author  said  the  Lines  were  the  best 
he  had  ever  heard,  and  the  Composer  said 
the  Numbers  were  all  Gems. 

When  the  Home  Talent  bunch  pulled  the 
whole  Affair  before  a  mob  of  Personal 
Friends  and  a  subsidized  City  Editor,  it 
was  a  Night  of  Triumph  for  all  concerned. 

[107] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  trained  and  trusty  Liars  who,  in 
every  Community,  wear  Evening  Clothes 
and  stand  around  at  Receptions,  all  crowded 
up  to  the  Author  and  gave  him  the  Cordial 
Mitt  and  boosted  something  scandalous. 

He  didn't  know  that  all  of  them  Knocked 
after  they  got  around  the  Dutch  Lunch. 

He  went  home,  sobbing  with  Joy.  That 
night  he  nominated  himself  for  the  Hall  of 
Fame  and  put  it  to  a  Vote,  and  there  was 
not  one  Dissenting  Voice. 

Every  deluded  Boob  who  can  bat  up 
Fungoes  in  his  own  Back  Yard  thinks  he 
is  qualified  to  break  into  a  Major  League 
and  line  out  Two-Baggers. 

There  was  no  holding  the  inspired  Li 
brettist  and  the  talented  young  Composer. 

They  knew  that  the  eager  Public  in  48 
States  was  waiting  for  the  Best  Thing  since 
"Robin  Hood." 

The  Author  went  up  to  the  City  and 

[108] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

found  a  Manager  who  had  a  Desk  and  a 
lot  of  Courage  and  a  varied  experience  in 
risking  other  people's  Coin. 

After  the  two  Geniuses  had  mortgaged 
their  Homes,  the  Impresario  was  enabled 
to  get  some  Scenery  built  and  rally  a  large 
Drove  of  Artists  —  most  of  them  carrying 
Hand  Bags. 

During  Rehearsals  the  brutal  Stage  Man 
ager  wanted  to  cut  the  Gizzard  out  of  the 
Book  and  omit  most  of  the  sentimental 
Arias,  but  Mr.  Words  and  Mr.  Music 
emitted  such  shrieks  of  protest  against  the 
threatened  Sacrilege  that  he  allowed  all 
the  select  home-made  Guff  to  remain  in 
the  Script. 

He  thought  it  would  serve  them  right. 

When  they  gave  the  first  Real  Perform 
ance  in  a  Dog  Town  on  a  drizzly  evening 
in  November,  there  was  no  Social  Eclat 
to  fill  the  sails. 

[109] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  House  was  mostly  Paper  and  there 
fore  very  Missouri. 

Also  a  full  delegation  from  the  Coffin- 
Trimmers'  Union  with  Cracked  Ice  in 
their  Laps. 

They  did  not  owe  any  Money  to  the 
Author  or  have  any  Kinfolk  in  the  Cast,  so 
they  sat  back  with  their  Hands  under  them 
and  allowed  the  pretty  little  Opera  to  die 
like  an  Outcast. 

The  only  Laugh  in  the  Piece  was  when  the 
Drop  Curtain  refused  to  work. 

After  the  Show  the  Manager  met  them 
at  an  Oyster  House  and  told  them  they  had 
eased  a  Persimmon  to  him. 

He  said  the  whole  Trick  was  a  Bloomer. 
It  was  just  as  funny  as  a  Wooden  Leg.  It 
needed  much  Pep  and  about  two  tons  of 
Bokum. 

Both  Words  and  Music  refused  to  coun 
tenance  any  radical  Changes. 

[110] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

They  said  it  would  be  another  "Caval- 
leria"  as  soon  as  they  could  do  it  before  an 
intelligent  Audience  of  True-Lovers. 

The  Ex-Minstrel  Man  said  there  wasn't 
no  such  Animal  as  an  intelligent  Play 
goer. 

The  Simp  that  pushed  his  Metal  into 
the  Box  Office  wanted  Something  Doing 
every  minute  and  many  Gals,  otherwise 
it  was  back  to  the  Store-House  and  a  Card 
in  the  Clipper. 

The  Call  on  the  Board  read  "Everybody 
at  Ten,"  but  the  brainy  Writer  and  the 
versatile  Composer  were  not  included. 

When  they  appeared  at  the  Stage  Door 
they  were  met  by  Props,  who  told  them  to 
get  to  a  certain  Place  out  of  there. 

Standing  in  the  Alley,  they  could  hear 
Wails  of  Anguish,  and  they  knew  that 
their  Child  was  having  the  Vital  Organs 
removed. 

[ill] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  celebrated  Author  of  the  Graveyard 
Rag  had  been  summoned  in  haste.  He 
was  in  charge  of  the  Clinic  —  taking  out 
the  Grammar  and  putting  in  Gags. 

The  Duos  and  Ensembles  were  being 
dropped  through  the  Trap  Door  to  make 
way  for  recent  Song  Hits  from  the  alcoholic 
Cabarets. 

The  Ax  fell  right  on  the  powdered  Neck 
of  the  beautiful  Prima  Donna,  who  had 
studied  for  Grand  Opera,  but  never  had 
been  able  to  find  an  Orchestra  that  would 
fit  her  Voice. 

Her  Part  was  changed  from  a  Princess 
to  a  Shop-Lifter  and  was  assigned  to  Cissy 
St.  Vitus,  late  of  a  Burlesque  Bunch  known 
as  the  Lady  Bugs. 

The  Tenor  was  given  the  Hook,  and  his 
sentimental  Role  was  entrusted  to  a  Head- 
Spinner  who  had  acquired  his  Dramatic 
Schooling  with  the  Ringling  Circus. 

[112] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

All  of  which  comes  under  the  head  of 
whipping  a  Performance  into  Shape. 

When  the  two  Geniuses  sat  out  in  front 
they  recognized  nothing  except  the  Scenery 
and  Costumes. 

Their  idyllic  Creation  had  been  man 
gled  into  a  roughhouse  Riot,  in  which 
Disorderly  Conduct  alternated  with  the 
shameless  Gyrations  taught  in  San  Fran 
cisco. 

The  last  Act  had  been  omitted  altogether 
without  affecting  the  coherency  of  the  Story. 

The  Plot  died  just  four  minutes  after 
-the  Ring-Up. 

Although  the  Report  showed  27  Encores 
and  the  Gate  began  to  jump  $80  a  Night, 
both  the  intellectual  Troubadour  and  the 
Student  of  Counter-Harmonies  went  to 
the  Manager  and  cried  on  his  Shoulder 
and  said  that  their  Beautiful  Work  had 
been  ruined. 

[113] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  called  attention  to  the  Chunk  of 
Money  tied  up  in  Silk  Tights  and  fireproof 
Borders. 

When  it  came  to  a  show-down  between 
Dough  and  Art  he  didn't  propose  to  tear 
up  his  Meal  Ticket. 

If  they  would  beat  it  and  stay  hid  and 
leave  the  Artists  fatten  up  their  Scenes, 
probably  the  Bloomer  could  be  converted 
into  a  Knock-Out. 

While  they  were  in  the  Sanitarium,  the 
former  Minstrel  King  and  young  Abie  Fixit 
from  the  Music  Foundry  cut  out  the  last 
vestiges  of  the  Original  Stuff  and  put  in 
two  Turns  that  had  landed  strong  over  the 
whole  Orpheum  Circuit. 

The  romantic  Operetta  now  became 
known  as  Another  One  of  Those  Things. 

It  was  eagerly  discussed  by  Club  Women 
and  College  Students. 

Good    seats    down   in    the    Observation 

[114] 


THE  UPLIFTER  AND  HIS  LITTLE  OPUS 

Rows  were  not  to  be  had  except  at  the  Hotel 
News  Stand. 

The  Litry  Guy  and  the  Music-Maker 
came  out  of  the  Rest  Cure  to  learn  that 
they  had  registered  a  Hit  and  could  get 
their  names  in  "Who's  Who." 

With  the  Royalty  Checks  coming  in 
from  the  eastern  Centers  of  Culture  they 
were  enabled  to  buy  four-cylinder  Cars  with 
which  to  go  riding  in  lonesome  Country 
Lanes,  far  from  the  sight  of  a  Bill-Board. 

When  the  Number  Two  Company  came 
along  presenting  the  Metropolitan  Success 
in  the  One-Nighters,  the  reincarnated  Gil 
bert  and  Sullivan  packed  up  their  Families 
and  escaped  to  French  Lick. 

It  was  a  Sell-Out,  because  all  the  Mem 
bers  of  the  Research  Club  wanted  to  see 
that  new  Dido  called  the  Chicken  Flop. 

There  was  no  knocking  at  the  Dutch 
Lunches  that  night. 

[115] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Every  one  said  the  Show  was  a  Bird,  but 
they  thought  it  was  up  to  the  Author  to 
resign  from  the  Baptist  Church. 

MORAL:  In  elevating  the  Drama  be 
sure  to  get  it  High  enough,  even  if  you  have 
to  make  it  a  trifle  Gamey. 


[116] 


He  was  dazed  and  horrified  to  find  himself  sud 
denly  subjected  to  the  demoralizing  Influences  of 
the  Small  Town 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  WANDER 
ING  BOY  AND  THE  WAYWARD 
PARENT 

ONCE  there  was  a  story-book  Stripling 
who  uncoupled  himself  from  a  Yahoo  Set 
tlement  and  moseyed  up  to  the  Congested 
Crossings  and  the  Electric  Signs.  In  due 
time  he  returned,  wearing  Gloves  and  with 
his  Teeth  full  of  Gold. 

Ever  since  that  historic  Example  it  has 
been  the  daily  desire  of  the  Yokel,  staked 
down  in  a  County  Seat,  to  walk  in  on  Judge 
Gary  and  form  a  Partnership. 

It  befell  that  after  a  High  School  Alumnus 
had  gone  to  a  Varsity  and  scaled  the  fear 
some  heights  of  Integral  and  Differential 
Calculus,  he  came  home  to  get  some  more 

[119] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

of  Father's  Shirts  and  Handkerchiefs  and 
take  a  new  Slant  at  Life's  doubtful  Vista, 
while  getting  his  Board  for  nothing. 

The  Town  of  his  Nativity  did  not  occupy 
many  Pages  in  the  statistical  Census  Re 
ports.  In  fact,  all  the  travelling  Troupers 
who  had  worked  for  K.  and  E.  referred  to 
it  as  a  Lime,  which  is  the  same  as  a  Lemon, 
only  smaller. 

The  ambitious  Bachelor  of  Arts  had  a  lot 
of  Geological  Data  and  College  Fraternity 
Lore  stowed  away  under  his  Mor tar-Board. 
His  hopes  were  set  on  something  more 
noble  than  a  Chair  and  a  Table  and  a 
Blotter  in  a  dusty  Office  up  the  Stairway 
leading  to  Odd  Fellows'  Hall. 

So  he  resolved  to  hit  the  long  Trail  lead 
ing  to  a  Modern  Babylon  where  the  Even 
ing  papers  were  on  the  Streets  before  Noon. 

He  figured  that  a  Gazimbat  with  a  John 
C.  Calhoun  Forehead  and  a  lot  of  inside 
[1*0] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

Dope  on  Hindoo  Anthology  could  break 
into  almost  any  Reservoir  of  Culture  and 
bring  home  the  Bacon. 

Parents  were  dead  willing  to  have  him 
migrate  and  take  his  Tailor  Bills  with  him, 
but  they  shivered  with  Dread  when  it  came 
time  to  ship  him  to  Gomorrah. 

They  knew  all  about  the  unbridled  Dev 
iltry  of  the  City,  having  seen  the  large 
colored  Illustrations  in  the  Sunday  Papers. 

They  had  it  on  good  Authority  that  the 
whole  sub-stratum  of  Urban  Existence  wras 
honeycombed  with  Rathskellers,  while  a 
Prominent  Actress  waited  on  almost  every 
Corner,  soliciting  Travel  on  the  Taxicab 
Route  to  the  everlasting  Coke  Ovens. 

While  Elmer's  fragile  Steamer  Trunk  was 
being  hoisted  into  the  Dray,  all  the  Rela 
tions  who  had  assisted  in  bringing  him  up 
by  Hand  clustered  around  the  Melodeon 
and  sang,  "Oh,  where  is  my  Boy  to-night?" 
[  121 1 


ADE'S  FABLES 

After  the  Day  Coach  had  pulled  away 
from  the  Depot,  he  opened  the  Shoe-Box 
to  extract  a  Crull  and  found  a  Book  written 
by  T.  DeWitt  Talmage,  in  which  many 
Passages  were  marked. 

He  arrived  at  Union  Station  with  his 
Fingers  crossed.  He  told  himself  that  he 
would  break  into  a  Dog  Trot  every  time 
Vice  beckoned  to  him. 

After  he  had  hung  up  his  Diploma  and 
Razor  Strop  in  the  third-story  Recess  of  a 
very  naughty  Beanery,  he  hunted  up  some 
of  the  dear  old  Pals  with  whom  he  had 
bunked  in  the  Dorm. 

They  told  him  they  would  put  him  next 
to  a  lot  of  nice  clean  People. 

He  began  to  tremble,  fearing  that  some 
one  was  about  to  offer  him  Champagne, 
but  the  Orgy  to  which  they  conducted  him 
was  merely  a  meeting  of  the  Civic  Purifiers 
in  a  basement  underneath  a  Church. 

[122] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

He  had  not  expected  to  find  any  Churches 
in  the  great  wicked  City.  He  thought 
each  side  of  the  Street  would  be  built  up 
solidly  with  Syndicate  Theatres,  Baccha 
nalian  Bazaars,  and  Manicure  Pitfalls. 

Instead  of  finding  Vice  triumphant,  he 
learned  that  it  was  being  chased  up  an 
Alley  by  the  entire  Police  Force  and  the 
Federation  of  Women's  Clubs. 

He  had  the  gift  of  Gab  and  a  natural 
thirst  for  Tea,  and  the  first  thing  he  knew 
he  had  been  drawn  into  so  many  Campaigns 
for  Social  Betterment  that  he  had  no  time 
to  hunt  up  conventional  Temptations, 
such  as  the  Welsh  Rabbit  or  the  Musical 
Comedy. 

He  found  himself  sitting  next  a  new  type 
of  Lassie.  She  had  no  Heels  on  her  Shoes, 
pronounced  each  Syllable  distinctly,  and 
believed  that  her  Mission  in  Life  was  to 
carry  Maeterlinck  to  the  Masses. 

[123] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

In  nearly  every  Instance  she  had  a 
Father  who  acted  as  frozen  Figurehead  for 
some  Trust  Company. 

Consequently,  Elmer  began  to  perk  up 
and  serve  on  Committees  which  met  in 
Exclusive  Homes  and  were  entirely  sur 
rounded  by  Mahogany. 

Whenever  an  Intellectual  Queen  pushed 
the  Button,  Elmer  was  right  there  with  a 
Pitcher  of  Ice  Water. 

His  Researches  had  proved  to  him  that 
one  of  the  Keenest  Enjoyments  of  City 
Life  is  to  remain  away  from  the  glaring 
Lobster  Palace,  especially  when  one  can 
get  one's  Mallard  Duck  free  of  charge  in  a 
Flat  renting  for  $6000  a  Year. 

Elmer  became  identified  with  the  Clean 
ing  Brigade  of  the  Reform  Element  simply 
by  riding  on  the  Current  of  Events. 

Adapting  himself  unconsciously  to  his 
antisepticized  Environment,  he  acquired 

[124] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

the  Art  of  putting  over  the  saccharine  Ex 
temporaneous  Address,  and  he  could  smile, 
with  his  Teeth  exposed,  for  an  Hour  at  a 
time. 

In  fact,  he  was  a  great  Success. 

At  first  he  took  in  the  Symphony  Or 
chestra  because  he  was  dragged  thither. 
After  about  t\vo  years  the  Virus  had  per 
meated  his  System,  and  he  was  a  regular 
Brahmsite.  If  he  didn't  get  a  full  dose  of 
Peer  Gynt  every  few  days,  he  was  as  ner 
vous  as  a  Cat. 

The  tall  and  straight-grained  Heiress 
who  finally  landed  him  was  only  too  glad 
to  slip  him  the  Bank-Book  and  tell  him  to 
go  and  sit  in  with  the  other  Directors. 

And  now,  having  become  a  shiny  Pillar 
in  the  Presbyterian  Temple  and  one  of  the 
most  respected  Umbrella-Carriers  on  the 
Avenue,  he  felt  a  longing  to  beat  it  back  to 
the  home  Burg  and  exhibit  his  Virtues  to 

[125] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  members  of  the  I-Knew-Him-When 
Club. 

He  wanted  to  patronize  the  Friends  of 
his  Youth  and  note  the  Expressions  of 
Discomfiture  on  the  so-called  Faces  of 
Aunt  Lib  and  Uncle  Jethro,  both  of  whom 
had  told  around  that  he  was  a  Gnat  (Net) 
and  never  would  amount  to  a  Hill  of  Beans. 

Elmer  expected  to  find  the  same  spotted 
Dog  asleep  in  front  of  the  Commercial 
Hotel  and  the  same  Stick  Candy  exhibited 
in  the  Show  Windows. 

But,  while  he  had  been  witnessing  the 
downfall  of  Evil  in  the  busy  Metropolis, 
the  Home  Town  had  been  putting  on  a 
little  Side-Show  of  its  own. 

Along  at  the  gateway  of  the  20th  Cen 
tury,  every  undersized  Hamlet  shown  in 
the  Atlas  became  seized  with  a  Desire  to 
throw  on  City  Lugs. 

The  same  Father  who  had  marked  the 

[126] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

Talmage  Book  for  Elmer  became  Chair 
man  of  the  House  Committee  in  a  Club 
which  undertook  to  serve  anything  usually 
found  on  either  side  of  a  Cash  Register. 

Being  in  the  heart  of  the  Residence  Dis 
trict,  this  select  Organization  could  not 
obtain  a  regular  License. 

However,  having  the  moral  support  of 
the  Best  People,  it  maintained  a  Blind  Pig. 

The  combination  of  Blind  Pig,  two  play 
ful  Kitties  up-stairs,  and  a  lot  of  gay  Dogs 
spread  out  on  the  upholstered  Chairs,  cer 
tainly  proved  to  be  some  Menagerie. 

It  was  a  matter  of  Pride  with  the  Mem 
bers  that  the  Colored  Boy  could  shake  up 
anything  known  to  the  Regular  Trade  at 
the  Knickerbocker  or  the  Plaza. 

One  of  their  main  Delights,  also,  was  to 
welcome  the  Stranger,  who  thought  he  was 
sojourning  among  the  Rubes,  and  lead 
him  into  the  Roodle  Department,  the  pur- 

[127] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

pose  being  to  get  him  out  on  a  Limb  and 
then  saw  off  the  Limb. 

Poker  was  written  in  a  Small  Town.  The 
Hay-Mow  Graduate  with  a  limited  In 
come,  who  counts  up  every  Night  and  sets 
aside  so  much  for  Wheat  Cakes,  can  hold 
them  closer  to  his  Bosom  and  play  them 
tighter  than  any  Shark  that  ever  floated 
down  the  Mississippi. 

The  newcomer  who  tried  to  be  Liberal 
usually  went  home  in  his  Stocking  Feet. 

Day  by  Day  the  Progressive  Element  in 
the  Community  widened  its  Horizon,  and 
the  Country  Club  became  a  Necessity. 

The  9-hole  Course  was  laid  out  by  a 
Scotch  Professional,  and  every  Locker  con 
tained  something  besides  Clubs. 

When  the  Church  Bells  were  ding-dong 
ing  at  10  A.  M.  on  Sunday,  the  former 
Teacher  of  the  Bible  Class  and  the  back 
sliding  Basso  of  the  Choir  would  be  zig- 

[128] 


;  WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

zagging  around  the  Links,  the  Stake  being 
a  Ball  a  Hole. 

Elmer's  Father  became  a  Demon  with 
the  Irons  and  had  his  Name  engraved  on 
a  Consolation  Cup. 

Simultaneous  with  the  Golf  Epidemic,  a 
good  many  Families  that  could  not  afford 
Kitchen  Cabinets  began  to  glide  around  in 
red  Touring-Cars. 

Any  one  smelling  the  Blue  Smoke  along 
Main  Street  and  then  looking  both  ways 
before  dashing  across  to  the  Drug  Store  was 
compelled  to  admit  that  the  Jays  had 
awakened  from  their  Long  Sleep. 

Refined  Vawdyville  was  on  tap  daily, 
and  the  Children  of  those  who  were  only 
moderately  well-to-do  knew  all  the  latest 
improper  Songs. 

While  the  men  were  changing  from  Jump 
ers  to  Tuxedos,  the  Sisters  had  not  remained 
stationary. 

[129] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  Lap  Supper  was  formally  abolished 
soon  after  Puff  Sleeves  went  out. 

Girls  who  had  been  brought  up  on  Par- 
chesi  and  Muggins  would  sit  around  the 
Bridge  Table  all  afternoon,  trying  to  cop 
out  some  Lace  for  the  new  Party  Dress. 

An  imported  Professor  taught  the  Buds 
how  to  Tango  and  Trot. 

Within  a  week  after  a  new  one  had  hor 
rified  Newport,  the  Younger  Set  would 
have  it  down  pat  and  be  mopping  up  the 
floor  with  one  another. 

Of  course  they  were  denounced  by  the 
local  Ministers,  but  the  Guilty  Parties 
never  heard  the  Denunciations,  as  they 
were  out  Motoring  at  the  time. 

Whenever  there  was  a  Big  Session,  all 
Bridles  were  removed  and  the  Speed  Limit 
abolished. 

Riding  home  in  the  Livery  Hacks  about 
4  A.  M.,  the  Merry-Makers  would  be  all  in, 

[130] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

but  much  gratified  to  know  that  Vienna 
and  Paree  had  nothing  on  them  as  regards 
Rough  House. 

All  the  Elite  would  get  together  and  open  a 
Keg  of  Spikes  at  the  slightest  Provocation. 

It  was  remarkable  how  much  Dull  Care 
they  could  banish  in  one  Evening,  espe 
cially  if  they  got  an  Early  Start. 

The  Town  Pump  did  a  punk  Business, 
but  the  Side-Boards  blossomed  with  Fusel 
Oil  and  Fizzerine. 

Intense  Excitement  prevailed  when  word 
came  that  Elmer  was  En  Route.  Little 
Knots  of  People  could  be  seen  standing  on 
the  Corners,  framing  a  Schedule  of  En 
tertainment  which  involved  nearly  every 
thing  except  Sleep. 

They  said  to  themselves:  "It  is  up  to 
us  to  show  this  proud  Pill  from  the  City 
that  we  can  be  a  bit  Goey  when  the  Going 
is  right.  If  he  thinks  he  can  pull  any  new 

[131] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Wrinkles  on  the  Provincials,  he  is  entitled 
to  another  Think.  We  must  get  into  our 
Evening  Glads  early  this  Afternoon  and 
clear  the  Decks  for  a  Hard  Night." 

While  they  were  making  these  grim 
Preparations,  Elmer  was  doubled  up  in 
Section  8,  reading  a  sterilized  Magazine 
from  Boston.  Subconsciously  he  counted 
the  peaceful  Days  that  would  ensue. 

He  figured  on  going  back  to  the  dear  old 
Room  under  the  Eaves,  with  a  patch-work 
Quilt  on  the  Four-Poster  and  a  Steel  En 
graving  of  U.  S.  Grant  on  the  Wall. 

Having  devoted  many  Days  to  the  An 
nual  Report  of  the  Purity  Brigade,  he  was 
due  to  turn  in  at  9  o'clock  each  evening, 
while  recuperating  in  the  Country. 

The  sanctified  Product  of  the  new  and 
regenerative  Influences  at  work  in  every 
City  was  plunked  down  in  the  Hot-bed  of 
Gaiety  at  about  4  P.  M. 

[132] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

The  Comrades  of  his  Boyhood  were  massed 
on  the  Platform.  As  he  alighted,  they  sang, 
"Hail !  Hail !  the  gang's  All  Here ! "  and  so 
on  and  so  on. 

They  had  acquired  a  Running  Start.  It 
was  their  belief  that  Elmer  would  be  grati 
fied  to  know  that  all  the  Elect  had  become 
slightly  spiffed  in  his  Honor. 

They  sent  his  Stuff  up  to  the  House, 
crowded  Two- Weeks'  Cards  into  his  Pock 
ets,  and  bore  him  away  in  a  Town  Car  to 
the  Club,  where  Relays  were  waiting  to 
extend  Hospitality  to  the  returned  Exile 
until  he  was  Plastered. 

They  seemed  to  think  he  had  devoted 
the  years  of  his  Absence  to  building  up  a 
Thirst. 

Their  Dismay  was  genuine  when  he 
timidly  informed  the  Irrigation  Committee 
that  he  desired  Vichy. 

They  told  him  he  was  a  Celluloid  Sport 

[133] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

and  that  his  refusal  to  Libate  was  little 
short  of  an  Affront. 

Escaping  from  the  Comanches,  he  hur 
ried  to  the  Old  Homestead  to  sit  by  the 
Grate  Fire  and  tease  the  Cat. 

He  found  Pa  and  Ma  dolled  up  like  a 
couple  of  aristocratic  Equines,  much  Awn 
ing  over  the  Front  Stoop,  and  strange 
Waiters  hot-footing  through  the  Hallways. 

In  order  to  make  it  seem  as  much  like 
the  City  as  possible,  they  had  ribbed  up  a 
swell  combination  Gorge  and  Deluge,  to 
be  followed  by  an  Indoor  Circus,  a  Car 
nival  of  Terpsichorean  Eccentricities,  and 
a  correct  Reproduction  of  Monte  Carlo  at 
the  height  of  the  Season. 

Therefore,  when  their  Only  Child  sug 
gested  that  he  would  fain  hie  to  the  Husks 
at  a  Reasonable  Hour,  they  told  him  that 
Slumber  was  made  for  Slaves  and  to  take 
his  Feet  out  of  his  Lap  and  move  around. 

[134] 


WANDERING  BOY  AND  WAYWARD  PARENT 

Having  led  a  sheltered  Life  among  the 
devotees  of  Jane  Addams  and  Jacob  Riis, 
he  was  dazed  and  horrified  to  find  himself 
suddenly  subjected  to  the  demoralizing  In 
fluences  of  the  Small  Town. 

They  scoffed  at  him  when  he  said  that 
his  regular  twilight  Repast  was  a  saucer  of 
granose  Flakes,  a  mere  sliver  of  White  Meat, 
and  some  diluted  Milk. 

His  home  was  near  the  White  Light  Dis 
trict,  and  they  just  knew  that  he  was^ac- 
customed  to  bathe  in  the  Bubbles. 

He  sat  back  benumbed  for  many  hours 
watching  the  wicked  Rustics  perform. 

He  had  read  about  such  things  in  the 
reports  of  the  Commission,  but  this  was  the 
first  time  that  he  had  ever  really  been 
Slumming. 

When  he  weakened  on  the  Bumper  Propo* 
sition  and  disavowed  any  familiarity  with 
the  Texas  Tommy  spasm  or  the  fine  points 

[135] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

of  Auction,  the  sophisticated  ones  ex 
changed  significant  Glances. 

They  tumbled  to  the  Fact  that  Elmer 
was  not  such  a  much,  even  if  he  did  reside 
at  Headquarters.  It  was  evident  that  he 
had  not  been  travelling  with  the  Real  Raz- 
mataz  Rompers. 

He  was  panned  to  a  Whisper  next  day. 
The  Verdict  was  in.  Elmer  was  branded 
as  a  Dead  One. 

He  is  now  in  the  crowded  City,  trying  to 
arrange  to  have  his  rowdy  Parents  come  on 
and  take  the  Cure. 

MORAL:  Those  having  the  most  Time 
to  devote  to  a  Line  of  Endeavor  usually  be 
come  the  most  Proficient. 


[136 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  WHAT  TRANS 
PIRES  AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

ONCE  upon  a  time  Ferdinand  breathed 
right  into  Adele's  translucent  Listener  those 
three  Words  which  hold  all  Records  as 
monosyllabic  Trouble-Makers . 

They  have  a  harmless  look  on  the  Printed 
Page,  but  when  pulled  at  the  Psychological 
turn  of  the  Road,  they  become  the  Funeral 
Knell  of  Bachelor  Freedom  and  a  Prelude 
to  cutting  the  String  on  whatever  has  been 
put  by. 

The  Serpent,  operating  in  the  guise  of 
a  Lover  in  a  Serge  Suit,  had  lured,  cajoled, 
wheedled,  and  finessed  until  the  poor 
trembling  Child,  only  twenty-four  years  of 
Age,  was  alone  with  him  in  what  the  Land- 

[137] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

scaper  had  worked  off  on  her  Papa  as  a 
Formal  Garden. 

They  stood  clinched  there  in  the  dull 
Sunset  Glow,  with  a  Pergola  for  a  Back 
ground.  It  was  all  very  Belasco  and  in 
strict  compliance  with  the  League  Rules 
laid  down  by  W.  Somerset  Maugham. 

According  to  the  $2  Drama  and  every 
bright  red  Volume  selling  for  $1.18  at  a 
Department  Store,  this  was  — 

THE  END 

The  Curtain  began  to  descend  very  slowly, 
with  Ferdinand  and  Adele  holding  the 
Picture. 

It  seems,  however,  that  they  had  not 
come  to  the  real,  sure-enough  Finis.  The 
Terminus  was  some  distance  down  the  Line. 

The  Curtain  refused  to  fall. 

"What  is  the  idea?"  asked  Adele,  some 
what  perturbed.  "We  have  hit  the  log 
ical  Climax  of  our  Romance.  As  I  under- 

[138] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

stand  it,  we  are  now  supposed  to  ascend  in 
a  Cloud  and  float  through  Ethereal  Bliss 
for  an  indefinite  Period. 

"Right-o!"  said  Fiance.  "According  to 
all  the  approved  Dope,  we  are  booked  to 
live  happily  ever  after." 

Just  then  Her  Best  Friend  came  rapidly 
down  the  Gravel  Walk  with  Anxiety  sten 
ciled  on  her  Features. 

The  accepted  Swain  seemed  to  hear  a 
low  rumbling  Wagnerian  Effect  from  out 
the  Clear  Sky.  In  Music-Drama  it  is 
known  as  the  Hammer  Theme. 

It  is  included  in  the  Curriculum  at  every 
Fern  Sem. 

Ferdinand  had  a  Hunch  that  somebody 
was  getting  ready  to  drop  Cyanide  of  Po 
tassium  into  his  Cup  of  Joy. 

"Oh,  Adele!"  said  the  Friend,  just  like 
that.  "Oh,  Adele,  may  I  speak  to  you  for 
aMo-munt?" 

[139] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Ferdinand  made  his  Exit,  much  peeved, 
and  the  Friend  expressed  a  Hope  that  she 
had  arrived  in  time  to  throw  the  Switch  and 
avert  the  Wrecking  of  a  Life. 

Far  be  it  from  her  to  Snitch,  but  it  was 
her  Duty  to  put  Adele  wise  to  what  every 
one  was  whispering  Under  Cover. 

She  had  no  absolute  Proof  that  he  had 
carried  on  with  a  Front  Row  Floss  in  New 
Haven,  but  it  was  Common  Talk  that  one 
of  his  Uncles  had  been  a  Regular  at  a  Re 
treat  where  the  Doctor  shoots  a  Precious 
Metal  into  the  Arm. 

It  would  be  terrible  to  marry  someone 
and  then  find  out  that  he  Drank,  the  same 
as  all  the  other  Married  Men. 

Leaving  Adele  in  a  Deep  Swoon,  the  true 
Friend  hurried  to  the  nearest  Public  'Phone 
to  spread  the  dismal  Tidings. 

In  the  meantime  the  elated  Lover  had 
loped  all  the  way  to  the  University  Club 

[140] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

to  spring  it  on  the  Navajos  and  receive 
their  Felicitations. 

His  Rapture  had  rendered  him  fairly 
incoherent,  and  he  was  gurgling  like  an 
after-dinner  Percolator;  but  he  finally  made 
it  evident  that  he  had  been  Hooked. 

A  deep  Silence  ensued,  most  of  those 
present  looking  out  the  Window  at  the 
passing  Traffic. 

Finally  a  Shell-Back,  who  had  been 
leading  a  Life  of  Single  Torment  ever 
since  Sumter  was  fired  upon,  asked  in  a 
sepulchral  Tone  and  without  looking  up 
from  his  Hand,  "Has  the  Date  been 
set?" 

Ferdinand  tried  to  tell  them  that  he  was 
going  to  the  Altar  and  not  to  the  Electric 
Chair,  but  he  couldn't  get  a  single  Slap  on 
the  Back. 

The  only  one  evincing  Interest  was  a 
He-Hen  named  Herbert,  who  took  him  into 

[141] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  Cloak-Room  to  plant  a  few  Canadian 
Thistles  in  the  Garden  of  Love. 

Herb  said  he  had  always  liked  the  Girl, 
even  if  she  had  given  a  couple  of  his  Best 
Pals  the  Whillykathrow. 

His  Advice  was  to  up  and  marry  her  be 
fore  she  had  time  to  pull  one  of  her  tem 
peramental  Stunts  and  hand  out  the  Rinka- 
boo. 

Possibly  if  she  could  be  weaned  away  from 
her  eccentric  Relations  and  governed  with 
a  Firm  Hand  she  would  turn  out  O.  K. 

Still,  it  was  a  tall  Gamble.  Under  the 
Circumstances,  he  didn't  see  that  there 
was  anything  for  Ferdinand  to  do  except 
mop  up  a  few  Drinks  and  hope  for  the  Best. 

When  Ferdy  looked  at  himself  in  the 
Mirror  at  Midnight,  he  didn't  know  whether 
he  was  Engaged  or  merely  operating  under 
a  Suspended  Sentence. 

Next  morning  he  had  to  bare  his  Soul  to 

[142] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

the  Head  of  the  Firm.  This  revered  Fluff 
should  have  been  known  as  Mr.  Yes-But. 

He  was  strong  for  the  Married  State, 
but  it  was  highly  advisable  to  have  the  Girl 
analyzed  by  a  Chemist  and  passed  upon  by 
a  Board  of  Experts  before  a  Bid  was  sub 
mitted. 

The  Sunflower  Paths  of  Dalliance  were 
leading  mostly  to  Reno,  Nevada,  and  the 
Article  commonly  known  as  Love  was 
merely  a  disinclination  to  continue  eating 
Breakfast  alone. 

He  said  a  Good  Woman  was  a  Jewel,  but 
if  one  of  them  got  a  fair  Run  and  Jump  at 
a  Check-Book  she  could  put  the  National 
City  Bank  on  the  Hummer. 

Probably  it  was  all  right  to  go  ahead,  and 
take  the  High  Hurdle,  but  the  Percentage 
was  against  the  Candidate,  and  the  Cost 
of  Living  was  never  so  altitudinous. 

Ferdinand  retired  from  the  Royal  Pres- 

[143] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ence  feeling  that  he  had  been  duly  author 
ized  to  walk  a  Tight  Rope  over  Niagara 
Falls. 

As  soon  as  the  Bride-Elect  had  taken 
enough  Headache  Powders  to  prepare  her 
for  the  Ordeal,  she  sent  for  the  Suspect  to 
come  up  to  the  House  and  outline  his 
Defense. 

They  put  in  a  humid  Evening.  When 
the  falling  Tears  had  made  the  Drawing- 
Room  too  soppy  for  further  use,  they  moved 
into  the  Hallway  and  he  continued  to  think 
up  Alibis. 

At  11  P.  M.  he  had  explained  Every 
thing,  repudiated  many  lifelong  Friend 
ships,  deodorized  his  College  Career,  flouted 
the  Demon  Rum,  and  resigned  from  all 
Clubs. 

The  Birds  were  singing  up  and  down  the 
Main  Stairway  and  Grandfather's  Clock 
played  nothing  but  Mendelssohn. 

[144] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

She  lay  damply  pillowed  on  his  Bosom. 
He  was  intensely  relieved  and  yet  vaguely 
conscious  of  the  Fact  that  she  had  beat  him 
to  it.  There  had  been  a  General  Settle 
ment,  and  he  had  figured  merely  as  Supreme 
Goat. 

In  his  anxiety  to  get  the  Kinks  out  of  his 
own  Record  he  had  failed  to  hold  her  up 
for  anything  except  a  Pardon. 

Before  terminating  the  Peace  Confer 
ence,  it  was  suggested  that  inasmuch  as 
every  one  else  in  the  World  had  been  noti 
fied,  probably  it  would  be  just  as  well  to 
let  her  Male  Parent  in  on  the  Secret.  Not 
that  Father  is  regarded  as  a  Principal  in 
the  up-to-date  Household.  Still,  he  is  use 
ful  as  a  Super. 

The  old  Gentleman  was  so  soft  that  he 
nearly  tipped  his  Hand.  He  gave  Fer 
dinand  a  regular  Cigar  and  then  stalled 
for  about  30  Seconds  before  indicating 

[145] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

a  Willingness  to  sign  any  form  of  Con 
tract. 

He  pulled  the  Old  One  to  the  effect  that 
the  House  would  not  seem  the  same  after 
Addie  had  gone  away,  meaning  that  Break 
fast  would  be  served  in  the  Morning  and 
the  Night  Shift  abolished. 

When  Ferdinand  got  back  to  his  Room 
and  counted  up,  he  had  to  admit  that 
Father  was  the  only  Outsider  who  seemed 
to  be  plugging  for  the  Alliance. 

But  all  petty  Suspicions  and  unworthy 
Doubts  flickered  and  disappeared  when 
Nightfall  came  and  Queenie  was  once  more 
cuddled  within  the  strong  right  Fin,  nam 
ing  over  some  of  the  Men  that  he  mustn't 
speak  to  any  more. 

The  course  of  True  Love  ran  smooth  for 
a  couple  of  Days,  and  then  came  a  letter 
from  his  People,  expressing  the  hope  that 
he  had  picked  out  a  devout  Unitarian. 

[146] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

Otherwise  the  Progeny  would  start  off  under 
a  terrible  Handicap. 

He  knew  that  Adele  favored  the  Suffrage 
Thing  and  that  she  had  read  a  Book  on  how 
to  recover  from  a  Dance  by  lying  down  and 
giving  a  Recitation,  but  he  never  had  sus 
pected  her  of  any  real  Religious  Scruples. 

Before  he  could  tell  her  how  the  Little 
Ones  had  been  predestined,  she  notified  him 
that  her  kinsmen  had  been  peering  into 
the  Future  and  that  all  the  problematical 
Offspring  had  been  put  on  the  Waiting 
List  at  the  First  Baptist  Church. 

Here  \vas  a  grand  Opening  for  Ferdinand. 
He  resolved  to  make  a  Stand  and  issue  a 
ringing  Ultimatum.  He  might  as  well  tip 
it  off  to  her  and  the  whole  Tribe  that  he 
was  to  be  Caesar  in  his  own  Shack. 

So  he  went  up  to  her  House  ready  to  die 
in  the  last  Ditch  rather  than  yield  to  the 
advocates  of  Immersion.  After  viewing 

[147] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  Problem  in  all  its  Aspects,  he  and  Honey 
compromised  by  deciding  that  the  Bairns 
were  to  be  orthodox  Baptists. 

Having  sponged  every  Blot  from  the 
Escutcheon  and  laid  out  the  Labels  for  all 
Generations  yet  unborn,  the  incipient  Ben 
edick  thought  there  would  be  nothing  more 
to  it  except  Holding  Hands  and  watching 
the  Calendar. 

Just  then  a  Dress-Maker  swooped  down 
and  stole  away  the  Light  of  his  Life. 

Every  time  he  went  up  to  scratch  on  the 
Door  and  beg  for  a  Kiss,  a  Strange  Lady 
with  Pins  in  her  Mouth  would  come  out 
and  shoo  him  away,  explaining  that  the 
Pearl  of  Womanhood  was  laid  out  in  the 
Operating  Room,  being  measured  for  some 
thing  additional. 

Occasionally  he  saw  her,  at  one  of  the 
many  Dinners  decreed  by  Custom.  They 
had  to  sit  Miles  apart,  with  Mountains  of 

[148] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

unseemly  Victuals  stacked  between  them, 
while  some  moss-grown  Offshoot  of  the 
Family  Tree  rose  and  conquered  his  Asthma 
long  enough  to  propose  a  Toast  to  the  Bride. 

What  they  really  craved  was  a  Dim  Cor 
ner  and  a  box  of  Candied  Cherries. 

The  only  Speeches  they  wished  to  hear 
could  have  been  constructed  out  of  the  40 
words  of  standard  Baby  Talk,  comprising 
what  is  known  as  the  Mush  Vocabulary. 

Yet  they  had  to  muster  the  same  old 
property  Smile  every  time  that  Charley 
Bromide  or  old  Mr.  Platitude  lifted  a  shell 
of  sparkling  Vinegar  and  fervently  ex 
claimed,  "Thuh  Bride!" 

Even  after  the  Menu  had  been  wrecked 
and  the  satiated  Revelers  had  laboriously 
pried  themselves  away  from  the  decorated 
Board,  there  was  no  escape. 

The  Women  Folks  led  Adele  away  to 
some  remote  Apartment  to  sound  a  Few 

[1491 


ADE'S    FABLES 

• 

Warnings,  while  the  Men  sat  around  in  the 
Blue  Smoke  and  joshed  Ferdinand  to  a 
fare-ye-well. 

Each  morning  he  found  in  his  Mail  a  few 
Sealed  Orders  from  Headquarters  and  about 
as  many  Stage  Directions  as  would  be  re 
quired  for  putting  on  the  Annual  Show  at 
the  Hippodrome. 

When  he  was  not  begging  some  one  to 
come  and  Ush  for  him,  he  was  either  check 
ing  over  the  Glove  List  with  a  terrified  Best 
Man  or  getting  measured  for  a  full  layout 
of  dark  Livery  that  made  him  look  like  a 
refined  Floor- Walker. 

It  seemed  that  Adele  had  a  Step-Mother 
who  had  been  crouched  for  Years  waiting 
for  a  chance  to  bust  into  the  Papers. 
Nothing  would  do  her  but  a  regular  Mad 
ison  Square  Phantasmagoria,  with  two 
Rings  and  an  elevated  Platform. 

She  wanted  Ribbons  down  the  Aisle  and 

[150] 


AFTER  THE  WIND-UP 

little  Girls  sprinkling  Posies,  a  Concert 
Orchestra  buried  under  the  Palms,  and  a 
few  extra  Ministers  of  the  Gospel  just  to 
dress  the  Pulpit. 

Every  superfluous  Accessory  devised  by 
the  Nerve  Specialist  and  approved  by  the 
Court  of  Bankruptcy  was  woven  into  the 
Nuptial  Circus  when  Ferdinand  and  Adele 
were  made  one  and  Unhookable. 

The  Rehearsals  somewhat  resembled  the 
Moving  Pictures  of  the  Durbar  at  Delhi. 

As  a  final  Preparation  for  the  Stupendous 
Pageant,  the  Groom  sat  up  all  night  in  the 
Dipsomania  Club,  wratching  the  Head-Liners 
of  the  Blue  Book  demolish  Glassware. 

According  to  the  dictates  of  Fashion, 
one  who  is  about  to  assume  the  solemn 
Responsibilities  of  Matrimony  should  ab 
stain  from  Slumber  for  a  week,  devoting 
the  time  thus  saved  to  a  full  consideration 
of  Food  and  Drink. 

[151] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  Ambulance  bore  his  Remains  to 
the  Church.  A  few  faithful  Hang-Overs 
lifted  him  through  the  Portals,  with  his 
Toes  dragging  somewhat  in  the  Rear. 

They  propped  him  against  a  Pilaster  and 
told  him  his  Name  and  begged  him  not  to 
weaken,  no  matter  what  the  Preacher  might 
put  up  to  him. 

Soon  after  he  saw  a  Haggard  Creature 
all  fluffed  about  with  White  advancing 
unsteadily  toward  him.  With  the  Make- 
Up,  she  did  not  look  a  Day  over  47. 

He  did  not  hear  any  of  the  Service,  but 
those  who  were  more  fortunate  told  him 
afterward  that  it  was  a  very  Pretty  Wed 
ding,  and  that  the  Presents  they  got  were 
Simply  Great. 

MORAL:  Too  many  Trained  Nurses 
discommode  Cupid. 


152] 


Nearly  every  evening  the  Tradesman  would 
back  up  to  the  Student  Lamp  and  put  in  a  deliri 
ous  half -hour  with  the  Views 


THE  DREAM  THAT  CAME  OUT 
WITH  MUCH  TO  BOOT 

ONCE  there  was  a  provincial  Tradesman 
who  gave  his  Yokemate  a  Christmas  Pres 
ent.  It  was  a  kind  of  Dingus  formerly 
exhibited  on  the  What-Not  in  almost  every 
polite  Home. 

By  peering  through  at  the  twin  Pho 
tographs  and  working  it  like  a  Slide  Trom 
bone,  one  could  get  ravishing  glimpses  of 
Trafalgar  Square,  Lake  Como,  and  the 
Birthplace  of  Bobby  Burns. 

Nearly  every  evening  the  Tradesman 
would  back  up  to  the  Student  Lamp  and 
put  in  a  delirious  half -hour  with  the  Views. 

While  gazing  up  the  Rue  de  Rivoli  or 
across  the  rice  paddies  at  the  snowy  cap 

[155] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

of  Fuji,  his  Blood  would  become  het  by  the 
old  boyhood  Desire  to  sail  across  the  Blue 
to  Foreign  Parts. 

Those  who  saw  him  mowing  the  Lawn 
little  suspected  that  he  was  being  inwardly 
eaten  by  the  Wanderlust. 

The  Tradesman,  Edwin  by  name,  and 
his  Managing  Director,  Selena,  formed  the 
magic-lantern  Habit  away  back  in  the 
days  of  Stoddard.  They  never  missed  a 
chance  to  take  in  Burton  Holmes.  Sitting 
in  the  darkness,  they  would  hold  hands  and 
simply  eat  those  Colored  Slides. 

Selena  belonged  to  a  Club  that  was  try 
ing  to  get  a  side-hold  on  the  Art  and  Archi 
tecture  of  the  Old  World.  She  had  a 
smouldering  Ambition  to  ride  a  Camel  in 
the  Orient  and  then  come  home  and  put 
it  all  over  a  certain  proud  Hen  who  had 
spent  six  weeks  in  Europe. 

One  visit  to  Niagara  Falls  and  a  glorious 

[156] 


THE  DREAM 

week  of  Saengerfest  at  Cincinnati  had  sim 
ply  whetted  her  desire  to  take  Edwin  by 
the  hand  and  beat  it  all  the  way  around 
the  Globe,  via  Singapore.  To  prepare  her 
self  for  the  Grand  Tour,  she  took  12  les 
sons  in  French  and  read  up  on  the  Taj 
Mahal. 

She  had  to  wait  patiently  until  Edwin 
was  threatened  with  a  Nervous  Break- 
Down.  At  last  the  Happy  Day  arrived 
when  the  Specialist  told  him  he  must  make 
his  choice  between  a  long  Sea  Voyage  and 
a  slow  ride  to  the  Family  Lot. 

Selena  used  Hydraulic  Pressure  in  pack 
ing  her  Wardrobe  Trunks.  She  took  all 
her  circus  Duds  and  a  slew  of  Hats  so  that 
she  could  make  the  proper  Front,  while 
being  entertained  Abroad. 

Edwin  had  secured  a  Passport  which 
identified  him  as  a  male  white  Person,  en 
titled  to  all  the  Courtesies  and  Privileges 

[157] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

usually  extended  to  an  American  Citizen 
holding  a  Passport. 

They  were  on  the  verge  of  the  Jumps 
when  they  boarded  the  Train,  but  they 
hoped  to  Relax  and  get  a  lot  of  Sleep  on  the 
Ocean  Greyhound. 

A  few  days  later  they  were  curled  up 
in  a  Cabin  de  Luxe  about  the  size  of  a 
Telephone  Booth,  waiting  for  the  Ocean 
Greyhound  to  recover  from  an  attack  of 
Hydrophobia. 

When  they  tottered  down  the  Gang- 
Plank,  after  six  days  on  the  playful  North 
Atlantic,  their  only  Comfort  was  derived 
from  the  knowledge  that,  as  soon  as  they 
had  rested  up,  they  could  write  home  and 
quote  the  Second  Officer  as  saying  it  was 
the  roughest  Passage  he  had  ever  Known. 

After  spending  a  few  days  in  London, 
trying  to  get  warm,  they  moved  on  to 
Paris,  which  they  remembered  long  after- 

[158] 


THE  DREAM 

ward  on  account  of  Napoleon's  Tomb  and 
the  price  of  Strawberries. 

Selena  pulled  her  tall-grass  French  on  a 
Hackman,  but  there  was  nothing  doing. 
He  had  taken  it  from  a  different  Teacher. 

So  they  employed  a  Guide  who  knew  all 
the  Shops.  If  Selena  happened  to  admire 
a  Trinket  or  some  outre  Confection  with 
Lace  slathered  on  it,  a  perfumed  Apache 
in  a  Frock  Coat  would  take  Edwin  into  a 
side  room,  give  him  the  sleeve  across  the 
Wind-Pipe,  and  bite  a  piece  out  of  his  Let 
ter  of  Credit. 

Edwin  did  a  little  quick  work  with  the 
Pencil  and  said  they  could  either  hurry  on 
or  else  hie  back  to  the  Home  Town  and  be 
gin  Life  all  over  again. 

Three  weeks  after  saying  good-bye  to 
Griddle  Cakes  they  were  in  Naples,  which 
they  had  seen  pictured  on  so  many  Calen 
dars. 

[159] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Looking  back  across  the  Centuries  they 
recalled  the  Clerks  standing  in  the  Door 
ways  and  the  friends  of  the  Progressive 
Euchre  Club.  It  was  sweet  to  remember 
that  the  world  was  not  made  up  entirely 
of  cadging  Head  Waiters. 

Once  in  a  while  they  would  venture  from 
the  Hotel  to  run  footraces  with  the  yelping 
Lazzaroni  or  try  to  look  at  Vesuve  without 
paying  seven  or  eight  members  of  the  Ca- 
morra  for  the  Privilege. 

After  being  chased  back  into  the  Hotel, 
they  would  sit  down  and  address  Post- 
Cards  by  the  Hour,  telling  how  much  they 
were  enjoying  the  stay  in  Napoli,  home  of 
Song  and  Laughter. 

Their  only  chance  of  catching  even  on  the 
Imperial  Suite  at  $9  a  Day  was  to  make 
the  Folks  back  at  the  Whistling  Post  think 
they  were  playing  Guitars  and  dancing  the 
Tarantella,  whatever  that  is. 

[160] 


THE  DREAM 

Next  we  see  them  in  Egypt,  still  address 
ing  Post-Cards,  and  offering  anything  with 
in  Reason  for  a  good  Cup  of  Coffee. 

Somehow,  sitting  in  the  dusky  Tombs 
didn't  seem  to  help  their  Nostalgia. 

Not  that  they  would  own  up  to  being 
Home-Sick.  No,  indeed !  They  kept  writ 
ing  back  that  they  enjoyed  every  Minute 
spent  among  the  Cemeteries  and  Ruins,  or 
sailing  up  the  Nile,  and  Edwin  was  holding 
up  wonderfully,  for  an  Invalid. 

Only,  when  either  of  them  spoke  of  the 
Children,  or  Corned-Beef  Hash,  or  the 
Canary,  a  long  Silence  would  ensue,  and 
then  the  Nervous  Wreck  would  cheer  her 
by  computing  that  they  would  be  in  God's 
Country  within  four  months,  if  they  es 
caped  Shipwreck,  Sunstroke,  and  Bubonic 
Plague. 

While  parboiling  themselves  down  the 
Red  Sea  it  began  to  soak  in  on  them  that, 

[1611 


ADE'S  FABLES 

east  of  Suez,  the  Yank  has  about  as  much 
standing  as  the  Ten  Commandments. 

They  could  have  endured  sleeping  in  a 
Trough  and  bathing  with  a  damp  Towel 
and  eating  Food  kept  over  from  the  year 
before,  if  their  Fellow  Voyagers  had  made 
a  slight  fuss  over  them  or  evinced  some  in 
terest  in  the  wonders  of  North  America. 

The  Congressman  at  home  had  assured 
them,  on  numerous  occasions,  that  Colum 
bia  was  the  Jim  of  the  Ocean  and  the 
most  upholstered  portion  of  the  entire  Foot- 
Stool. 

Consequently,  it  was  somewhat  discon 
certing  to  meet  British  Subjects  who  never 
had  heard  of  Quincy,  Illinois,  and  who 
moved  their  Deck  Chairs  every  time  they 
were  given  a  chance  to  hear  about  it. 

Back  in  the  Middle  West,  Edwin  and 
Selena  had  been  Mountains  arising  from 
the  Plain.  At  all  points  beyond  Green- 

[162] 


THE  DREAM 

wich,  they  were  simply  two  unconsidered 
fragments  of  Foreign  Substance. 

The  Passport  did  not  seem  to  get  them 
anything.  While  being  walked  upon  by 
the  haughty  Tea-Drinkers  they  could  not 
claim  the  protection  of  the  American  Flag, 
because  they  didn't  see  the  Starry  Banner 
after  leaving  New  York,  except  in  front  of 
a  Fake  Auction  Sale,  arranged  especially 
for  Tourists. 

By  the  time  they  found  themselves  in 
that  vast  bake-oven  known  as  India  they 
were  benumbed  and  submissive  and  had 
settled  into  a  Routine. 

They  would  arrive  in  a  New  Town,  fly 
to  the  Hotel,  unpack,  go  out  and  buy  their 
colored  Post-Cards,  come  back  to  the  Dump 
(usually  called  the  Grand  Hotel  Victoria), 
address  Cards  to  all  the  Names  on  the  list, 
then  pack  up,  pay  the  Overcharges,  and 
ride  to  the  Railway  Station,  accompanied 

[163] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

by  a  small  regiment  of  Bashi-Bazouks  who 
were  looking  for  Theirs. 

The  sight  of  a  Temple  threw  Edwin  into 
a  Relapse,  but  he  would  have  given  $8,000 
for  one  look  at  the  galvanized  Cornice  of 
the  Court  House. 

Selena  was  still  buying  Souvenirs,  but 
doing  it  mechanically,  as  if  in  a  Trance. 

They  had  been  stung  with  so  many  Ori 
ental  Phoneys  and  stuck  *up  so  often  that 
they  had  gone  Yellow  and  lost  their  Nerve. 

When  they  saw  an  outstretched  Palm, 
they  came  across  without  a  Whimper. 

Cousin  Ella,  back  among  the  Corn  Fields, 
pictured  them  as  riding  a  caparisoned  Ele 
phant  up  to  the  marble  Palace  of  the  Gaek- 
war  of  Baroda,  where  Edwin  would  flash 
his  Passport  and  then  the  distinguished 
Guests  would  be  salaamed  to  the  Peacock 
Throne. 

Nothing  like  it.     They  were  led  up  to 

[164] 


THE  DREAM 

highly  odorous  Bazaars  conducted  by  lineal 
Descendants  of  the  40  Thieves. 

Often,  while  riding  in  the  dusty  Cattle 
Cars  and  looking  out  at  the  parched  Plains, 
they  would  think  of  the  shaded  Front 
Porch,  only  5  minutes  from  Barclay's  Drug 
Store,  where  they  sold  the  Ice  Cream  Soda. 
Moaning  feebly,  they  would  return  to  the 
italicized  Guide  Book. 

The  Chow  consisted  largely  of  Curry  and 
Rice,  the  medicinal  flavor  of  which  was 
further  accentuated  by  Butter  brought  in 
Tins  all  the  way  from  Sweden. 

Although  the  Heat  was  intense,  they 
found  occasional  Relief  in  sitting  next  the 
Britons  and  getting  a  few  Zephyrs  direct 
from  the  Ice-Box. 

Each  day  they  would  purchase  a  News 
paper  about  the  size  of  a  Bed-Spread  and 
search  eagerly  for  American  News.  Once 
in  a  while  they  would  learn  that  Congress 

[165] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

had  met  or  another  Colored  Person  had 
been  burned  at  the  Stake.  It  cheered  them 
immensely  to  know  that  the  Land  of  the 
Free  was  still  squirming. 

At  Rangoon  they  met  a  weary  Country 
man  headed  in  the  opposite  direction.  He 
was  a  hard-faced  Customer  who  was  fight 
ing  the  Climate  with  Gin  and  Bitters,  but 
they  fell  upon  him  and  wanted  to  Kiss  him 
when  they  learned  that  he  had  once  met 
Selena's  Uncle  at  Colorado  Springs. 

They  told  him  how  to  save  time  in  getting 
across  India,  and  he  gave  them  a  list  of 
Places  in  China  and  Japan  that  might  be 
dodged  to  advantage. 

Year  after  year  in  the  months  of  March 
and  April  they  continued  on  their  tedious 
Way  through  the  burning  Tropics. 

Sometimes  they  came  to  a  discouraged 
belief  that  the  World  was  one  bluey  ex 
panse,  disturbed  by  Flying  Fish. 

[166] 


THE  DREAM 

Then  they  would  spend  weary  Ages  along 
the  avenues  of  white  Lime-Kilns,  looking  at 
Countless  millions  of  hungry  Brunettes  in 
fluttering  Nighties. 

Their  principal  Occupation,  when  not 
setting  down  Expressions  of  Delight  on 
the  Post-Cards,  was  to  study  Time-Tables 
and  cable  ahead  for  Reservations. 

The  Invalid's  one  desire  was  to  get  home 
and  take  a  regular  Bath  before  being  laid  out. 

Hong  Kong  pleased  them  exceedingly 
because  they  learned,  by  consulting  Mr. 
Mercator's  Projection,  that  they  were  on 
the  Home  Stretch  and,  with  Luck  in  their 
favor,  might  live  to  see  another  Piece  of 
Huckleberry  Pie. 

Japan  they  liked  the  best  of  all.  At 
Yokohama  they  received  a  bundle  of  Dailies 
only  six  weeks  old,  giving  full  Particulars 
of  a  Wedding  and  telling  who  was  about  to 
run  for  Mayor. 

[167] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

As  soon  as  they  were  on  the  Pacific  and 
headed  for  a  refined  Vaudeville  Show,  they 
began  to  recover  the  brave  Spirit  of  Travel 
and  blow  about  what  they  had  seen. 

The  Towns  and  Temples  and  Tombs  and 
Treasures  of  Art  were  all  jumbled  together, 
but,  by  daily  reference  to  Baedeker  and 
Murray,  they  were  enabled  to  find  out 
where  they  had  been  and  what  they  had 
seen  with  their  own  Eyes  and  how  it  im 
pressed  them  at  the  time. 

Before  touching  at  Honolulu  they  were 
real  enthusiastic  about  India.  They  ad 
vised  the  awe-stricken  Listener  who  had 
not  been  all  the  Way  around  to  be  sure  and 
take  in  Penang  and  Johore  and,  if  neces 
sary,  they  would  give  him  Letters  of  In 
troduction. 

They  said  it  had  been  a  Wonderful  Ex 
perience.  Yes,  indeed.  And  broadening. 
Very.  Then  Edwin  would  wander  to  the 

[168] 


THE  DREAM 

front  end  of  the  Ship  and  want  to  climb  out 
on  the  Bowsprit  so  as  to  be  in  Frisco  ahead 
of  anybody  else. 

He  convalesced  rapidly  as  they  approached 
the  Golden  Gate,  for  he  knew  that  in  a 
few  days  he  would  unpack  for  good  and 
gallop  down  to  the  office  and  not  have  to 
worry  about  Travelling. 

The  only  Dark  Cloud  on  the  Shore  hung 
above  the  Custom  House.  They  looked 
at  all  the  Junk  wished  upon  them  by  the 
simple  Children  of  the  Far  East  and  didn't 
know  whether  to  declare  it  for  what  it  cost 
or  what  it  was  really  worth. 

Being  conscientious  Members  of  the 
Church,  they  modified  their  Perjury  and 
smuggled  only  the  usual  amount  of  Carv 
ings  and  hand-embroidered  Stuff. 

Two  hours  after  landing,  Edwin  saw  a 
Porter-House  Steak  and  burst  into  tears. 

They  sped  eastward  by  the  first  Train, 

[169] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

still  busy  with  the  little  Red  Books,  for 
they  knew  they  would  have  to  answer  a 
lot  of  Questions. 

"  Shall  we  own  up  and  tell  them  the  Aw 
ful  Truth?  "  asked  Selena. 

"Not  on  your  Esoteric  Buddhism,"  re 
plied  Edwin.  "We  never  will  be  rewarded 
for  our  Sufferings  unless  we  convince  the 
Neighbors  that  we  had  a  run  for  our  Money. 
It  was  a  troubled  Nightmare,  in  Spots, 
but  when  I  lecture  in  the  Church  Parlor  I 
am  going  to  burn  Joss  Sticks  and  pull  every 
variety  of  Bunk  made  famous  by  Sir  Ed 
win  Arnold  and  Lafcadio  Hearn." 

On  the  following  Tuesday,  Selena  ap 
peared  at  the  Club  with  her  Mandarin 
Coat  and  the  long  Hindoo  Ear-Rings.  She 
had  them  frozen  in  their  Chairs. 

MORAL:  Be  it  ever  so  Hard  to  Take, 
there  is  no  Place  like  away  from  Home. 

[170] 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  TOILSOME 

ASCENT  AND  THE  SHINING 

TABLE-LAND 

ONCE  upon  a  time,  out  in  the  Rubber 
Boot  Reservation,  the  Stork  came  stagger 
ing  up  to  a  Frame  Dwelling  with  a  hefty 
Infant.  The  arrival  was  under  the  Zodi 
acal  Sign  of  Taurus,  the  Bull.  Every  Omen 
was  propitious. 

When  the  Gallery  was  admitted,  on  the 
third  day,  the  gaping  Spectators  observed 
that  the  Youngun  had  an  open  Counte 
nance,  somewhat  like  a  Channel  Cat,  a  full 
head  of  Hair  bushing  at  the  nape  of  the 
neck,  and  a  hypnotic  Eye;  so  they  knew  he 
was  destined  for  the  Service  of  the  Public. 

Even  while  he  was  in  the  custody  of  the 
[m] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Old  Women  of  the  Township,  he  began 
reaching  for  everything  he  saw  and  testing 
his  Voice.  He  claimed  his  Rations  fre 
quently  and  with  insistence. 

While  he  was  demonstrating  an  elastic 
Capacity,  the  head  Prophetess  called  at 
tention  to  his  aggressive  Style  and  pre 
dicted  a  political  Career. 

It  was  a  cinch  Horoscope,  for  the  Be 
getters  were  a  successful  Auctioneer  and  a 
Poetess  of  local  repute. 

The  Child  was  christened  Sylvester,  in 
anticipation  of  his  Future  Greatness. 

Several  years  later,  when  he  rebelled 
against  going  to  the  Barber  Shop  and  began 
to  speak  Pieces  on  the  slightest  provoca 
tion,  the  Parents  rejoiced  over  these  bud 
ding  symptons  of  Statesmanship  and  bought 
him  a  Drum. 

At  school  he  was  a  Dummy  in  Mathe 
matics  and  a  Lummux  when  it  came  to 

[172] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

Spelling  Down,  but  every  Friday  afternoon 
he  was  out  in  the  lead,  wearing  Bells. 

Before  he  acquired  a  Vocabulary  or  accu 
mulated  Data,  he  got  by  on  his  Nerve.  In 
later  years  he  never  forgot  that  Facts  are 
non-essential  if  the  Vocal  Cords  are  in  tune. 

When  the  Pupils  tackled  the  old  stand 
by,  "Resolved,  that  Education  is  better 
than  Riches,"  he  could  tremolo  on  the  Af 
firmative  one  week  and  then  reverberate 
for  the  Negative  one  w^eek  later,  never 
doubting  his  owTn  Sincerity  at  any  stage 
of  the  Game. 

The  grinding  classmates  w^ho  had  se 
cured  the  mark  of  A  in  Geometry  and  Rhet 
oric  were  not  in  the  running  on  Commence 
ment  Day. 

Our  Hero  got  his  Diploma  on  a  Fluke, 
but  when  he  appeared  on  the  Rostrum 
between  an  Oleander  and  the  Members  of 
the  Board,  with  Goose-Goose  on  the  Aure- 

[173] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ole,  the  new  Store  Suit  garnished  with  a 
leaf  of  Geranium  and  a  yellow  Rose-Bud, 
and  the  Gates  Ajar  Collar  lashed  fast  with 
his  future  Trade-Mark:  viz.,  a  White  Bow 
Tie  —  he  had  all  the  Book  Worms  crushed 
under  his  Heel. 

He  pulled  out  the  stop  marked  "Vox 
Humana"  and  begged  his  Hearers  to  lift 
the  sword  of  Justice  and  with  it  smite  the 
Deluge  of  Organized  Wealth  which  was 
crouched  and  ready  to  spring  upon  the 
Common  People. 

In  pleading  the  cause  of  Labor,  he  spoke 
as  an  Expert,  for  once  he  had  strung  a 
Clothes-Line  for  his  Mother. 

He  got  the  biggest  Hand  of  any  one  at 
the  Exercises.  After  denouncing  the  pre- 
daceous  Interests  he  relapsed  into  an  at 
titude  of  Meditation,  with  the  Chin  on 
the  starched  Front,  very  much  like  a  Steel 
Engraving  of  Daniel  Webster. 
tl»4] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

The  enthralled  Townsmen,  seeing  him 
thus,  with  the  Right  Hand  buried  in  the 
Sack  Suit  and  the  raven  Mop  projecting 
in  the  rear,  allowed  that  there  was  nothing 
to  it.  He  was  a  Genius  and  billed  through 
for  the  Legislature. 

Some  Boys  have  to  go  to  College  to  get 
a  Shellac  Finish,  but  Sylvester  already  had 
the  Dark  Clothes  and  the  Corrugated  Brow 
and  a  voice  like  a  Tuba,  so,  to  complete 
his  Equipment,  he  merely  had  to  sit  tilted 
back  in  a  Law  Office  for  a  few  months  and 
then  borrow  Money  to  get  a  Hat  such  as 
John  A.  Logan  used  to  wear. 

All  who  saw  him  move  from  Group  to 
Group  along  the  Hitch  Rack  on  Saturday 
afternoon,  shaking  hands  with  the  Rus 
tics  and  applying  the  Ointment,  remarked 
that  Ves  was  a  young  man  of  Rare  Promise 
and  could  not  be  held  back  from  the  Pay- 
Roll  for  any  considerable  length  of  Time. 

[175] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  was  one  of  the  original  787  Boy  Ora 
tors  of  the  Timothy  Hay  Section  of  the 
Imperial  Middle  West. 

At  every  hotel  Banquet,  whether  by  the 
Alumni  of  the  Shorthand  College  or  under 
the  auspices  of  the  Piano  Movers'  Pleas 
ure  Club,  he  was  right  up  at  the  Head 
Table  with  his  Hair  rumpled,  ready  to 
exchange  a  Monologue  for  a  few  warm 
Oysters  and  a  cut  of  withered  Chicken. 

On  Memorial  Day  it  was  Sylvester  who 
choked  up  while  laying  his  Benediction  on 
the  Cumrads  of  the  G.  A.  R. 

On  Labor  Day  he  unbuttoned  his  Vest 
all  the  way  down,  held  a  trembling  Fist 
clear  above  the  leonine  Mat,  and  demanded 
a  living  Wage  for  every  Toiler. 

Consequently  he  acquired  repute  as  a 
staunch  Friend  of  the  Agriculturist,  the 
Steam  Fitter,  the  Old  Soldier,  the  Depart 
ment  Store  Employee,  and  others  accus- 
[176] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

tomed  to  voting  in  Shoals.  In  order  to 
mature  himself  and  be  seasoned  for  onerous 
Responsibilities,  he  waited  until  he  was  22 
years  of  age  before  attempting  to  gain  a 
frontage  at  the  Trough. 

It  was  highly  important  that  he  should 
serve  the  Suvrin  People  in  some  Capacity 
involving  Compensation.  It  was  fairly 
important  to  him  and  it  was  vitally  im 
portant  to  a  certain  Woman  of  gambling 
Disposition,  who  operated  a  Boarding- 
House. 

Sylvester  was  the  type  of  Lawyer  in 
tensely  admired  but  seldom  employed,  save 
by  Criminals  entirely  bereft  of  Means. 

In  addition  to  his  Board,  the  young 
Barrister  actually  required  a  pouch  of 
Fine  Cut  and  a  clean  White  Tie  every  week, 
so  he  was  impelled  by  stern  Necessity  to 
endeavor  to  hook  up  with  a  Salary. 

Because  Sylvester  had  administered  per- 

[177] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

sonal  Massage  to  every  Voter  within  five 
Miles  of  his  office,  he  thought  he  could  leap 
into  the  Arena  and  claim  an  immediate 
Laurel  Wreath  by  the  mere  charm  and 
vigor  of  his  Personality. 

He  ignored  the  Whispering  Ikes  who  met 
in  the  dim  Back  Room,  with  Cotton  plugged 
in  the  Key  Hole. 

The  Convention  met,  and  when  it  came 
time  to  nominate  a  Candidate  for  State's 
Attorney,  all  of  Sylvester's  tried  and  true 
Friends  among  the  Masses  were  at  home 
working  in  the  Garden  or  spread  out  in  the 
Hammock. 

The  Traction  Engine  pulled  the  Jugger 
naut  over  the  Popular  Idol. 

They  lit  on  him  spraddled  out.  They 
gave  him  the  Doo-Doo. 

When  the  Battle  had  ended,  he  was  a 
mile  from  the  cheerful  Bivouac,  lying  stark 
in  the  Moonlight. 

[178] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

He  was  supposed  to  be  eliminated.  The 
only  further  recognition  accorded  him  would 
be  at  the  Autopsy. 

Next  day  he  was  back  in  his  usual 
Haunts,  with  an  immaculate  Bow  Tie  and 
a  prop  Smile,  shaking  hands  with  all  who 
had  so  recently  harpooned  him.  As  a 
Come-Back  he  was  certainly  the  resilient 
Kid. 

Those  who  had  marveled  at  his  sole- 
leather  Organ  of  Speech,  now  had  to  ad 
mire  his  sheet  metal  Sensibilities,  nor  could 
they  deny  that  he  possessed  all  the  attri 
butes  of  a  sound  and  durable  Candidate. 

He  had  learned  his  Primer  lesson  in 
Politics.  As  soon  as  he  saw  that  he  could 
not  throw  the  Combination,  he  joined  it. 

He  came  into  the  Corral  and  lay  down  in 
the  Dust  and  allowed  them  to  brand  him 
as  a  Regular. 

Sylvester   became   the   White   Slave   of 

[179] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  Central  Committee,  knowing  that  even 
tually  true  Patriotism  would  have  to  be 
recognized  and  recompensed. 

When  he  came  to  bat  the  second  time  he 
had  the  Permanent  Chairman  and  the  Tell 
ers  and  all  the  Rough-Necks  plugging  for 
him,  consequently  it  was  a  Pipe. 

But  it  was  a  case  of  Reverse  English  on 
Election  Day,  for  the  venal  Opposition 
rode  into  power  on  a  Tidal  Wave. 

After  the  Tide  had  receded,  Sylvester 
was  found  asleep  among  the  Clams  and 
Sea- Weed,  apparently  so  far  gone  that  a 
Pulmotor  would  be  no  help. 

Three  days  later,  however,  he  was  on 
hand,  with  chaste  Neckwear  and  a  jaunty 
Front,  to  make  a  Presentation  Speech  to 
the  Chief  of  the  Fire  Department. 

Talk  about  your  Rubber  Cores!  The 
harder  they  trun  him  down  the  higher  he 
bounced  back. 

[180] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

Those  who  had  been  marked  by  Fate  to 
be  his  Constits  began  to  see  that  Sylves 
ter  was  something  inevitable  and  not  to  be 
denied. 

What  though  his  Detractors  called  him  a 
Four-Flush  and  a  False  Alarm,  alleging 
that  a  true  analysis  of  his  Mentality  would 
be  just  about  as  profitable  as  dissecting  a 
Bass  Drum? 

The  more  they  knocked,  the  more  oleo 
margarine  became  his  beaming  Counte 
nance,  for  he  knew  that  Calumny  avails 
naught  against  a  White  Tie  in  the  Hot-Bed 
of  cut-and-dried  Orthodoxy. 

He  played  the  social  String  from  the  W. 
C.  T.  U.  to  the  Elks  and  was  a  blood- 
brother  of  the  Tin  Horn  and  the  acidulated 
Elder  with  the  scant  Skilligans. 

In  order  to  keep  the  High-Binders  and 
the  Epworth  Leaguers  both  on  his  Staff 
at  one  and  the  same  time,  he  had  to 

[181] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

be  some  Equilibrist,  so  he  never  hoisted 
a  Slug  except  in  his  own  Office,  where  he 
kept  it  behind  the  Supreme  Court  Re 
ports. 

When  he  went  out  the  third  time  for  the 
same  Job,  the  Voters  saw  it  was  no  use  try 
ing  to  block  him  off,  so  he  landed. 

In  the  full  crimson  of  Triumph,  with  new 
Patent  Leather  Shoes  and  as  much  as  $40 
in  his  Kick  at  one  time,  he  never  forgot  for 
a  moment  that  he  was  a  servant  of  the  Pe- 
hee-pul  and  might  want  to  run  for  some 
thing  else  in  the  near  future. 

He  tempered  Justice  with  Mercy  and 
quashed  many  an  Indictment  if  the  De 
fendant  looked  like  a  grateful  Geezer  who 
might  be  useful  in  his  own  Precinct. 

No  one  dared  to  attack  him  because  of 
the  fact  that  he  had  delivered  a  Lecture  to 
the  eager  young  souls  at  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.,  in 
which  he  had  exhibited  a  Road  Map  and 

[182] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

proved  that  adherence  to  the  Cardinal  Vir 
tues  leads  unerringly  to  Success. 

At  the  age  of  thirty-two  he  broke  into 
the  Legislature  and  began  to  wear  a  White 
Vest,  of  the  kind  affected  by  the  more  ex 
clusive  Bar  Tenders.  Also  a  variety  of 
Shroud  known  as  the  Prince  Albert. 

He  was  fearless  in  discussing  any  pro 
posed  Measure  that  did  not  worry  the 
Farmer  Vote  in  his  own  District. 

As  for  Wall  Street  and  the  Plunder- 
bund,  when  he  got  after  them,  he  was  a 
raving  Bosco.  A  regular  Woof- Woofer  and 
bite  their  heads  off. 

About  the  time  he  came  up  for  re-elec 
tion,  a  lot  of  Character-Assassins  tried  to 
shell-road  him  and  hand  him  the  Gaff  and 
crowd  him  into  the  9-hole. 

They  said  he  had  been  flirting  with  the 
Corporations  and  sitting  in  on  Jack-Pots 
and  smearing  himself  at  the  Pie  Counter. 

[183] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Did  they  secure  his  Goat  by  such  crude 
Methods? 

Not  while  the  5-octave  Voice  and  the 
enveloping  Prince  Albert  and  the  snow- 
white  Necktie  were  in  working  Trim. 

He  went  over  the  whole  District  in  an 
Auto  (one  of  the  fruits  of  his  Frugality),  and 
everywhere  that  Sylvester  went  the  Amer 
ican  Eagle  was  sure  to  go,  riding  on  the 
Wind-Shield,  and  a  Starry  Banner  draped 
over  the  Hood. 

He  waved  aside  all  Charges  made  against 
him.  To  give  them  serious  Heed  would  be 
an  Insult  to  the  high  Intelligence  of  the 
Hired  Hands  gathered  within  Sound  of  his 
Voice.  He  believed  in  discussing  the  Par 
amount  Issues. 

So  he  would  discuss  them  in  such  a  way 
that  the  Railway  Trains  passing  by  were 
no  interruption  whatsoever. 

In  course  of  time  his  Hair  outgrew  the 

[184] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

Legislature.  He  was  on  whispering  terms 
with  a  clean  majority  of  all  the  Partisans 
in  three  connecting  Counties,  so  he  bought 
one  Gross  of  the  White  String  Kind  and  a 
pair  of  Gum  Sneakers  and  began  to  run 
amuck  as  a  Candidate  for  Congress. 

Even  his  trusty  Henchmen  were  fright 
ened  to  know  that  he  had  become  obsessed 
of  such  a  vaulting  Ambition. 

They  did  not  have  him  sized,  that  was  all. 
The  farther  from  home  he  traveled,  the  more 
resounding  was  the  Hit  he  registered. 

The  Days  of  Spring  were  lengthening 
and  the  Campaign  was  not  far  distant  when 
Sylvester,  after  looking  at  the  Signs  in  the 
Sky  and  putting  his  Ear  to  the  Ground, 
discovered  that  he  was  thoroughly  impreg 
nated  with  the  new  Progressive  Doctrines. 

The  change  came  overnight,  but  he  was 
in  the  Band  Wagon  ahead  of  the  Driver. 

As  nearly  as  he  could  formulate  his  pri- 

[185] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

vate  Platform,  he  was  still  true  to  his  Party 
but  likewise  very  keen  for  any  Reform 
Measure  that  55  per  cent,  of  the  Voters 
might  favor,  either  at  the  present  time  or 
previous  to  any  future  Election. 

After  the  heated  Radicals  in  every  School 
District  had  listened  to  Sylvester  and  learned 
that  all  his  Views  coincided  to  a  T  with 
their  own  revised  Schedule,  they  lined  up 
and  landslided. 

One  November  morning  Our  Hero,  no 
longer  a  penniless  Law  Student,  but  owing, 
at  a  conservative  Estimate,  between  $6000 
and  $8000,  sat  tranquilly  in  front  of  the 
T-Bone  Steak,  the  Eggs,  the  Batter  Cakes, 
the  Cinnamon  Rolls,  and  the  Reservoir  of 
Coffee,  comprising  the  Breakfast  of  one  who 
always  remained  near  to  the  Rank  and  File. 

His  Hair  was  reached  in  a  new  way,  for 
the  Bulletins  at  Midnight  had  told  him 
that  he  was  a  Congressman. 

[186] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

Those  who  had  known  him  in  the  old 
Free-Lunch  Days,  when  a  Tie  lasted  him 
for  a  Week,  now  felt  honored  to  receive  his 
stately  Salutation  as  he  moved  slowly 
from  the  Post  Office  up  to  the  Drug  Store, 
to  buy  his  Bronchial  Lozenges. 

Many  of  the  Lower  Classes,  as  well  as 
the  more  Prominent  People  belonging  to 
the  Silver  Cornet  Band,  were  gathered  at 
the  Station  when  he  started  for  Washing 
ton  to  fight  in  the  impending  Battle  be 
tween  the  Corn-Shuckers  and  the  Allies  of 
Standard  Oil. 

Men  and  Women  standing  right  there  in 
the  Crowd  could  remember  when  he  had 
borrowed  his  first  Dollar. 

And  now  he  was  going  to  stand  beneath 
the  dome  of  the  Capitol  to  weave  a  new 
Fabric  of  Government  and  see  that  it  didn't 
crock  or  unravel. 

Sylvester  and  his  glossy  Trunk  arrived 

[187] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

at  the  Mecca,  where  they  were  pleasantly 
received  by  the  Agent  of  the  Transfer  Com 
pany  in  full  Uniform,  and  a  Senegam- 
bian  with  a  Red  Cap,  who  hunted  up  the 
Taxi. 

After  waiting  many  weary  Years,  Syl 
vester  once  more  had  a  School  Desk  of  his 
own.  It  was  in  the  far  corner  of  a  crowded 
Pit  surrounded  by  elevated  Seats. 

The  Hon.  Sylvester  found  himself  en 
tirely  surrounded  by  victims  of  involuntary 
Dumbness. 

By  referring  to  a  printed  List  he  ascer 
tained  that  he  was  a  member  of  the  Com 
mittee  on  Manual  Training  for  the  Alaska 
Indians. 

In  his  Boarding  House  he  became  ac 
quainted  with  Department  Clerks  who  were 
well  advanced  in  the  technology  of  Base 
Ball. 

After  a  few  weeks,  he  was  on  chatting 

[188] 


THE  TOILSOME  ASCENT 

Terms  with  a  Young  Lady  in  charge  of  a 
Cigar  and  News  Counter. 

As  soon  as  the  Paper  was  delivered  every 
morning  he  could  find  out  what  had  hap 
pened  in  Congress  the  day  before. 

If  confused  by  the  Cares  of  State,  he 
sought  diversion  by  taking  a  Visitor  from 
Home  to  see  the  Washington  Monument. 

After  three  months,  he  met  a  National 
Committeeman  with  a  Pull  who  promised 
to  secure  him  an  introduction  to  the  Speaker 
so  that  he  could  maneuver  around  and  get 
something  into  the  Record  before  his  time 
was  up. 

In  the  meantime,  he  is  heard  to  advan 
tage  on  every  Roll  Call,  and  the  Traducers 
back  in  the  District  have  not  been  able  to 
lay  a  finger  on  anything  Crooked. 

MORAL:  There  is  always  Room  and 
Board  at  the  Top. 

[189] 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  AERIAL 
PERFORMER,  THE  BUZZING 
BLONDINE,  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 
OF  MR.  JACKSON 


He  liked  to  tow  something  that  would  cause  the 
Oyster  Forks  to  pause  in  midair  and  the  Catty 
Ones  to  reach  for  their  Hardware 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  AERIAL 

PERFORMER,  THE  BUZZING 

BLONDINE  AND  THE 

DAUGHTER  OF  MR. 

JACKSON 

ONCE  upon  a  time  a  Lad  with  Cinnamon 
Hair  and  wide  blue  Eyes  lived  in  a  half- 
portion  Town. 

He  had  received  more  than  2000  Tickets 
for  answering  "Here"  at  the  M.  E.  Sunday 
School. 

His  kinfolk  hoped  that  some  day  he 
would  be  President  of  the  Town  Board. 

Shortly  after  he  learned  to  roll  a  safe 
game  of  Pool,  his  Governor  demised. 

Robert,  such  being  the  full  front  name 
of  the  sole  Heir,  found  that  he  could  not 

[193] 


ADE'S    FABLES 

spread  his  Pinions  in  the  narrow  Streets  of 
the  lichen-covered  Hamlet. 

So  he  blew.  He  went  to  find  an  Avenue 
that  would  accommodate  seven  Zeppelin 
Air-Ships  moving  abreast  at  one  time. 

He  closed  out  the  Dry  Goods  Emporium 
with  the  Shirt-Waists  and  the  shameless 
Hosiery  in  the  Windows. 

An  Apartment  Building,  with  Packages 
delivered  at  the  rear,  soon  began  to  flaunt 
itself  on  the  site  of  the  old  Manse. 

With  all  the  currency  corraled  by  the 
late  Store-Keeper  padded  into  his  Norfolk 
Jacket,  the  gallus  Offspring  hurried  to  the 
Metrop  to  pick  the  Primroses. 

In  a  short  time  he  was  out  at  the  Track 
every  day,  barking  at  the  Goats  as  they 
hove  into  the  Stretch. 

The  pencil-borrowing  Touts  and  the  Wine 
Pushers  began  to  call  him  Bob,  which 
proved  that  he  was  a  Man  about  Town. 

[194] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

When  the  final  Kiflukus  was  put  on  the 
Ponies,  he  assembled  the  residue  of  his 
Bundle  and  began  to  work  steady  as  a 
Guesser  in  a  Broker's  Office. 

His  job  was  to  show  at  10  G.  M.  with  a 
big  Reina  Victoria  at  one  extreme  corner 
of  his  Face  and  pretend  to  know  what  was 
coming  off  when  the  Boy  put  the  funny 
marks  on  the  Blackboard. 

Ever  and  anon  he  would  buy  1000  Shares 
of  something,  as  if  Negotiating  for  a  Bread- 
Ticket. 

As  a  rule,  the  tall-grass  Plunger  with  a 
wad  of  new  Kale  has  about  the  same  per 
centage  in  his  favor  as  that  enjoyed  by  a 
Shoat  out  at  the  well-known  Establishment 
of  Armour  &  Co. 

The  Cleaners  go  forth  to  meet  him,  bear 
ing  as  Gifts  a  Dream-Book  and  a  new  kind 
of  Cocktail  with  a  Kick  like  a  Coast-De 
fense  Gun. 

[195] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

A  few  weeks  later  they  are  casting  lots 
for  his  Union  Suit. 

Bob  came  from  Simpville,  but  he  had  ac 
quired  a  couple  of  Wrinkles  associating  with 
the  Wing  Shots  in  the  Paddock. 

He  could  shift  to  either  Foot  and  he  kept 
his  Maxillary  covered. 

Sometimes  he  picked  up  the  wrong  Wal 
nut.  It  would  begin  to  look  like  a  quick 
change  from  Caviar  to  Crackers. 

More  than  once  his  Heels  were  beating 
a  tattoo  on  the  grassy  brink  of  a  Precipice. 

Then  he  would  smell  around  until  he 
discovered  Something  Doing.  A  couple 
of  lucky  shots  and  he  would  be  on  Velvet 
again  and  whanging  away  like  a  Demon. 

At  last,  with  a  Bull  Market  and  a  system 
of  Pyramids,  he  began  to  sweep  it  in  with 
his  Fore-Arm. 

Head  Waiters  paid  him  the  most  grovel 
ing  Attentions  and  bright  eyes  grew  brighter 

[196] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

yet  when  he  suggested  pulling  a  little  Sup 
per,  with  a  $400  Souvenir  at  each  Plate. 

He  \vas  admitted  to  full  membership  in 
the  Tango  Tribe  of  the  Tenderloin  Night- 
Riders. 

This  select  Coterie  was  organized  for  the 
purpose  of  closing  all  Cabarets  by  6  A.  M. 

An  early  hour  was  named  because  many 
of  them  were  not  made  up  for  the  cold  Day 
light. 

About  the  time  he  began  to  discover  Vint 
ages  he  discovered  Elphye  also. 

She  was  an  Actress  who  was  too  busy  to 
perform  on  the  Stage. 

Elphye  had  a  good  Social  Position  back 
at  her  Home  but,  for  some  reason,  she  never 
sent  for  it. 

Her  Parents  had  arranged  for  her  to  be  a 
Brunette,  but  when  Bob  met  her,  between 
the  Guinea  Hen  and  the  Cafe  Parfait,  she 
was  a  Lemon  Meringue. 

[197] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Elphye  wore  Clothes  that  made  a  noise 
like  a  Piccolo. 

She  was  there  with  the  jeweled  Heels  and 
the  hand-painted  Ankles. 

In  trying  to  make  her  Gowns  anywhere 
from  six  to  nine  months  ahead  of  Paris, 
she  sprung  several  Effects  that  caused  the 
Chandeliers  to  tremble  and  the  Ice  to  melt 
in  the  Buckets. 

She  had  abolished  her  Shape  entirely  and 
abandoned  the  Perpendicular,  preferring  a 
Droop  which  indicated  that  possibly  she  had 
been  fashioned  over  a  Barrel. 

She  tried  to  model  herself  on  the  lines  of 
a  string  Bean,  slightly  warped  by  the  Sun. 

The  Ascending  Star  of  the  Financial 
World  was  stunned  by  the  Apparition. 

No  one  had  tipped  it  off  to  him  that  the 
Queen  of  Sheba  was  to  be  reincarnated. 

He  found  Elphye  ever  and  ever  so  ac 
complished. 

[1981 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

She  knew  all  the  Songs  that  now  blister 
the  Varnish  off  the  Pianos  in  so  many  well- 
ordered  Homes. 

She  was  enough  of  a  Contortionist  to  get 
away  with  several  Dances  named  for  the 
innocent  Poultry. 

Being  a  close  student  of  the  Bill-Boards 
she  was  in  touch  with  Current  Happen 
ings. 

Her  Eye- Work  was  perfect,  but  she 
found  it  hard  pumping  to  Blush  at  the  right 
time. 

When  she  tackled  Polite  Conversation 
she  put  a  few  Tooth-Marks  in  it.  Still  she 
made  a  very  creditable  Stab  for  a  Girl 
brought  up  in  Michigan  and  never  east  of 
Sheepshead  Bay. 

She  looked  very  creamy  to  Bob,  if  the 
Music  was  loud  enough. 

He  liked  to  tow  something  that  would 
cause  the  Oyster  Forks  to  pause  in  midair 

[199] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

and  the  Catty  Ones  to  reach  for  their  Hard 
ware. 

When  Elphye  did  a  little  Barnum  and 
Bailey  down  the  main  Chute  of  a  Terrapin 
Bazaar,  rest  assured  that  every  Eye  in  the 
Resort  was  aimed  at  her  gleaming  Vertebrae. 

Bob  showed  her  his  monthly  Statements 
and  she  confessed  to  being  very  fond  of 
him.  So  it  was  planned  that  they  would 
Marry  some  afternoon,  if  she  could  get  away 
from  the  Masseuse  early  enough. 

The  Troth  was  pledged  in  a  few  high- 
priced  Trinkets  which  she  had  decided  upon 
before  he  spoke  to  her. 

Just  when  it  seemed  a  mortal  Pipe  that 
the  Bull  Tactics  would  enable  him  to  cop 
a  Million,  so  that  he  could  live  at  a  Hotel 
and  finance  the  Little  Queen,  the  Unseen 
Superintendent  in  the  Tower  began  to  throw 
the  Switches  of  Destiny. 

If  Bob  had  not  speeded  so  far  into  the 

[  200] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

Country  in  the  Smell- Wagon,  there  would 
have  been  no  Flat  Tire. 

If  there  had  been  no  Flat  Tire,  he  would 
have  been  back  in  time  for  the  usual  round 
up  of  the  Irrigation  Committee  and  never 
would  have  been  a  Great  Financier. 

Marooned  among  the  Hay-Fields,  he 
stopped  at  a  Farm  House  and  took  a  long 
chance  on  some  Well- Water,  dipped  in  a 
Gourd  from  the  Moss-Covered  Bucket. 

Scotch  Whiskey  is  never  contaminated  by 
Surface  Drains,  but  each  sparkling  Drop  of 
the  Fluid  that  Bob  quaffed,  there  beneath 
the  Willows,  contained  more  than  2,000,000 
of  the  Germs  made  notorious  by  Dr.  WToods 
Hutchinson. 

A  few  days  later  a  swarm  of  Bees  settled 
in  each  ear.  Every  Sky-Scraper  gave  an 
imitation  of  the  Leaning  Tower  of  Pisa. 

He  knew  he  was  out  of  Kelter,  but  he  had 
to  watch  the  Board,  for  he  had  put  every 

[201] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Bean  in  the  World  on  an  acrobatic  Indus 
trial  known  as  Tin  Bucket  Preferred. 

Already  the  Paper  Profits  were  enormous. 
Bob  figured  confidently  on  another  Whoop 
of  50  points  and  a  double  string  of  Pearls 
for  Elphye. 

But  when  the  poor  Loon  had  a  Temper 
ature  of  5  above  Par  and  had  to  cling  to 
the  Brass  Rail  to  keep  from  taking  the 
Count,  he  lost  his  Nerve  entirely. 

He  couldn't  see  anything  on  the  Horizon 
except  Tariff  Revision,  Hard  Times,  Weeping 
Women,  Starving  Kiddies,  Closed  Factories, 
Soup  Kitchens,  and  Bread  Lines. 

While  in  this  dotty  State  'and  quite  irre 
sponsible,  he  directed  the  Manager  to  close 
out  the  whole  Smear  and  sell  short. 

Furthermore,  he  was  so  daffy  and  curdled 
in  the  Filbert  that  he  sold  three  times  as 
much  as  he  had. 

Then  he  did  a  couple  of  Spins  and  a  Flop, 

[202} 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

and  the  White  Ambulance  bore  him  away 
to  the  big  Hospital. 

If  Mr.  Hornung  Jackson  of  Round  Grove, 
Maryland,  had  not  entered  upon  his  Sec 
ond  Childhood  at  the  age  of  55,  his  Family 
would  have  remained  on  Easy  Street. 

Mr.  Jackson  thought  he  could  sit  in  his 
Front  Room  and  read  the  burglarious  Medi 
tations  of  the  High-Binders  in  Wall  Street. 

Consequently,  when  the  Tin  Box  was 
searched,  the  Day  after  the  Masons  had 
marched  out  to  the  Cemetery,  it  contained 
a  little  of  everything  except  Assets. 

Annie  was  the  name  of  the  Daughter. 

On  the  Clean-up  she  received  enough  to 
put  her  through  the  School. 

When  Bob  arrived  at  the  Hospital,  in  a 
State  of  Conflagration,  Annie  was  waiting 
in  the  starched  Uniform  to  tackle  her  first 
real  Case. 

For  days  and  nights  he  rambled  through 

[203] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  ghostly  labyrinths  of  Delirium,  Annie 
holding  him  by  the  Hand  and  lifting  the 
cool  Draughts  to  his  parched  Lips. 

He  mumbled  and  raved  about  the  de 
cisions  of  the  Umpire  in  the  game  between 
the  Academy  and  the  Knitting  Works. 

He  gave  Annie  his  entire  performance  of 
Ralph  Rackstraw  in  "  Pinafore  "  for  the  ben 
efit  of  the  Library  Fund,  including  Cues. 

He  scolded  his  Aunt  Mary  for  doing  her 
own  Housework  and  told  the  Colored  Men 
how  to  lay  the  Cement  Walk  down  through 
the  Grape  Arbor. 

He  promised  his  Father  not  to  play 
Poker  any  more  and  vowed  to  his  Mother 
that  she  was  a  better  Chef  than  the  one  up 
at  DeFs. 

But  his  sub-conscious  Self  was  so  con 
siderate  of  Elphye  that  he  never  brought 
in  her  Name  at  all,  at  all. 

Sometimes   he  would   get   back  to   the 

[204] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

Ticker,  but  he  was  ready  to  leave  it  any 
time  to  go  fishing  in  the  Crick  with  the  Lads 
from  the  other  side  of  the  Tracks. 

Through  the  final  Crisis  he  played  tag 
with  the  Grim  Reaper  and  just  escaped 
being  It. 

The  Sun  was  slanting  into  the  little 
white  Room  when  he  crawled  feebly  back 
to  Earth  and  tried  to  get  his  Bearings. 

Annie  was  looking  right  at  him,  relieved 
and  smiling  and  happy.  She  had  won  her 
first  game  in  the  Big  League. 

He  noticed  that  she  was  not  slashed  up 
the  side  or  down  the  back,  had  no  metallic 
Insteps,  carried  her  own  Hair,  and  was  in 
no  way  concealed  behind  the  usual  pallid 
Veneering. 

He  remembered  dimly  that  she  had  been 
with  him  on  the  Underground. 

Then  he  recalled  a  previous  Existence  in 
which  the  Dripped  Absinthe  was  a  Break- 

[205] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

fast  and  the  Cigarette  a  Luncheon  and 
Elphye  was  trotting  in  her  Glads  and  he 
had  a  Swell  Bet  down  on  Tin  Bucket  Pre 
ferred.  The  whole  Lay-Out  seemed  unreal 
and  remote  and  entirely  disconnected  with 
Friend  Nurse. 

He  inquired  the  Day  of  the  Week,  and 
when  he  learned  it  was  Next  Month  he 
started  to  get  right  up  and  put  on  his 
Things. 

Annie  quietly  spread  him  back  on  the 
Pillow  and  laid  down  the  Law  regarding 
Rest  and  Quiet. 

Then  he  begged  her  to  ring  up  McCusick 
&  Co.  and  get  the  latest  Bucket  Preferred. 

He  said  he  had  plastered  his  last  Samo- 
leon  and,  not  being  there  to  watch  the  Board 
and  concentrate  his  wonderful  Trading  In 
stinct  on  every  jiggle  of  the  Dial,  there  was 
no  telling  what  the  Bone-Heads  had  done 
to  him. 

[206] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

You  see,  he  had  no  recollection  whatever 
of  going  Short,  for  he  had  been  in  a  Walk 
ing  Delirium  at  the  time  and  crazy  as  a 
Cubist. 

Annie  said  it  was  wrong  to  Gamble  and 
he  was  not  to  read  the  Papers  or  fuss  with 
Visitors  until  Doc  gave  the  word. 

Suddenly  he  remembered  that  he  was  en 
gaged  to  Elphye  and  he  wondered  if  she 
had  forgotten. 

So  many  things  can  happen  in  a  Great 
City  within  two  weeks. 

He  told  Nurse  about  Elphye.  Annie  did 
not  seem  madly  interested,  but  she  wrote 
a  Note  to  the  Sazerack  Apartment  Build 
ing  and  notified  the  Seraphine  that  her 
prospective  Producer  was  still  extant  and 
would  be  willing  to  renew  acquaintance  if 
she  could  spare  an  hour  or  two  from  her 
Dancing. 

Elphye  came  out  two  days  later  made  up 

[2071 


ADE'S  FABLES 

as  a  Princess  in  the  Christmas  Pantomime 
and  diffusing  pleasant  Odors  in  all  directions. 

She  sat  down  alongside  of  Annie  and 
immediately  she  was  shown  up  and  went 
back  to  the  Minors. 

Her  Second-Reader  Conversation,  com 
plicated  with  the  phoney  Boston  sound  of 
"A"  as  in  "Squash,"  did  not  improve  her 
General  Average. 

Bob  suddenly  realized  that  in  getting  rid 
of  the  Bronxes  and  the  Nicotine  and  vari 
ous  other  Toxins,  he  also  had  lost  his  ap 
petite  for  Elphye. 

But  he  was  Game  and  willing  to  go  through 
on  his  own  Proposition. 

He  sent  Nurse  for  a  glass  of  Water  and 
then  begged  his  Fiancee  to  smuggle  in  a 
Newspaper  so  he  could  find  out  the  name  of 
his  getting-off  Station. 

Next  day  she  brought  the  Market  Page 
in  her  wonderful  jewel-crusted  Bag. 

[208] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

Bob  took  one  Look  and  crawled  under 
the  Covers. 

The  Market  had  gone  Blooey. 

Bucket  Preferred  was  down  in  the  Sub 
way,  bleeding  from  a  dozen  Wounds. 

The  Whole  List  was  on  the  Blinkety  Fritz. 

"Courage,  Dearie,"  said  Bob,  taking 
Elphye  by  the  Rings.  "Your  little  Play 
mate  is  erased  from  the  map." 

Elphye  upset  two  Rolling  Chairs  and  one 
Interne  getting  from  the  Convalescent  De 
partment  to  the  open  Air. 

Annie  found  the  poor  Bankrupt  much 
improved  as  to  Pulse  and  Temperature. 

He  told  her  the  whole  Story  of  how  his 
Lady  Fair  had  canned  him  because  he  was 
no  longer  a  Live  One. 

She  held  his  hand  and  pushed  back  his 
Locks  and  told  him  that  any  Girl  with  a 
Heart  would  stick  closer  than  ever  to  her 
Selection  when  he  was  under  the  Rollers. 

[209] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Just  then  a  Messenger  from  McCusick 
came  in  and  showed  Bob  that  by  going 
Short  and  standing  pat  he  was  $1,800,000 
to  the  Desirable. 

After  that,  Bob  was  known  up  and  down 
the  Street  as  The  Wizard. 

Annabelle,  remembering  how  they  had 
got  to  her  Father,  made  him  cut  out  the 
Margins  and  put  the  whole  Chunk  into 
listed  Securities  and  Real  Estate. 

He  wanted  to  stick  around  and  parlee  up 
to  a  Billion,  but  she  raised  a  most  emphatic 
Nixey. 

He  was  so  used  to  taking  orders  from  her 
as  a  Trained  Nurse  that  he  cut  out  specu 
lating  and  played  Safe. 

The  whole  game  was  punk  for  months 
after,  so  every  one  said  he  had  been  a  Wise 
Mug  for  backing  away. 

The  Missus  allows  him  a  light  one  (mostly 
Vermouth)  before  Dinner  each  evening  and 

[210] 


THE  AERIAL  PERFORMER 

has  taught  him  a  private  Signal  which  means 
that  she  is  ready  to  duck  and  go  Home. 

At  present  they  are  in  Paris,  where  she 
is  working  to  get  the  same  hilarious  Tout 
Ensemble  formerly  exhibited  by  Elphye, 
the  Ex-Empress  of  the  White  Light  Res 
ervation. 

The  latter  went  to  see  a  Lawyer  when 
she  learned  that  she  had  been  tricked  out 
of  her  Happiness. 

Unfortunately  for  her,  she  had  nothing 
on  Robert,  thanks  to  his  native  shrewdness 
and  Mr.  Bell,  who  invented  the  Telephone. 

She  is  now  playing  Utility  Parts  in  a 
Stock  Company  in  Pennsylvania.  The 
Jewels  pelted  at  her  by  Bob  are  much  ad 
mired  by  the  Gallery. 

MORAL:  The  City  holds  no  Peril  for 
those  who  cherish  Lucky  Ideals. 


[2111 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  SUSAN  AND  THE 
DAUGHTER  AND  THE  GRAND 
DAUGHTER,  AND  THEN  SOME 
THING  REALLY  GRAND 

ONCE  there  was  a  full-blown  Wild  Peach, 
registered  in  the  Family  Bible  as  Susan 
Mahaly. 

Her  Pap  divided  his  time  between  col 
lecting  at  a  Toll-Gate  and  defending  the 
Military  Reputation  of  Andy  Jackson. 

The  family  dwelt  in  what  was  then  re 
garded  by  Cambridge,  Mass.,  as  the  Twi 
light  Zone  of  Semi-Culture,  viz.,  Swigget 
County,  Pennsylvania. 

Susan  wore  Linsey-Woolsey  from  Mon 
day  to  Saturday.  She  never  had  tampered 
with  her  Venus  de  Milo  Topography  and 

[212] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

she  did  not  even  suspect  that  Women  had 
Nerves. 

When  she  was  seventeen  she  had  a  Fore- 
Arm  like  a  Member  of  the  Turn ve rein. 

She  knew  how  to  Card  and  Weave  and 
Dye.  Also  she  could  make  Loose  Soap  in 
a  kettle  out  in  the  Open  Air. 

Susan  never  fell  down  on  her  Salt-Rising 
Bread.  Her  Apple  Butter  was  always  Al. 

It  was  commonly  agreed  that  she  would 
make  some  Man  a  good  Housekeeper,  for 
she  was  never  sickly  and  could  stay  on  her 
Feet  sixteen  hours  at  a  Stretch. 

Already  she  was  beginning  to  look  down 
the  Pike  for  a  regular  Fellow. 

In  the  year  1840,  the  Lass  of  seventeen 
who  failed  to  get  her  Hooks  on  some  roam 
ing  specimen  of  the  Opposite  Gender  was 
in  danger  of  being  whispered  about  as  an 
Old  Maid.  Celibacy  was  listed  with  Arson 
and  Manslaughter. 

[213] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Rufus  was  destined  to  be  an  Early  Vic 
torian  Rummy,  but  he  could  lift  a  Saw- 
Log,  and  he  would  stand  without  being 
hitched,  so  Susan  nailed  him  the  third  time 
he  came  snooping  around  the  Toll-Gate. 

Rufus  did  not  have  a  Window  to  hoist 
or  a  Fence  to  lean  on.  But  there  is  no 
Poverty  in  any  Pocket  of  the  Universe  until 
Wealth  arrives  and  begins  to  get  Luggy. 

Susan  thought  she  was  playing  in  rare 
Luck  to  snare  a  Six-Footer  who  owned  a 
good  Squirrel  Rifle  and  could  out-wrastle 
all  Comers. 

The  Hills  of  Pennsylvania  were  becom 
ing  congested,  with  Neighbors  not  more 
than  two  or  three  miles  apart,  so  Rufus 
and  his  Bride  decided  to  hit  a  New  Trail 
into  the  Dark  Timber  and  grow  up  with  the 
Boundless  West. 

Relatives  of  the  Young  Couple  staked 
them  to  a  team  of  Pelters,  a  Muley  Cow,  a 

[214] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

Bird  Dog  of  dubious  Ancestry,  an  Axe  and 
a  Skillet,  and  started  them  over  the  Divide 
toward  the  perilous  Frontier,  away  out  yen- 
der  in  Illinoy. 

It  was  a  Hard  Life.  As  they  trundled 
slowly  over  the  rotten  Roads,  toward  the 
Land  of  Promise,  they  had  to  subsist  largely 
on  Venison,  Prairie  Chicken,  Quail,  Black 
Bass,  Berries,  and  Wild  Honey.  They  car 
ried  their  own  Coffee. 

Arrived  at  the  Jumping-Off  Place,  they 
settled  down  among  the  Mink  and  Musk- 
Rats.  Rufus  hewed  out  and  jammed  to 
gether  a  little  two  by  twice  Cabin  with  the 
Flue  running  up  the  outside.  It  looked 
ornery  enough  to  be  the  Birthplace  of  almost 
any  successful  American. 

The  Malaria  Mosquito  was  waiting  for 
the  Pioneers.  In  those  good  old  Chills- 
and-Fever  days,  no  one  ever  blamed  it  on 
the  Female  of  the  Species.  Those  who  had 

[215] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  Shakes  allowed  that  they  were  being 
jarred  by  the  Hand  of  Providence. 

When  the  family  ran  low  on  Quinine,  all 
he  had  to  do  was  hook  up  and  drive  fifty 
miles  to  the  nearest  Town,  where  he  would 
trade  the  Furs  for  Necessities  such  as  Apple 
jack  and  Navy  Twist,  and  possibly  a  few 
Luxuries  such  as  Tea  and  Salt. 

On  one  of  these  memorable  Trips  to  the 
Store,  a  Mood  which  combined  Sentiment 
with  reckless  Prodigality  seized  upon  him. 

He  thought  of  the  brave  Woman  who 
was  back  there  in  the  lonesome  Shack, 
shooing  the  Prairie  Wolves  away  from  the 
Cradle,  and  he  resolved  to  reward  her. 

With  only  three  Gills  of  Stone  Fence  un 
der  his  Wammus,  he  spread  his  Wild-Cat 
Currency  on  the  Counter  and  purchased 
a  $6  Clock,  with  jig-saw  ornaments,  a 
shiny  coat  of  Varnish,  and  a  Bouquet  of 
Pink  Roses  on  the  door. 

[216] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

Susan  burst  into  Tears  when  she  saw  it 
on  the  Wall,  alongside  of  the  Turkey  Wing, 
and  vowed  that  she  had  married  the  Best 
Man  in  the  World. 

Twenty  years  later,  Jennie,  the  first  be 
gotten  Chick  at  the  Log  House  in  the 
Clearing,  had  matured  and  married,  and 
was  living  at  the  County-Seat  with  Hiram, 
Money-Changer  and  Merchant. 

Railroad  Trains,  Side-Bar  Buggies,  Coal- 
Oil  Lamps,  and  the  Civil  War  had  come 
along  with  a  Rush  and  disarranged  prim 
itive  Conditions.  The  Frontier  had  re 
treated  away  over  into  Kansas. 

In  the  very  Township  where,  of  late,  the 
Beaver  had  toiled  without  Hindrance  and 
the  Red  Fox  dug  his  hole  unscared,  people 
were  now  eating  Cove  Oysters,  and  going 
tosee"EastLynne." 

Hiram  was  in  rugged  Health,  having  de 
fended  the  flag  by  Proxy  during  the  recent 

[217] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

outcropping  of  Acrimony  between  the  de 
votees  of  Cold  Bread  and  the  slaves  of 
Hot  Biscuit.  The  Substitute  had  been 
perforated  beyond  repair  at  the  Battle  of 
Kenesaw  Mountain,  proving  that  Hiram 
made  no  mistake  in  remaining  behind  to 
tend  Store. 

When  Jennie  moved  in  where  she  could 
hear  the  Trains  whistle  and  began  to  sport 
a  Cameo  Brooch,  she  could  barely  remember 
wearing  a  Slip  and  having  Stone  Bruises. 

Hiram  was  Near,  but  he  would  Loosen 
up  a  trifle  for  his  own  Fireside.  The  fact 
that  Jennie  was  his  wife  gave  her  quite  a 
Standing  with  him.  He  admired  her  for 
having  made  such  a  Success  of  her  Life. 

They  dwelt  in  a  two-story  Frame  with 
countless  Dewdads  and  Thingumbobs  tacked 
along  the  Eaves  and  Scalloped  around  the 
Bay  Windows. 

The  Country  People  who  came  in  to  see 

[218] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

the  Eighth  Wronder  of  the  WTorld  used  to 
stand  in  silent  Awe,  breathing  through 
their  Noses. 

Out  on  the  lawn,  surrounded  by  Gera 
niums,  was  a  Cast-Iron  Deer  which  seemed 
to  be  looking  at  the  Court  House  in  a 
startled  Manner.  It  was  that  kind  of  a 
Court  House. 

In  her  Front  Room,  the  daughter  of  Rufus 
and  Susan  had  Wonderful  Wax  Flowers, 
sprinkled  with  Diamond  Dust;  a  What-Not 
bearing  Mineral  Specimens,  Conch-Shells, 
and  a  Star-Fish,  also  some  Hair-Cloth  Fur 
niture,  very  slippery  and  upholstered  with 
Sand. 

After  Hiram  gave  her  the  Black  Silk  and 
paid  for  the  Crayon  Enlargements  of  her 
Parents,  Jennie  did  not  have  the  Face  to 
bone  him  for  anything  more,  but  she  longed 
in  secret  and  Hiram  suspected. 

Jennie  was  a  soprano.     Not  a  regular  So- 

[219] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

prano,  but  a  Country -Town  Soprano,  of  the 
kind  often  used  for  augmenting  the  Grief  at 
a  Funeral.  Her  voice  came  from  a  point 
about  two  inches  above  the  Right  Eye. 

She  had  assisted  a  Quartette  to  do  things 
to  "Juanita,"  and  sometimes  tossed  out 
little  Hints  about  wishing  she  could  prac 
tice  at  Home.  Jennie  was  a  Nice  Woman 
but  she  did  need  Practice. 

Although  Hiram  was  tighter  than  the 
Bark  on  a  Sycamore,  he  liked  to  have  other 
Women  envy  the  Mother  of  His  Chil 
dren. 

When  he  spread  himself  from  a  Shin- 
Plaster,  he  expected  a  Fanfare  of  Trumpets. 

It  took  him  a  long  time  to  unwind  the 
String  from  the  Wallet,  but  he  would  Dig 
if  he  thought  he  was  boosting  his  own 
Game. 

By  stealthy  short-weighting  of  the  Coun 
try  Trade  and  holding  out  on  the  Assessor, 

[220] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

he  succeeded  in  salting  away  numerous  Ko 
pecks  in  one  corner  of  the  Safe. 

While  in  Chicago  to  buy  his  Winter 
Stock,  he  bargained  for  two  days  and  finally 
bought  a  Cottage  Melodeon,  with  the  Stool 
thrown  in. 

Jennie  would  sit  up  and  pump  for  Hours 
at  a  time,  happy  in  the  knowledge  that  she 
had  drawn  the  Capital  Prize  in  the  Lottery 
of  Hymen. 

In  the  year  1886  there  was  some  Church 
Wedding  at  the  County-Seat. 

Frances,  daughter  of  Hiram  and  Jennie, 
had  knocked  the  Town  a  Twister  when  she 
came  home  from  the  Female  College  wear 
ing  Bangs  and  toting  a  Tennis  Racquet. 

All  the  local  Gallants,  with  Cocoa-Oil 
in  their  hair  and  Rings  on  their  Cravats, 
backed  into  the  Shubbery. 

Hiram  had  bought  her  about  $1800  worth 
of  Hauteur  at  the  select  Institution  of 

[221] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Learning.  All  she  had  to  do  was  look  at  a 
Villager  through  her  Nose-Specs  and  he 
would  curl  up  like  an  Autumn  Leaf. 

A  Cuss  from  Chicago  came  to  see  her 
every  two  weeks. 

His  Trousers  seemed  to  be  choking  him. 
The  Pompadour  was  protected  by  a  Derby 
of  the  Fried-Egg  species.  It  was  the  kind 
that  Joe  Weber  helped  to  keep  in  Public 
Remembrance.  But  in  1886  it  was  de  Ri- 
geur,  au  Fait,  and  a  la  mode. 

Frances  would  load  the  hateful  City 
Chap  into  the  high  Cart  and  exhibit  him 
up  and  dowrn  all  the  Residence  Thorough 
fares. 

On  nearly  every  Front  Porch  some  Girl 
whose  Father  was  not  interested  in  the 
First  National  Bank  wrould  peer  out  through 
the  Morning  Glories  at  the  Show-off  and 
then  writhe  like  an  Angle- Worm. 

The  Wedding  was  the  biggest  thing  that 

[222] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

had  struck  the  town  since  Forepaugh 
stopped  over  on  his  way  from  Peoria  to 
Decatur. 

Frances  was  not  a  popular  Girl,  on  ac 
count  of  being  so  Uppish,  so  those  who 
could  not  fight  their  way  into  the  Church 
climbed  up  and  looked  through  the  Win 
dows. 

The  Groom  wore  a  Swallow-Tail. 

Most  of  those  present  had  seen  Pictures 
of  the  Dress  Suit.  In  the  Fireside  Compan 
ion,  the  Gentleman  wearing  one  always  had 
Curls,  and  the  Wood-Engraving  caught  him 
in  the  act  of  striking  a  Lady  in  the  Face 
and  saying  "Curse  you!" 

The  Feeling  at  the  County-Seat  was  that 
Frances  had  taken  a  Desperate  Chance. 

The  caterer  with  Colored  Help  in  White 
Gloves,  the  ruby  Punch  suspected  of  con 
taining  Liquor,  the  Japanese  Lanterns  at 
tached  to  the  Maples,  the  real  Lace  in  the 

[223] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Veil,  the  glittering  Array  of  Pickle-Jars, 
and  a  well-defined  Rumor  that  most  of 
the  imported  Ushers  had  been  Stewed,  gave 
the  agitated  Hamlet  something  to  blat  about 
for  many  and  many  a  day. 

The  Bachelor  of  Arts  grabbed  off  by  the 
daughter  of  Jennie  and  the  Grand-daughter 
of  Susan  was  the  owner  of  Real  Estate  in 
the  congested  Business  District  of  a  Town 
which  came  into  Public  Attention  later  on 
through  the  efforts  of  Frank  Chance. 

His  front  name  was  Willoughby,  but 
Frances  always  called  him  "Dear,"  no  mat 
ter  what  she  happened  to  be  thinking  at 
the  time. 

Part  of  State  Street  had  been  wished  on 
to  Willoughby.  He  was  afraid  to  sell,  not 
knowing  how  to  reinvest. 

So  he  sat  back  and  played  safe.  With 
growing  Delight  he  watched  the  Unearned 
Increment  piling  up  on  every  Corner.  He 

[2241 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

began  to  see  that  he  would  be  fairly  busy 
all  his  life,  jacking  up  Rents. 

The  Red-Brick  Fortress  to  which  he  con 
ducted  Frances  had  Stone  Steps  in  front 
and  a  secret  Entrance  for  lowly  Trades 
people  at  the  rear. 

Willoughby  and  his  wife  had  the  high 
courage  of  Youth  and  the  Financial  Sup 
port  of  all  the  Money  Spenders  along  State 
Street,  so  they  started  in  on  Period  Decora 
tion.  Each  Room  in  the  House  was  sup 
posed  to  stand  for  a  Period.  Some  of  them 
stood  for  a  good  deal. 

A  few  of  the  Periods  looked  like  Excla 
mation  Points. 

The  young  couple  disregarded  the  Toll- 
Gate  Period  and  the  Log-Cabin  Period,  but 
they  worked  in  every  one  of  the  Louies  un 
til  the  Gilt  Furniture  gave  out. 

The  delighted  Caller  at  the  House  beside 
the  Lake  would  pass  from  an  East  Indian 

[225] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Corridor  through  an  Early  Colonial  Ante- 
Room  into  a  Japanese  Boudoir  and,  after 
resting  his  Hat,  would  be  escorted  into 
the  Italian  Renaissance  Drawing-Room  to 
meet  the  Hostess.  From  this  exquisite 
Apartment,  which  ate  up  one  year's  Rent 
of  a  popular  Buffet  near  Van  Buren  Street, 
there  could  be  obtained  a  ravishing  glimpse 
of  the  Turkish  Cozy  Corner  beyond,  includ 
ing  the  Battle-Axes  and  the  Red  Lamp. 

Frances  soon  began  to  hob-nob  with  the 
most  delicatessen  Circles,  including  Fam 
ilies  that  dated  back  to  the  Fire  of  1871. 

She  was  not  at  all  Dizzy,  even  when  she 
looked  down  from  the  Mountain  Peak  at 
her  happy  Birthplace,  15,000  feet  below. 

Willoughby  turned  out  to  be  a  satisfac 
tory  Housemate.  His  Voltage  was  not 
high,  but  he  always  ate  Peas  with  a  Fork 
and  never  pulled  at  the  Leash  when  taken 
to  a  Musicale. 

FtMl 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

In  front  of  each  Ear  he  carried  a  neat 
Area  of  Human  Ivy,  so  that  he  could  speak 
up  at  a  Meeting  of  Directors.  Until  the 
year  1895,  the  restricted  Side- Whisker  was 
an  accepted  Trade-Mark  of  Commercial 
Probity. 

This  facial  Landscaping,  the  Frock  Coat, 
and  a  steadfast  devotion  to  Toilet  Soap 
made  him  suitable  for  Exhibition  Purposes. 

Frances  became  almost  fond  of  him,  after 
the  Honeymoon  evaporated  and  their  Ro 
mance  ripened  into  Acquaintanceship. 

It  was  a  gladsome  day  for  both  when  she 
traced  the  Dope  back  through  Swigget 
County,  Pennsylvania,  and  discovered  that 
she  was  an  honest-to-goodness  Daughter  of 
the  American  Revolution. 

Willoughby  could  not  ask  a  representa 
tive  of  good  old  Colonial  Stock  to  ride 
around  in  a  stingy  Coupe  with  a  Coon 
planted  out  on  the  Weather-Seat. 

[  227  ] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

He  changed  the  Terms  in  several  Leases 
and  was  enabled  to  slip  her  a  hot  Surprise 
on  the  Birthday. 

When  she  came  down  the  Steps  for  the 
usual  bowl  along  the  Avenue,  so  as  to  get 
some  Fresh  Smoke,  she  beheld  a  rubber- 
tired  Victoria,  drawn  by  two  expensive 
Bang-Tails  in  jingly  Harness  and  surmounted 
by  important  Turks  in  overwhelming  Livery. 

She  was  so  trancified  with  Delight  that 
she  went  right  over  to  Willoughby  and  gave 
him  a  Sweet  Kiss,  after  looking  about  rather 
carefully  for  the  exposed  portion  of  the 
Frontispiece. 

Frances  did  a  lot  of  Calling  within  the 
next  two  weeks,  and  to  all  those  who  re 
marked  upon  the  Smartness  of  the  Equi 
page,  she  declared  that  the  Man  she  had  to 
put  up  with  carried  a  Throbbing  Heart  even 
if  he  was  an  Intellectual  Midget. 

In  the  year  1913,  a  slender  Young  Thing, 

[228] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

all  of  whose  Habiliments  seemed  melting 
and  dripping  downward,  came  wearily  from 
Stateroom  B  as  the  Train  pulled  into  Reno, 
Nevada. 

She  seemed  quite  alone,  except  for  a 
couple  of  Maids. 

After  she  had  given  Directions  concern 
ing  the  nine  Wardrobe  Trunks  and  the 
Live  Stock,  she  was  motored  to  a  specially 
reserved  Cottage  at  the  corner  of  Liberty 
Street  and  Hope  Avenue. 

Next  day  she  sat  at  the  other  side  of  a 
Table  from  a  Lawyer,  removing  the  poisoned 
Javelins  from  her  fragile  Person  and  hold 
ing  them  up  before  the  shuddering  Shy 
ster. 

She  had  a  Tale  of  Woe  calculated  to  pulp 
a  Heart  of  Stone.  In  blocking  out  the 
Affidavit,  her  sympathetic  Attorney  made 
Pencil  Notes  as  follows : 

Her   name   was   Ethel   Louise,   favorite 

*  f  229  1 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Daughter  of  Willoughby  and  Frances,  the 
well-known  Blue-Bloods  of  the  Western 
Metropolis. 

She  had  finished  off  at  Miss  Sniffie's  ex 
clusive  School,  which  overlooks  the  Hudson 
and  the  Common  School  Branches. 

After  she  learned  to  enter  a  B  all-Room 
and  while  on  her  way  to  attack  Europe  for 
the  third  time,  the  Viper  crossed  her  Path 
way. 

She  accepted  him  because  his  name  was 
Hubert,  he  looked  like  an  Englishman,  and 
one  of  his  Ancestors  turned  the  water  into 
Chesapeake  Bay. 

While  some  of  the  Wedding  Guests  were 
still  in  the  Hospital,  he  began  to  practice 
the  most  diabolical  Cruelties. 

He  induced  her  to  get  on  his  Yacht  and 
go  cruising  through  the  Mediterranean  when 
she  wanted  to  take  an  Apartment  in  Paris. 

At  Monte  Carlo  he  scolded  her  for  bor- 

[230] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

rowing  3000  Francs  from  a  Russian  Grand 
Duke  after  she  went  broke  at  bucking  the 
Wheel.  She  had  met  the  Duke  at  a  Lunch 
eon  the  day  before  and  his  Manners  were 
perfect. 

The  Lawyer  said  that  Hubert  was  a  Pup, 
beyond  all  Cavil. 

Cairo,  Egypt,  yielded  up  another  Dark 
Chapter  of  History. 

It  came  out  in  the  sobbing  Recital  that 
Hubert  had  presented  her  with  a  $900 
prize-winning  Pomeranian,  directly  related 
to  the  famous  Fifi,  owned  by  the  Countess 
Skidoogan  of  Bilcarty. 

Later  on,  he  seemed  to  feel  that  the  Pom 
eranian  had  come  between  him  and  Ethel. 
The  Situation  became  more  and  more  tense, 
and  finally,  one  day  in  Egypt,  within  plain 
sight  of  the  majestic  Pyramids,  he  kicked 
Precious  ever  so  hard  and  raised  quite  a 
Swelling. 

[231] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  Legal  Adviser  said  Death  was  too 
good  for  such  a  Fiend. 

In  Vienna,  though,  that  was  where  he 
went  so  far  that  Separation  became  in 
evitable. 

Ethel  had  decided  to  take  an  $80,000 
Pearl  Necklace  she  had  seen  in  a  Window. 
It  was  easily  worth  that  much,  and  she  felt 
sure  she  could  get  it  in  without  paying  Duty. 
She  had  been  very  successful  at  bringing 
things  Home. 

She  could  hardly  believe  her  Ears  when 
Hubert  told  her  to  forget  it  and  back  up 
and  come  out  of  the  Spirit  World  and  alight 
on  the  Planet  Earth. 

He  had  been  Heartless  on  previous  Oc 
casions,  but  this  was  the  first  time  he  had 
been  Mean  enough  to  renig  on  a  mere  side- 
issue  such  as  coming  across  with  the  Loose 
Change. 

Ethel  was  simply  de-termined  to  have  that 

[232] 


SUSAN  AND  THE  DAUGHTER 

Necklace,  but  the  unfeeling  Whelp  tried  to 
kid  her  out  of  the  Notion. 

Then  he  started  in  to  Pike.  He  sug 
gested  a  $20,000  Tarara  of  Rubies  and  Dia 
monds  as  a  Compromise.  Ethel  became 
wise  to  the  fact  that  she  had  joined  out 
with  a  Wad. 

While  she  was  pulling  a  daily  Sick  Head 
ache  in  the  hope  of  bringing  him  to  Taw,  the 
Maharajah  of  Umslopagus  came  along  and 
bought  the  Necklace. 

That  was  when  Ethel  had  to  be  taken  to 
a  Rest  Cure  in  the  Austrian  Tyrol,  and  she 
never  had  been  the  Same  Woman  since. 

To  all  who  had  come  pleading  for  Recon 
ciliation,  Ethel  had  simply  hung  out  the 
Card,  "Nothing  Doing." 

After  a  Brute  has  jumped  up  and  down  on 
the  Aching  Heart  of  a  Girl  of  proud  Lineage 
he  can't  square  himself  in  1,000,000  years. 

So  said  Ethel,  between  the  flowing  Tears. 

[  233  ] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Furthermore,  there  had  been  hopeless 
Incompatibility.  In  all  the  time  they  were 
together,  they  never  had  been  able  to  agree 
on  a  Turkish  Cigarette. 

The  professional  Home-Blaster  said  she 
had  enough  on  Hubert  to  get  her  four  Di 
vorces.  The  Decree  would  be  a  Pipe. 

Ethel  said  she  hoped  so  and  to  please 
push  it  along,  as  she  had  quite  a  Waiting- 
List. 

MORAL:  Rufus  had  no  business  buy 
ing  the  Clock. 


1234] 


He  tore  up  the  Medal  Score,  gave  all  the  Clubs 
to  the  Caddy  .  .  .  lifted  a  grimy  Paw  and  uttered 
the  Vow  of  Renunciation 


THE  NEW  FABLE  OF  THE  SCOFFER 

WHO  FELL  HARD  AND  THE 

WOMAN  SITTING  BY 

ONE  day  in  the  pink  dawn  of  the  present 
Century,  a  man  with  his  Hair  neatly  set 
back  around  the  Ears  and  the  usual  Blood 
Pressure  was  whizzing  through  a  suburban 
Lonesomeness  on  a  teetering  Trolley.  The 
name  of  the  man  was  Mr.  Pallzey.  He  had 
a  desk  with  a  Concern  that  did  merchan 
dizing  in  a  large  way. 

Mr.  Pallzey  feared  Socialism  and  carried 
his  Wife's  Picture  in  his  Watch  and  wore 
Plasters.  In  other  words,  he  was  Normal, 
believing  nearly  everything  that  appeared 
in  the  Papers. 

While  the  Dog-Fennel  was  softly  brush- 

[237] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ing  the  Foot-Board  and  the  Motor  was 
purring  consistently  beneath,  Mr.  Pallzey 
looked  over  into  a  close-cropped  Pasture 
and  became  the  alert  Eye- Witness  of  some 
very  weird  Doings. 

He  saw  a  pop-eyed  Person  in  soiled  Neg 
lige,  who  made  threatening  movements 
toward  something  concealed  in  the  White 
Clover,  with  a  Weapon  resembling  the  iron 
Dingus  used  in  gouging  the  Clinkers  from 
a  Furnace. 

"What  is  the  plot  of  the  Piece?"  he  in 
quired  of  a  Grand  Army  man,  sitting  next. 

"I  think,"  replied  the  Veteran,  "I  think 
he  is  killing  a  Garter  Snake." 

"Oh,  no,"  spoke  up  the  conversational 
Conductor,  "He  is  playing  Golluf,"  giv 
ing  the  word  the  Terre  Haute  pronuncia 
tion. 

Mr.  Pallzey  looked  with  pity  on  the  poor 
Nut  who  was  out  in  the  Hot  Sun,  getting 

[238] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

himself  all  lathered  up  with  One-Man 
Shinny. 

He  said  to  G.  A.  R.  that  it  took  all  kinds 
of  People  to  make  a  World.  The  grizzled 
Warrior  rose  to  an  equal  Altitude  by  re 
marking  that  if  the  dag-goned  Loon  had 
to  do  it  for  a  Living,  he'd  think  it  was  Work. 

Mr.  Pallzey  had  heard  of  the  new  Diver 
sion  for  the  Idle  Rich,  just  as  people  out  in 
the  Country  hear  of  Milk-Sickness  or  fall 
ing  Meteors,  both  well  authenticated  but 
never  encountered. 

While  rummaging  through  the  Sporting 
Page,  he  would  come  across  a  cryptic  Ref 
erence  to  MacFearson  of  Drumtochtie  be 
ing  3  up  and  2  to  play  on  Hargis  of  Sunset 
Ho,  whereupon  he  would  experience  a  sense 
of  annoyance  and  do  a  quick  Hurdle. 

He  had  seen  in  various  Shop-Windows 
the  spindly  Utensils  and  snowy  Pellets 
which,  he  had  reason  to  believe,  were  affili- 

[239] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ated  in  some  way  with  the  sickening  Fad. 
He  would  look  at  them  with  extreme  Con 
tempt  and  rather  resent  their  contaminat 
ing  contiguity  to  the  Mask,  the  Shin-Guard, 
and  the  upholstered  Grabber. 

Mr.  Pallzey  believed  that  Golf  was 
played  by  the  kind  of  White  Rabbits  who 
March  in  Suffrage  Parades,  wearing  Gloves. 

The  dreaded  Thing  lay  outside  of  his 
Orbit  and  beyond  his  Ken,  the  same  as 
Tatting  or  Biology.  His  conception  of  a 
keen  and  sporty  game  was  Pin  Pool  or 
Jacks  Only  with  the  Deuce  running  wild. 

One  Sunday  he  was  invited  out  to  a  Food 
Saturnalia  at  a  Country  Place.  The  Din 
ner  was  postponed  until  late  in  the  Day 
because  they  all  dreaded  it  so  much .  . 

Friend  Host  said  he  had  a  twosome  on 
at  the  Club  and  was  trying  out  an  imported 
Cleek,  so  he  invited  Mr.  Pallzey  to  be  a 
Spectator. 

[240] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

If  he  had  said  that  he  was  going  up  in  a 
Balloon  to  hemstitch  a  couple  of  Clouds,  it 
would  have  sounded  just  as  plausible  to 
Mr.  Pallzey  of  the  Wholesale  District. 

The  latter  went  along,  just  out  of  Po 
liteness,  but  he  was  a  good  deal  disap 
pointed  in  his  Friend.  It  certainly  did 
seem  trifling  for  a  Huskie  weighing  one  hun 
dred  and  eighty  to  pick  on  something  about 
the  size  of  a  Robin's  Egg. 

Mr.  Pallzey  played  Gallery  all  around 
the  Course.  He  would  stand  behind  them 
at  the  Tee  and  smile  in  a  most  calm  and 
superior  Manner  while  they  sand-shuffled 
and  shifted  and  jiggled  and  joggled  and 
went  through  the  whole  calisthenic  Ritual 
of  St.  Vitus. 

He  was  surprised  to  note  how  far  the  Ball 
would  speed  when  properly  spanked,  but 
he  thought  there  was  no  valid  excuse  for 
overrunning  on  the  Approaches. 

[241] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Mr.  Pallzey  found  himself  criticizing  the 
Form  of  the  Players.  That  should  have 
been  his  Cue  to  climb  the  Fence. 

All  of  the  Mashiemaniacs  start  on  the 
downward  Path  by  making  Mind-Plays 
and  getting  under  Bogey. 

Back  on  the  sloping  Sward  between  No. 
18  and  the  Life-Saving  Station,  the  two 
Contestants  were  holding  the  usual  Post- 
Mortem. 

"Let  me  see  that  Dewflicker  a  minute," 
said  Mr.  Pallzey,  as  he  carelessly  extracted 
a  Mid-iron. 

He  sauntered  up  to  the  silly  Globule 
and  took  an  unpremeditated  Swipe.  The 
Stroke  rang  sweet  and  vibrant.  The  ball 
rose  in  parabolic  Splendor  above  the  high 
est  branches  of  a  venerable  Elm. 

Just  as  the  Face  of  the  Club  started  on 
the  Follow  Through,  the  Bacillus  ran  up 
and  bit  Mr.  Pallzey  on  the  Leg. 

[242] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

He  saw  the  blinking  White  Spot  far  out 
on  the  emerald  Plain.  He  heard  the  mur 
mur  of  Admiration  behind  him.  He  was 
sorry  his  Wife  had  not  been  there  to  take 
it  in. 

"Leave  me  have  another  Ball,"  requested 
Mr.  Pallzey. 

The  Virus  was  working. 

He  backed  up  so  as  to  get  a  Running 
Start. 

"This  time,"  quoth  Mr.  Pallzey,  "I  will 
push  it  to  Milwaukee." 

Missing  the  Object  of  Attack  by  a  scant 
six  inches,  he  did  a  Genee  toe-spin  and  fell 
heavily  with  his  Face  among  the  Dande 
lions. 

The  Host  brushed  him  off  and  said: 
:<  Your  Stance  was  wrong;  your  Tee  was  too 
high;  you  raised  the  Left  Shoulder;  you 
were  too  rapid  on  the  Come-Back;  the 
Grip  was  all  in  the  Left  Hand;  you  looked 

[243] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

up;  you  moved  your  Head  at  the  top  of 
the  Stroke;  you  allowed  the  Left  Knee  to 
turn,  and  you  stood  ahead  of  the  Ball. 
Otherwise,  it  was  a  Loo-Loo." 

"If  I  come  out  next  Sunday  could  you 
borrow  me  a  Kit  of  Tools?"  asked  Mr. 
Pallzey.  He  was  twitching  violently  and 
looking  at  the  Ball  as  if  it  had  called  him  a 
Name.  "I  got  that  first  one  all  right,  and 
I  think  -  -  " 

So  it  was  arranged  that  the  poor  doomed 
Creature  was  to  appear  on  the  following 
Sabbath  and  be  equipped  with  a  set  of 
Cast-Offs  and  learn  all  about  the  Mystery 
of  the  Ages  between  11  A.  M.  and  2  P.  M. 

Mr.  Pallzey  went  away  not  knowing  that 
he  was  a  Marked  Man. 

On  Monday  he  told  the  Stenographer 
how  he  stung  the  Ball  the  first  time  up.  He 
said  he  was  naturally  quick  at  picking  up 
any  kind  of  a  Game.  He  thought  it  would 

[244] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

be  a  Lark  to  get  the  hang  of  the  Whole 
Business  and  then  get  after  some  of  those 
Berties  in  the  White  Pants.  He  figured 
that  Golf  would  be  soft  for  any  one  who 
had  played  Baseball  when  young. 

Truly  all  the  raving  is  not  done  within 
the  Padded  Cells. 

He  came  home  in  the  Sabbath  Twilight, 
walking  on  his  Ankles  and  babbling  about 
a  Dandy  Drive  for  the  Long  Hole. 

Regarding  the  other  378  Strokes  he  was 
discreetly  silent. 

He  told  his  Wife  there  was  more  in  it 
than  one  would  suppose.  The  Easier  the 
Swat,  the  greater  the  Carry.  And  he  had 
made  one  Hole  in  seven. 

Then  he  took  a  Parasol  out  of  the  Jar, 
and  illustrated  the  famous  Long  Drive 
with  Moving  Pictures,  Tableaux,  Delsarte, 
and  some  newly  acquired  technical  Drivel, 
which  he  mouthed  with  childish  Delight. 

[2451 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Now  we  see  him  buying  Clubs,  although 
he  refers  to  them  as  Sticks — proving  that  he 
is  still  a  groping  Neophyte. 

He  thinks  that  a  shorter  Shaft  and  more 
of  a  Lay-Back  will  enable  him  to  drive  a 
Mile.  The  Gooseneck  Putter  will  save  him 
two  on  every  Hole.  Also,  will  the  Man 
please  show  him  an  Iron  guaranteed  to  reach 
all  the  way  down  to  the  Dimple  and  plunk 
it  right  in  the  Eye. 

Then  all  of  the  new  Implements  laid  out 
at  Home  and  Wife  sitting  back,  listening 
to  a  Lecture  as  to  what  will  be  pulled  off  on 
the  succeeding  Day  of  Rest. 

She  had  promised  at  the  Altar  to  Love, 
Honor,  and  Listen.  Still,  it  was  trying  to 
see  the  once-loved  Adult  cavorting  on  the 
verge  of  Dementia  and  know  that  she  was 
helpless. 

He  sallied  forth  with  those  going  to  Early 
Mass,  and  returned  at  the  Vesper  Hour 

[246] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

caked  with  Dust  and  98  per  cent,  gone  in 
the  Turret. 

It  seems  that  at  the  sixth  hole  on  the  Last 
Round  where  you  cross  the  Crick  twice,  he 
fell  down  and  broke  both  Arms  and  both 
Legs.  So  he  tore  up  the  Medal  Score,  gave 
all  the  Clubs  to  the  Caddy,  and  standing 
on  the  grassy  Summit  of  the  tall  Ridge 
guarding  the  Bunker,  he  had  lifted  a  grimy 
Paw  and  uttered  the  Vow  of  Renuncia 
tion. 

In  other  words,  he  was  Through. 

The  senile  Wrecks  and  the  prattling  Juve 
niles,  for  whom  the  Game  was  invented, 
could  have  his  Part  of  it  for  all  time. 

Never  again  would  he  walk  on  the  Grass 
or  cook  his  Arms  or  dribble  Sand  all  over 
the  dark  and  trampled  Ground  where  count 
less  Good  Men  had  suffered. 

No,  Indeed! 

So  next  day  he  bought  all  the  Parapher- 

[247] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

nalia  known  to  the  Trade,  and  his  name  was 
put  up  at  a  Club. 

It  was  one  of  those  regular  and  sure- 
enough  Clubs.  High  East  Winds  prevailed 
in  the  Locker-Room.  Every  member  was 
a  Chick  Evans  when  he  got  back  to  the 
nineteenth  hole. 

Mr.  Pallzey  now  began  to  regard  the 
Ancient  and  Honorable  Pastime  as  a  com 
pendium  of  Sacraments,  Ordeals,  Incan 
tations,  and  Ceremonial  Formalities. 

He  resigned  himself  into  the  Custody  of 
a  professional  Laddie  with  large  staring 
Knuckles  and  a  Dialect  that  dimmed  all 
the  memories  of  Lauder. 

In  a  short  time  the  Form  was  classy,  but 
the  Score  had  to  be  taken  out  and  buried 
after  every  Round. 

Mr.  Pallzey  saw  that  this  Mundane  Ex 
istence  was  not  all  Pleasure.  He  had  found 
his  Life- Work.  The  Lode-Star  of  his  de- 

[248] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

clining  Years  would  be  an  even  one  hundred 
for  the  eighteen  Flags. 

Wife  would  see  him  out  in  the  Street, 
feeling  his  way  along,  totally  unmindful 
of  his  Whereabouts.  She  would  lead  him 
into  the  Shade,  snap  her  Fingers,  call  his 
Name,  and  gradually  pull  him  out  of  the 
Trance. 

He  would  look  at  her  with  a  filmy  Gaze  and 
smile  faintly,  as  if  partly  remembering  and 
then  say:  "Don't  forget  to  follow  through. 
Keep  the  head  down— tight  with  the  left — no 
hunching— pivot  on  the  hips.  For  a  Cuppy 
Lie,  take  the  Nib.  If  running  up  with  the 
Jigger,  drop  her  dead.  The  full  St.  Andrews 
should  not  be  thrown  into  a  Putt.  Never 
up,  never  in.  Lift  the  flag.  Take  a  pickout 
from  Casual  Water  but  play  the  Road 
ways.  To  overcome  Slicing  or  Pulling,  ad 
vance  the  right  or  left  Foot.  Schlaffing 
and  Socketing  may  be  avoided  by  adding 

[2491 


ADE'S  FABLES 

a  hook  with  a  top-spin  or  vice  versa.  The 
Man  says  there  are  twenty-six  Things  to  be 
remembered  in  Driving  from  the  Tee.  One 
is  Stance.  I  forget  the  other  twenty -five." 

Then  the  Partner  of  his  Joys  and  Sorrows, 
with  the  accent  on  the  Debit  Side,  would 
shoot  twenty  Grains  of  Asperin  into  him 
and  plant  him  in  the  Flax. 

Next  morning  at  Breakfast  he  would 
break  it  to  her  that  the  Brassie  had  devel 
oped  too  much  of  a  Whip  and  he  had  de 
cided  to  try  a  forty-inch  Shaft. 

They  had  Seasoned  Hickory  for  Break 
fast,  Bunkers  for  Luncheon,  and  the  Fair 
Green  for  Dinner. 

As  a  matter  of  course  they  had  to  give 
up  their  comfortable  Home  among  the 
Friends  who  had  got  used  to  them  and  move 
out  to  a  strawboard  Bungalow  so  as  to  be 
near  the  Execution  Grounds. 

Mrs.  Pallzey  wanted  to  do  the  White 

[250] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

Mountains,  but  Mr.  Pallzey  needed  her. 
He  wanted  her  to  be  waiting  on  the  Veranda 
at  Dusk,  so  that  he  could  tell  her  all  about 
it,  from  the  preliminary  Address  to  the 
final  Foozle. 

Sometimes  he  would  come  home  envel 
oped  in  a  foglike  Silence  which  would  last 
beyond  early  Candle  Lighting,  when  he 
would  express  the  Opinion  that  the  Ad 
ministration  at  Washington  had  proved  a 
Failure. 

Perhaps  the  very  next  Evening  he  would 
lope  all  the  way  up  the  Gravel  and  breeze 
into  her  presence,  smelling  like  a  warm  gust 
of  Air  from  Dundee. 

He  would  ask  her  to  throw  an  Amber 
Light  on  the  Big  Hero.  He  would  call  her 
"Kid"  and  say  that  Vardon  had  nothing 
on  him.  Her  man  was  the  Gink  to  show 
that  Pill  how  to  take  a  Joke. 

Then  she  would  know  that  he  had  won  a 

[251] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Box  of  Balls  from  Mrs.  Talbot's  poor  old 
crippled  Father-in-Law. 

She  could  read  him  like  a  Barometer. 
If  he  and  Mr.  Hilgus,  the  Real  Estate  Man, 
came  home  together  fifteen  feet  apart,  she 
would  know  it  had  been  a  Jolly  Day  on  the 
Links. 

By  the  second  summer,  Mr.  Pallzey  had 
worked  up  until  he  was  allowed  to  use  a 
Shower  Bath  once  hallowed  by  the  presence 
of  Jerome  Tr avers. 

He  was  not  exactly  a  Duffer.  He  was 
what  might  be  called  a  sub-Duffer,  or  Var 
nish,  which  means  that  the  Committee  was 
ashamed  to  mark  up  the  Handicap. 

He  still  had  a  good  many  superfluous 
Hands  and  Feet  and  was  bleeding  freely 
on  every  Green. 

Sometimes  he  would  last  as  far  as  the 
Water-Hazard  and  then  sink  with  a  Bub 
bling  Cry. 

[252] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

Notwithstanding  which,  he  kept  on  trying 
to  look  like  the  Photographs  of  Ouimet. 

If  he  spun  into  the  High  Spinach  off 
at  the  Right  it  was  Tough  Luck.  If  he 
whanged  aw^ay  with  a  Niblick  down  in  a 
bottomless  Pit,  caromed  on  a  couple  of 
Oaks,  and  finally  angled  off  toward  the 
Cup,  he  would  go  around  for  Days  talking 
about  Some  Shot. 

As  his  Ambition  increased,  his  Mental 
Arithmetic  became  more  and  more  defective 
and  his  Moral  Nature  was  wholly  atrophied. 

As  an  Exponent  of  the  more  advanced 
Play  he  was  a  Fliv,  but  as  a  Matchmaker 
he  was  a  Hum-Dinger. 

He  knew^  he  \vas  plain  pastry  for  the 
Sharks,  so  he  would  hang  around  the  first 
Tee  waiting  to  cop  out  a  Pudding. 

One  day  he  took  on  Mrs.  Olmstead's 
Infant  Son,  just  home  from  Military  School. 

The  tender  Cadet  nursed  him  along  to 

[253] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

an  even-up  at  the  Punch-Bowl  and  then 
proceeded  to  smear  His  vital  Organs  all 
over  the  Bad  Lands. 

That  evening  Mr.  Pallzey  told  her  she 
would  have  to  cut  down  on  Household 
Expenses. 

Six  years,  after  he  gave  up  the  Business 
Career  and  consecrated  himself  to  some 
thing  more  Important,  Mr.  Pallzey  had  so 
well  mastered  the  baffling  Intricacies  that 
he  was  allowed  to  trail  in  a  Foursome  with 
the  President  of  the  Club.  This  happened 
once. 

It  is  well  known  that  any  Person  who 
mooches  around  a  Country  Club  for  a  suf 
ficient  Period  will  have  some  kind  of  a  Cup 
wished  on  to  him. 

Fourteen  years  after  Mr.  Pallzey  threw 
himself  into  it,  Heart  and  Soul,  and  when 
the  Expenses  approximated  $30,000,  he 
earned  his  Halo. 

[254] 


THE  SCOFFER  WHO  FELL  HARD 

One  evening  he  came  back  to  his  haggard 
Companion,  chortling  infant-wise,  and  dis 
played  something  which  looked  like  an  Eye- 
Cup  with  Handles  on  it. 

He  said  it  was  a  Trophy.  It  was  a  Con 
solation  Offering  for  Maidens  with  an  al 
lowance  of  more  than  eighteen. 

After  that  their  daily  Life  revolved 
around  the  $2  bargain  in  Britannia.  Mrs. 
Pallzey  had  to  use  Metal  Polish  on  it  to 
keep  it  from  turning  black. 

When  the  Visitors  lined  up  in  front  of 
the  Mantel  and  gazed  at  the  tiny  Shaving 
Mug,  the  Cellar  Champion  of  the  World 
would  regale  them  with  the  story  of  hair 
breadth  'Scapes  and  moving  Adventures  by 
Gravel  Gulleys  and  rushing  Streams  on  the 
Memorable  Day  when  he  (Pallzey)  had  put 
the  Blocks  to  Old  Man  McLaughlin,  since 
deceased. 

Then  he  would  ask  all  present  to  feel  of 

[255] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

his  Forearm,  after  which  he  would  pull  the 
Favorite  One  about  Golf  adding  ten  years 
to  his  life. 

Mrs.  Pallzey  would  be  sitting  back,  pour 
ing  Tea,  but  she  never  chimed  in  with  any 
Estimate  as  to  what  had  been  the  effect  on 
her  Table  of  Expectations. 

MORAL:  Remain  under  the  Awning. 


[256] 


THE   NEW   FABLE   OF   THE   LONE 
SOME   CAMP   ON  THE 
FROZEN  HEIGHTS 

ELAM  was  the  main  Whizzer  in  a  huddle 
of  Queen  Annes,  bounded  on  the  North  by 
a  gleaming  Cemetery,  on  the  East  by  a 
limping  subdivision,  on  the  South  by  a  de 
serted  Creamery,  and  on  the  West  by  an 
expanse  of  Stubble. 

Claudine  was  the  other  two-thirds  of  the 
Specialty. 

She  was  a  snappy  little  Trick  and  it  was 
a  dull  hour  of  the  Day  or  Night  when  she 
couldn't  frame  up  a  new  General  Order  for 
the  Breadwinner. 

The  Marriage  came  off  during  the  third 
summer  of  her  twenty-seventh  year. 

[257] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

She  accepted  Elam  about  a  week  before 
he  proposed  to  her,  thus  simplifying  the 
Ordeal. 

While  the  Wafer  on  the  License  was  still 
warm,  she  put  on  her  spangled  Suit,  moved 
to  the  centre  of  the  Ring,  and  cracked  the 
Whip. 

After  that  Elam  continued  to  be  a  Hellion 
around  the  Office,  but  in  his  private  Quarters 
he  was  merely  Otto,  the  Trained  Seal. 

Claudine  could  make  him  Bark,  play  the 
Cymbals,  or  go  back  to  the  Blue  Bench. 

There  is  one  Elam  in  every  Settlement. 

All  the  wise  Paper-hangers  and  the  fly 
Guitar  Players  had  him  marked  up  as  a 
Noodle,  but  somehow,  every  time  the  win 
ning  Numbers  were  hung  out,  he  would  be 
found  in  Line,  waiting  to  Cash. 

He  was  not  Bright  enough  to  do  any 
thing  except  garner  the  Gold  Certificates. 

Elam  had  no  Ear  for  Music,  and,  coming 

[258] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

out  of  the  Opera  House,  never  could  re 
member  the  name  of  the  Play  or  which  one 
of  the  Burglars  was  the  real  Hero. 

His  Reading  was  confined  to  the  Head 
lines  of  a  conservative  Paper  which  was 
still  printing  War  News. 

Baseball  had  not  come  into  his  Life 
whatsoever. 

A  cultured  Steno,  who  knew  about 
George  Meredith  and  Arnold  Bennett,  had 
to  do  his  Spelling  for  him  at  14  Bucks  per. 

The  Cerebellum  of  Elam  was  probably 
about  the  dimensions  of  a  Malaga  Grape. 

Sizing  him  by  his  Looks,  one  would  have 
opined  that  Nature  meant  him  for  a  Ticket- 
taker  in  a  suburban  Cinema  Palace. 

Elam  was  a  mental  Gnat  and  a  spiritual 
Microbe,  but  the  Geezer  knew  how  to  annex 
the  Kale. 

When  Providence  is  directing  the  Hand 
outs,  she  very  often  slips  some  Squarehead 

[259] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

the  canny  Gift  of  corraling  the  Cush,  but 
holds  out  all  of  the  desirable  Attributes 
supposed  to  distinguish  Man  from  what 
you  see  in  the  Cages  at  the  Zoo. 

After  the  Pater  had  earned  his  Shaft  in 
the  Cemetery,  Elam  became  the  Loud  Noise 
around  a  dinky  Manufacturing  Plant  down 
by  the  Yards. 

The  Cracker  Barrel  Coterie  and  all  the 
Old  Ladies  who  had  become  muscle-bound 
from  wielding  the  Sledge  predicted  that 
Elam  would  put  the  Organization  into  the 
Ditch,  wrong  side  up. 

The  Well-wishers,  the  Brotherly  Lovers, 
and  the  total  membership  of  the  Helping 
Hand  Society  sat  back  waiting  for  Elam 
to  be  dug  out  of  the  Debris,  so  they  could 
collect  Witness  Fees  at  the  Autopsy. 

The  Junior  earned  their  abiding  Dislike 
by  putting  one  across. 

He  made  the  Fossils  sit  up  in  their  padded 

[260] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

Rocking  Chairs  and  pay  some  attention  to 
the  Idiot  Child. 

He  never  could  hold  down  any  Position 
until  tried  out  for  a  Captain  of  Industry 
and  then  he  began  to  Bat  450  and  Field 
998. 

After  the  dusty  Workmen  had  manufac 
tured  the  Product,  and  the  Salesmen  had 
unloaded  it,  and  the  Collectors  had  brought 
in  the  Dinero,  then  Elam  had  to  sit  at  a 
Mahogany  Desk  with  a  Picture  of  Clau- 
dine  in  front  of  him,  and  figure  how  much  of 
the  hard-earned  Mazuma  would  be  doled 
out  to  his  greedy  Employees. 

Sometimes  he  would  be  compelled  to  fork 
over  nearly  half  of  the  Gross,  whereupon 
his  Heart  would  ache  and  he  would  become 
Morose. 

In  a  few  Years  he  had  a  lot  of  new  Build 
ings,  with  Skylights  and  improved  Ma 
chinery  and  all  sorts  of  humane  Appliances 

[261] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

to  enable  the  Working  Force  to  increase 
the  Output. 

As  the  Bank  Account  expanded  and  the 
Happy  Couple  found  themselves  going  up, 
Claudine  began  to  scan  the  Horizon  and 
act  restless-like. 

She  said  the  Home  Town  was  Impossible. 
It  certainly  did  seem  Contrary  to  Reason. 

Any  Woman  with  a  salaried  Husband 
could  bust  into  Society  if  she  sang  in  a 
Choir  or  owned  an  Ice-cream  Freezer. 

Claudine  was  for  migrating  to  some  high- 
toned  Community  beyond  the  Rising  Sun, 
where  she  could  sit  in  Marble  Halls  and 
compare  Jewelry  with  proud  Duennas  of  her 
own  Station. 

Seeing  Claudine  at  the  corner  of  8th  and 
Central,  waiting  for  the  Open  Car,  one 
would  not  have  suspected  that  she  harbored 
Intentions  on  the  Court  Circles  of  Europe. 

One  would  merely  have  guessed  that  she 

[262] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

was  on  her  way  to  the  Drug  Store  to  pur 
chase  much  Camphor. 

But  she  had  taken  a  peek  at  the  Palm 
Rooms  and  the  powdered  Lackeys  and  the 
Tea  Riot  at  the  Plaza,  and  she  was  panting 
inwardly. 

She  wanted  to  hang  a  silver  Bell  around 
her  neck  and  go  galloping  with  the  white- 
faced  Thoroughbreds. 

It  was  no  good  trying  to  work  up  Speed 
on  a  half-mile  track  in  the  Prairie  Loam. 

Once  in  a  while  Claudine  made  a  bold 
Sashay  to  start  something  devilish,  but  the 
Fillies  trained  on  the  Farm  did  not  seem 
gaited  for  the  Grand  Circuit. 

As  for  the  Servant  Problem,  it  was  some 
thing  ferocious.  City  Help  could  not  be 
lured  to  the  Tall  Grass,  and  all  the  Locals 
had  been  schooled  at  the  Railway  Eating- 
House. 

Elam  and  Claudine  had  a  Cook  named 

[263] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Gusta,  born  somewhere  near  the  Arctic 
Circle  in  Europe. 

Her  fried  Chicken  drowned  in  thick 
Gravy  came  under  the  head  of  Regular 
Food. 

She  could  turn  out  Waffles  as  long  as 
there  was  a  Customer  in  sight.  The  Bis 
cuit  on  which  she  specialized  were  light 
as  Down. 

The  Things  she  fixed  to  Eat  were  Fine 
and  Dandy  but  she  never  had  heard  of  a 
Cuisine. 

When  you  took  her  away  from  regular 
Chow  and  made  her  tackle  something  Cas 
serole  or  En  Tasse,  she  blew. 

Also  there  was  a  Maid  who  should  have 
belonged  to  the  Stevedores'  Union. 

She  could  pack  Victuals  in  from  the  But 
tery  and  slam  them  down  on  the  Table, 
a  la  Commercial  Hotel,  but  when  it  came 
to  building  up  an  intricate  Design  with 

[264] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

an  ingrowing  Napkin,  three  spoons,  four 
Knives,  five  forks,  and  all  the  long-stemmed 
Glasses,  to  say  nothing  of  an  artful  pyramid 
ing  of  Cut  Flowers  around  the  Candelabra, 
then  she  was  simply  a  female  Blacksmith. 

Claudine  would  throw  a  Dinner  once  in 
a  while,  just  to  subdue  the  Wife  and  Daugh 
ter  of  the  National  Bank,  but  the  Crew 
would  nearly  always  crab  the  Entertain 
ment. 

With  the  Support  accorded  by  the  solid 
ivory  Staff,  she  had  a  fat  Chance  to  give 
a  correct  Imitation  of  Mrs.  Stuyvesant 
Fish. 

All  during  the  nine  Courses  she  had  to 
yelp  more  Orders  than  the  Foreman  of  a 
Street  Gang.  A  Megaphone  would  have 
helped  some. 

The  Hostess  who  wishes  to  look  and 
carry  on  like  a  Duchess,  certainly  finds  it 
vexing  when  pop-eyed  Lizzie  leans  against 

[265] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

all  of  the  principal  Guests  in  turn  and  then 
endeavors  to  shoot  the  Episcopalian  Rec 
tor  in  the  Neck  with  a  gush  of  real  Cham 
pagne. 

After  one  of  these  sad  Affairs,  at  which 
the  Rummies  had  balled  up  the  whole  Menu, 
Claudine  came  to  the  front  with  an  Ulti 
matum.  She  said  she  was  going  to  can 
the  awful  Birthplace  and  spend  the  remain 
der  of  her  Natural  among  the  real  Rowdy- 
Dows. 

"Right-o,  Babe!"  spoke  up  Elam.  "To 
day  I  have  put  the  Works  into  a  new  Com 
bine  which  makes  me  a  Janitor  so  far  as 
the  Plant  is  concerned,  but  boosts  me  into 
the  Charley  Schwab  division  when  it  comes 
to  Collateral.  I  have  three  million  Iron 
Boys  and  most  of  it  is  Turkey.  I  am  foot 
loose  and  free  as  a  Robin.  Let  us  beat  it 
to  the  Big  Show.  It  is  about  time  that  the 
vast  Territory  lying  toward  the  East  should 

[266] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

be  aroused  from  its  Lethargy.     Go  as  far 
as  you  like." 

The  two  were  foxy.  For  monetary  and 
real-estate  Reasons  they  did  not  give  it  out 
cold  that  they  were  making  a  final  Getaway. 
They  planned  to  have  Gusta  remain  at  the 
dear  old  Dump  as  a  Caretaker,  but  it  was 
merely  a  Bluff. 

When  the  Town  Hack  followed  a  Wagon- 
Load  of  Trunks  to  the  Depot,  Claudine 
leaned  out  and  said:  "Fare  thee  well,  O  you 
Indian  Village!  This  is  the  Parting  of  the 
Ways  for  little  Sunshine." 

Next  we  see  them  in  the  gaudy  Diner, 
eating  Sweetbreads. 

Next  day  thousands  of  warm-hearted  New 
Yorkers  were  packed  along  the  W7ater  Front 
all  the  Way  from  the  Battery  to  Grant's 
Tomb,  giving  royal  Welcome  to  the  Corn-fed 
Pilgrims.  At  any  rate,  they  were  Packed. 

When  Elam  and  Claudine  entered  the 

[267] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Hotel,  the  discerning  Bell-hops  had  them 
stand  back  until  the  others  had  registered. 

They  were  Important  but  they  did  not 
carry  any  Signs. 

Elam  should  have  worn  the  Letter  of 
Credit  on  the  outside. 

After  they  had  taken  the  Imperial  Suite 
and  invited  all  the  Servants  on  the  Twelfth 
Floor  to  a  Silver  Shower,  they  found  that 
the  Call-Bells  worked  fine.  If  Elam  moved 
in  the  general  direction  of  a  Button,  a 
handsome  West  Pointer  would  flit  in  with 
a  pitcher  of  Iced  Water  and  then  hover 
around  for  his  Bit. 

Both  realized  that  the  first  requisite  was 
a  lot  of  new  Scenery. 

Even  when  they  rapped  sharply  with  a 
Spoon  and  ordered  Gargon  to  hurry  up  the 
Little  Birds  with  a  Flagon  of  St.  Regis 
Bubbles  to  come  along  as  a  Drench,  they 
realized  that  they  did  not  look  the  Parts. 

[268] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

Elam  still  combed  his  Hair  in  the  style 
approved  by  the  "Barbers'  Guide  and  Man 
ual"  for  1887. 

Claudine  was  fully  clothed  as  far  up  as 
her  Neck  and  didn't  have  the  Nerve  to 
hoist  the  Lorgnette. 

Elam  went  out  and  had  himself  draped 
by  a  swagger  Tailor  who  was  said  to  do  a 
lot  of  Work  for  the  Vanderbilt  Boys. 

In  his  Afternoon  Wear  he  resembled  the 
Manager  of  a  Black-Goods  Department. 

After  donning  the  complete  Soup  and 
Fish,  known  in  swozzey  circles  as  Thirteen 
and  the  Odd,  he  didn't  look  as  much  like 
a  WTaiter  as  one  might  have  supposed.  He 
looked  more  like  the  'Bus  who  takes  away 
the  Dishes. 

Claudine  yielded  herself  up  to  a  Modiste. 
The  Good  Woman  from  out  of  Town  was 
a  trifle  Long  in  the  Tooth  at  this  stage  of 
our  Narrative,  but  Mme.  Bunk  convinced 

[269] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

her  that  she  was  about  half  way  between 
the  Trundle  Bed  and  her  First  Party. 

She  ordered  all  the  Chic  Novelties  recom 
mended  for  Flappers,  so  that  Flam  began 
to  walk  about  ten  feet  behind  her,  wonder 
ing  vaguely  if  his  Family  was  still  respect 
able. 

The  new  Harness  and  a  careless  habit 
of  counting  Money  in  Public  soon  gave 
them  an  enviable  Reputation  in  the  prin 
cipal  Cafes,  although  they  could  not  ob 
serve  that  they  were  moving  any  nearer  to 
the  Newport  Colony. 

The  shift  from  Pig's  Knuckles  to  Am 
brosia  and  Nectar  had  been  a  little  sudden 
for  Flam,  and  sometimes,  when  they  were 
darting  hither  and  thither,  from  Road- 
House  to  Play-House  and  thence  to  the 
Louis  XIV  Sitting-Room  by  way  of  the 
Tango-Joint,  he  would  moan  a  little  and 
act  like  a  Quitter. 

[270] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

Whereupon  Claudine  would  jack  him 
up  and  tell  him  to  pull  out  his  Cuffs  and 
push  back  the  Forelock  and  try  to  be  Hu 
man. 

No  use.  He  was  strictly  Ritz-Carlton 
from  the  Pumps  to  the  Topper,  but  the 
word  "Boob"  was  plainly  stenciled  on  the 
glossy  Front. 

When  they  had  conquered  all  the  Eating- 
Places  in  the  Tenderloin  they  moved  on  to 
Europe,  where  they  were  just  as  welcome 
as  Influenza. 

It  was  great  to  sit  in  the  Savoy  at 
the  Supper  Hour,  surrounded  by  the  best 
known  people  mentioned  in  the  Court  Cir 
culars. 

It  was  indeed  a  privilege  for  Elam  and 
Claudine  to  be  among  the  British  Cousins, 
even  if  the  British  Cousins  did  not  seem  to 
place  Elam  and  Claudine. 

Looking  in  any  direction  they  could  see 

[271] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

naught  but  frosty  and  forbidding  Shoulder 
Blades. 

After  partaking  of  their  Sole  and  Grouse 
and  winning  a  pleasant  "Good-Night" 
from  the  Chevalier  in  the  Check-Room, 
they  would  escape  to  their  Apartments  and 
talk  to  the  Dog. 

In  Paris  they  did  better. 

They  learned  that  by  going  out  on  the 
Boulevard  and  whistling,  they  could  sum 
mon  a  whole  Regiment  of  high-born  and 
patrician  Down-and-Outers. 

Most  of  the  Titles  were  slightly  worm- 
eaten  and  spotted  with  Scale,  but  never 
theless  Genuine. 

It  was  Nuts  for  Claudine  to  assemble  all 
of  the  Noblemen  to  be  picked  up  around  the 
Lobby  and  give  them  a  free  run  and  jump 
at  the  Carte  du  Jour. 

Her  Dinners  soon  became  the  talk  of  the 
Chambermaids  employed  at  the  Hotel. 

[272] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

Any  one  willing  to  cut  loose  on  Caviar 
and  stuff  raised  under  Glass  will  never  have 
to  dine  alone  in  gay  Paree. 

Whenever  Elam  made  a  noise  like  1000 
Frongs  he  found  a  lot  of  well-bred  Con 
noisseurs  at  his  Elbow,  all  ready  to  have 
something  unusual  brought  up  from  the 
Cellar. 

The  securing  of  an  Invitation  to  one  of 
Claudine's  formal  Dinners  was  almost  as 
difficult  as  getting  into  Luna  Park. 

However,  the  list  of  guests  sounded  Real 
when  sent  back  to  America  and  printed 
for  the  entertainment  of  persons  living  in 
Boarding-Houses. 

Claudine  became  slightly  puffed.  When 
she  found  herself  between  a  couple  of  per 
fumed  Lads  wearing  Medals  she  would  give 
Friend  Husband  the  Office  to  move  to  one 
side  and  curl  up  in  the  Grass  and  not  ruin 
the  Ensemble  by  butting  in. 

[273] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Elam  was  usually  at  the  foot  of  the 
Table  behind  a  mass  of  Orchids.  Once 
in  a  while  he  would  try  to  crowd  into  the 
Conversation  just  to  let  them  know  that 
old  Ready  Money  was  still  present,  but 
every  time  he  came  up  Dearie  would  do  her 
blamedest  to  Bean  him  and  put  him  out  of 
the  Game. 

Claudine  could  make  a  stab  at  the  new 
Pictures  in  the  Salon  and  even  run  nimbly 
around  the  edge  of  the  Futurist  vogue. 

Elam  was  ready  to  discuss  Steamship 
Lines  or  Railway  Accommodations,  but 
when  he  was  put  against  the  Tall  Brows  he 
began  to  burn  low  and  smell  of  the  Wick. 

Often,  when  surfeited  with  Truffles,  he 
would  wonder  what  had  become  of  the  Green 
Corn,  the  K.  and  K.,  the  regular  Chicken 
with  Giblets,  the  Hot  Cherry  Pie,  the  smok 
ing  Oyster  Stew,  and  the  Smearcase  with 
Chives,  such  as  Gusta  used  to  send  in. 

[274] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

These  reminders  of  a  lowly  Past  were 
very  distasteful  to  Claudine. 

Once  he  talked  in  his  Sleep  about  Cod 
fish  Balls,  and  next  morning  she  lit  on  him 
something  ramfugious. 

After  the  Parisian  triumphs  it  seemed  a 
safe  bet  to  return  home  and  make  a  new 
effort  to  mingle  with  the  Face-Cards. 

This  time  they  took  a  House  in  New  York 
and  went  after  Grand  Opera  as  if  they 
knew  \vhat  it  was  about. 

The  Son  of  an  Earl  consented  to  Buttle 
for  them.  He  refused  them  Butter  with 
their  Meals  and  kept  them  trembling  most 
of  the  time,  but  they  determined  to  do  things 
Right,  even  if  both  died  of  Nervous  Pros 
tration. 

When  they  began  making  real  Headway 
and  were  recognized  in  the  Park  by  some 
of  the  Headliners,   Claudine  would  chide 
Elam  for  his  early  Doubts  and  Fears. 
[275] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

"This  has  got  the  Middle  West  skinned 
forty  ways  from  the  Jack,"  she  would 
exclaim,  gayly,  as  they  motored  up  the 
Avenue.  "Me  for  the  White  Lights!  It's 
a  good  thing  you  had  a  Pacemaker  or  you 
would  now  be  wearing  detachable  Cuffs  and 
putting  Sugar  on  your  Lettuce." 

Two  years  had  elapsed  since  the  escape 
from  being  Buried  Alive. 

They  were,  to  all  outward  appearances, 
City-broke. 

One  day  Claudine  allowed  that  she  was 
tired  of  Bridge  and  the  gay  Routine.  She 
announced  that  she  was  slipping  away 
to  Virginia  Hot  Springs  to  cool  off  and 
rest. 

Elam  said  that  while  she  was  lying  up, 
he  would  inspect  certain  Mining  Properties 
in  Canada. 

He  drove  Honey  to  the  train,  then  he 
tore  back  to  the  palatial  Home,  chucked 

[276] 


THE  LONESOME  CAMP 

a  few  Props  into  a  Suit  Case  and  headed  for 
the  Grand  Central. 

He  never  stopped  going  until  he  ducked 
in  the  Back  Way,  through  the  Grape  Arbor, 
past  the  Woodshed,  into  the  Kitchen  of  the 
old  Homestead  in  which  he  first  saw  the 
Light  of  Day. 

Gusta  nearly  keeled  when  she  lamped  the 
long-lost  Boss. 

"  Get  busy,"  he  said.  "  One  fried  Steak, 
the  size  of  a  Lap-Robe,  smothered  with 
Onions,  two  dozen  Biscuits  without  any 
Armor  Plate,  one  bushel  of  home-made 
Pork  and  Beans,  much  Butter,  and  a  Gallon 
of  Coffee  in  a  Tureen." 

"You  will  have  to  wait  a  while,"  said  the 
faithful  Gusta.  "There  is  a  double  order 
of  Ham  and  Turnips  ahead  of  you.  While 
you  are  waiting  you  might  go  up  and  call 
on  the  Missus.  She  has  put  on  her  old 

[277] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Blue  Wrapper  and  the  Yarn  Slippers  and 
is  now  lying  on  a  Feather  Tick  in  the  Spare 
Room." 

MORAL:     The   only    City   People    are 
those  born  so. 


[2781 


He  talked  Numbers  to  himself  as  he  sped  along 
and  mumbled  over  the  important  Letters  he  was 
about  to  dictate 


THE  NEW  FABLE    OF    THE  MARA 
THON  IN   THE    MUD   AND 
THE  LAUREL   WREATH 

A  STUB-NOSED  Primary  Pupil,  richly 
endowed  with  old-gold  Freckles,  lived  in  a 
one-cylinder  Town,  far  from  the  corroding 
influences  of  the  Stock  Exchange. 

He  arrived  during  the  age  of  Board  Side 
walks,  Congress  Gaiters,  and  Pie  for  Break 
fast. 

The  Paper  Collar,  unmindful  of  the  ap 
proaching  Celluloid,  was  still  affected  by 
the  more  tony  Dressers.  Prison-made  Bow 
Ties,  with  the  handy  elastic  Fastener,  were 
then  considered  right  Natty. 

Limousines,  Eugenics,  Appendicitis,  and 
the  regulation  of  Combines  were  beyond  the 

[281] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

rise  of  the  Hill,  so  the  talk  was  mostly  about 
the  Weather  and  Married  Women. 

The  baptismal  Cognomen  of  the  mottled 
Offspring  was  Alexander  Campbell  Purvis, 
but  on  account  of  his  sunny  Disposition  he 
was  known  to  the  Countryside  as  Aleck. 

One  morning  the  Lad  did  his  crawl  from 
under  the  Quilt  at  an  hour  when  our  Best 
People  of  the  new  Century  are  sending 
away  the  empty  Siphons. 

He  was  acting  on  a  Hunch. 

The  far-famed  Yankee  Robinson  show, 
with  the  Trick  Mule  and  the  smiling  Tum 
blers,  had  exhibited  the  day  before  on  the 
vacant  Lot  between  the  Grist-Mill  and  the 
Parsonage. 

Aleck  was  familiar  with  the  juvenile  Tra 
dition  that  Treasure  could  be  discovered 
at  or  near  the  trampled  Spot  on  which  the 
Ticket- Wagon  had  been  anchored. 

It  was  known  that  the  agitated  Yahoos 

[282] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

from  up  in  the  Catfish  Country  were  likely 
to  fumble  and  spill  their  saved-up  Currency, 
thereby  avoiding  the  trouble  of  handing  it 
over  to  the  Grafters  later  on. 

Aleck  was  the  first  Prospector  to  show. 
He  got  busy  and  uncovered  a  Silver  Buck. 

It  looked  about  the  size  of  a  Ferris  Wheel. 

While  beating  it  for  the  parental  Roof  he 
began  laying  out  in  his  Mind  all  the  Pleas 
ures  of  the  Flesh  that  he  could  command 
with  the  Mass  of  Lucre. 

The  miscue  he  made  was  to  flash  his  For 
tune  in  the  Family  Circle. 

After  breakfast  he  found  himself  being 
steered  to  the  Farmers  &  Merchants'  Bank. 

He  was  pried  away  from  the  Cart- Wheel 
and  given  a  teeny  little  Book  which  showed 
that  he  was  a  Depositor. 

"Now,  Alexander  C.,"  said  his  Ma,  "if 
you  will  shin  up  the  ladder  and  pick  Cher 
ries  every  day  this  week  at  two  cents  per 

1283] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Quart,  by  nightfall  of  Saturday  you  will 
have  another  Case-Note  to  put  into  Cold 
Storage." 

"But,  if  I  continue  dropping  the  pro 
ceeds  of  my  Labor  into  the  Reservoir,  what 
is  there  in  it  for  me?"  asked  the  inquisitive 
Chick. 

His  mother  replied,  "Why,  you  will  have 
the  Gratification  of  moving  up  to  the  Win 
dow  at  the  Bank  and  earning  a  Smile  of 
Approbation  from  old  Mr.  Fishberry  with 
the  Throat  Whiskers." 

So  the  aspiring  Manikin  clung  to  the  per 
ilous  Tree-Tops  day  after  day,  dropping  the 
ruby  Cherries  into  the  suspended  Bucket, 
while  all  of  the  Relatives  stood  on  the 
ground  and  applauded. 

One  day  there  was  a  Conference  and  it 
was  discovered  that  little  Aleck  was  solvent 
to  the  extent  of  $2.80. 

"Would  it  not  be  Rayzorius?"  queried 

[284] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

the  Sire  of  Alexander;  "would  it  not  be 
Ipskalene  if  Aleck  kept  on  and  on  until  he 
had  assembled  five  whole  Dollars?" 

Thus  spurred  to  Endeavor  by  a  large  and 
rooting  Gallery,  the  Urchin  went  prowling 
for  Old  Iron,  which  he  trundled  off  to  the 
Junkman. 

Also  for  empty  Bottles,  which  he  labori 
ously  scoured  and  delivered  at  the  Drug 
Store  for  a  mere  dribble  of  Chicken  Feed. 

The  sheet  of  Copper  brought  a  tidy  Sum, 
while  old  Mrs.  Arbuckle  wondered  what 
had  become  of  her  Wash-Boiler. 

With  a  V  to  his  Credit,  Aleck  put  a  Pad 
lock  on  every  Pocket  in  his  Store  Suit  and 
went  Money-Mad. 

He  acquired  a  Runt  and  swilled  it  with 
solicitude  until  the  Butcher  made  him  an 
offer. 

It  was  a  proud  Moment  when  he  eased  in 
the  $7.60  to  T.  W.  Fishberry,  who  told  him 

[285] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

to  keep  on  scrouging  and  some  day  he  would 
own  a  share  in  the  Building  &  Loan. 

Our  Hero  fooled  away  his  time  in  School 
until  he  was  all  of  eleven  years  old,  when  he 
became  associated  with  one  Blodgett  in  the 
Grocery  Business,  at  a  weekly  Insult  of 
Two  Bones. 

All  the  time  Aleck  was  cleaning  the  Coal- 
Oil  Lamps  or  watching  the  New  Orleans 
Syrup  trickle  into  the  Jug,  he  was  figuring 
how  much  of  the  Stipend  he  could  segregate 
and  isolate  and  set  aside  for  the  venerable 
Mr.  Fishberry,  the  Taker-In  up  at  the  Bank 
with  the  Chinchilla  on  the  Larynx. 

For  ten  long  years  the  White  Slave  tested 
Eggs  and  scooped  the  C  Sugar. 

When  Aleck  became  of  Age,  Mr.  Blodgett 
was  compelling  him  to  take  $30  the  first  of 
every  month. 

He  lived  on  Snowballs  in  the  Winter  and 
Dandelions  in  the  Summer,  but  he  had  paid 

[2861 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

$800  on  a  two-story  Brick  facing  Railroad 
Street. 

His  name  was  a  Byword  and  Hissing 
among  the  Pool-Players.  Nevertheless,  he 
stood  Ace  High  with  the  old  Two-per-cent-a 
Month  up  at  the  Abattoir  known  as  the 
Farmers  &  Merchants'  Bank. 

The  Boys  who  dropped  in  every  thirty 
Days  came  to  know  him  as  a  Wise  Fish  and 
a  Close  Buyer.  They  boosted  at  Head 
quarters,  so  the  first  thing  you  know  Aleck 
was  a  Drummer,  with  two  Grips  bigger 
than  Dog-Houses  and  a  chance  to  swing 
on  the  Expense  Account. 

A  lowly  and  unsung  Wanamaker  would 
be  sitting  in  his  Prunery,  wearing  Yarn 
Wristlets  to  keep  warm  and  meditating 
another  Attack  on  the  Bottle  of  Stomach 
Bitters  in  the  Safe,  when  Aleck  would 
breeze  in  and  light  on  him  and  sell  him  sev 
eral  Gross  of  something  he  didn't  need. 

[287] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

The  Traveling  Salesman  dug  up  many 
a  Cross-Roads  overlooked  by  the  Map- 
Makers. 

He  knew  how  to  pin  a  Rube  against  the 
Wall  and  make  him  say  "Yes." 

He  rode  in  Cabooses,  fought  the  Roller- 
Towels,  endured  the  Taunts  of  Ess,  Bess, 
and  Tess  who  shot  the  Sody  Biscuit,  and 
reclined  in  the  Chamber  of  Horrors,  entirely 
surrounded  by  Wall-Paper,  but  what  cared 
he? 

He  was  salting  the  Spon. 

He  was  closing  in  on  the  Needful. 

For  a  term  of  years  he  lived  on  Time- 
Tables  and  slept  sitting  up. 

Day  after  day  he  dog-trotted  through  a 
feverish  Routine  of  unpacking  and  packing, 
and  then  climbing  back  to  the  superheated 
Day  Coach  among  the  curdled  Smells. 

Every  January  1st  he  did  a  Gaspard 
Chuckle  when  he  checked  up  the  total 

[288] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

Get,  for  now  he  owned  two  Brick  Build 
ings  and  had  tasted  a  little  Blood  in  the 
way  of  Chattel  Mortgages. 

One  of  the  partners  in  the  Jobbing  Con 
cern  happened  to  die.  Before  Rigor  Mortis 
could  set  in  or  the  Undertaker  had  time  to 
flash  a  Tape  Measure,  Aleck  was  up  at  the 
grief-stricken  Home  to  cop  out  an  Option 
on  the  Interest. 

Now  he  could  give  the  Cackle  to  all  the 
Knights  of  the  Road  who  had  blown  their 
Substance  along  the  gay  White  Ways  of 
Crawfordsville,  Bucyrus,  and  Sedalia. 

He  was  the  real  Gazook  with  a  Glass 
Cage,  a  sliding  Desk  and  a  whole  Battery  of 
Rubber  Stamps. 

In  order  to  learn  every  Kink  of  the  Game, 
freeze  out  the  other  Holders  of  Stock  and 
gradually  possess  himself  of  all  the  Money 
in  the  World,  Aleck  now  found  it  necessary 
to  organize  himself  into  both  a  Day  and  a 

[289] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

Night  Shift  and  have  his  Lunches  brought 
in. 

The  various  Smoothenheimers  who  were 
out  on  the  Road  had  a  proud  chance  to 
get  by  with  the  padded  Expense  Account. 
Aleck  could  smell  a  Phoney  before  he  opened 
the  Envelope,  because  that  is  how  he  got 
His. 

With  a  three-ton  Burden  on  his  aching 
Shoulders,  he  staggered  up  the  flinty  In 
cline. 

Away  back  yonder,  while  sleeping  above 
the  Store,  a  vision  had  come  to  him.  He 
saw  himself  sitting  as  a  Director  at  a  Bank 
Meeting  —  an  enlarged  and  glorified  Fish- 
berry. 

Now  he  was  playing  Fox  and  pulling  for 
the  Dream  to  work  out. 

The  cold-eyed  Custodians  up  at  the  main 
Fortress  of  Credit  began  to  take  notice  of  the 
Rustler. 

[290] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

He  was  a  Glutton  for  Punishment,  a  Dis 
counter  from  away  back,  and  a  Demon  for 
applying  the  Acid  Test  to  every  Account. 

He  was  a  Sure-Thinger,  air-tight  and 
playing  naught  but  Cinches.  No  wonder 
they  all  took  a  slant  at  him  and  spotted  him 
as  a  Comer. 

The  Business  Associates  of  Alexander 
liked  to  see  Europe  from  the  inside  every 
summer  and  investigate  the  Cocktail  Crop 
of  Florida  every  winter,  so  they  allowed  him 
to  be  the  Works. 

He  began  building  the  Skids  which  finally 
carried  them  to  the  Fresh  Air  and  left  only 
one  name  on  the  Gold  Sign. 

Up  to  his  Chin  in  Debt  and  with  a  Panic 
looming  on  the  Horizon,  it  behooved  Alex 
ander  to  be  on  the  job  at  7:30  A.  M.  and 
hang  around  to  scan  the  Pay-Roll  until 
9:30  P.M. 

Ofttimes  while  galloping  from  his  Apart- 

[291] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

ment  to  the  Galleys  or  chasing  homeward 
to  grab  off  a  few  wasteful  hours  of  Slumber, 
he  would  see  People  of  the  Lower  Classes 
going  out  to  the  Parks  with  Picnic  Baskets, 
or  lined  up  at  the  Vaudeville  Palaces,  or 
watching  a  hard-faced  Soubrette  demon 
strate  something  in  a  Show  Window. 

It  got  him  to  think  Dubs  could  frivol 
around  and  waste  the  golden  Moments 
when  they  might  be  hopping  on  to  a  Ten- 
Cent  Piece. 

His  usual  Gait  was  that  of  a  man  going  for 
the  Doctor,  and  he  talked  Numbers  to  him 
self  as  he  sped  along  and  mumbled  over  the 
important  Letters  he  was  about  to  dictate. 

Those  who  were  pushed  out  of  his  way 
would  overhear  a  scrap  or  two  of  the  Raving 
and  think  he  was  Balmy. 

The  answer  is  that  every  hard-working 
Business  Guy  acts  as  if  he  had  Screech- 
Owls  in  the  Tower. 

[292] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

Aleck  had  his  whole  Staff  so  buffaloed 
that  the  Hirelings  tried  to  keep  up  with  him, 
so  that  Life  in  the  Beehive  was  just  one 
thing  after  another,  with  no  Intermission. 

The  Whip  cracked  every  five  minutes,  and 
the  Help  would  dig  in  their  toes  and  take  a 
fresh  lean-up  against  the  Collars,  for  the 
Main  Squeeze  was  trying  to  be  a  Bank 
Director,  and  Rockefeller  had  stolen  a  long 
start  on  him. 

With  a  thousand  important  Details  claim 
ing  his  attention,  Aleck  had  no  time  to 
monkey  with  side  issues  such  as  the  general 
State  of  his  Health  or  the  multifarious  plans 
for  uplifting  the  Flat-Heads  that  he  could 
see  from  his  Window. 

Those  who  recommended  Golf  to  him 
seemed  to  forget  that  no  one  ever  laid  by 
anything  while  on  the  Links. 

As  for  the  Plain  People,  his  only  Convic 
tion  when  he  surveyed  them  in  the  Mass 

[293] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

was  that  every  Man-Jack  was  holding  back 
Money  that  rightfully  belonged  to  him 
(Alexander) . 

Needless  to  say,  the  battling  Financier 
was  made  welcome  at  the  Directors'  Table 
and  handed  a  piece  of  a  Trust  Company  and 
became  an  honored  Guest  when  any  Melon 
was  to  be  sliced. 

All  that  he  dreamt  while  sleeping  in  the 
cold  room  over  the  Store  had  eventuated 
for  fair. 

The  more  Irons  in  the  Fire,  the  more 
flip-flops  he  turned. 

He  never  paused,  except  to  weep  over  the 
fact  that  some  of  the  rival  Procurers  were 
getting  more  than  he  could  show.  It  was  an 
unjust  World. 

Brushing  away  the  salty  Tears,  he  would 
leap  seven  feet  into  the  Air  and  spear  a 
passing  Dollar. 

By  the  time  he  had  the  Million  necessary 

[294] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

for  the  support  of  a  suitable  and  well- 
recommended  Lady,  he  was  too  busy  to  go 
chasing  and  too  foxy  to  split  his  Pile  with  a 
rank  Outsider. 

His  Motor-Car  squawked  at  the  Sparrow 
Cops  when  they  waved  their  Arms. 

The  engineer  who  pulled  the  Private  Car 
always  had  his  Orders  to  hit  it  up. 

Sometimes  the  Private  Secretary  would 
drop  out  from  Exhaustion,  but  the  Hu 
man  Dynamo  never  slowed  up.  He  would 
shout  his  General  Orders  into  the  Cylinder 
of  a  Talking  Machine. 

He  reposed  at  Night  with  a  Ticker  on  his 
Bosom  and  a  Receiver  at  his  Ear. 

When  he  finally  flew  the  Track  and  blew 
out  the  Carburetor,  they  had  to  use  a  Net 
to  get  him  under  Control  so  that  he  could 
be  carted  away  to  the  Hospital. 

Then  the  Trained  Nurse  had  to  practise 
all  the  Trick  Holds  known  to  Frank  Gotch 

[295] 


ADE'S  FABLES 

to  keep  him  from  arising  to  resume  the  grim 
Battle  against  his  Enemies  on  the  Board. 

He  fluttered  long  before  calming  down, 
but  finally  they  got  him  all  spread  out  and 
as  nice  a  Patient  as  one  could  wish  to  see. 

When  he  was  too  weak  to  start  anything, 
Doc  sat  down  and  cheered  him  along  by 
telling  what  Precautions  should  have  been 
taken,  along  about  1880. 

"And  now,  I  have  some  News  for  you," 
said  the  Practitioner,  holding  in  his  Grief  so 
well  that  no  one  could  notice  it.  "You  are 
going  away  from  here.  Owing  to  the  total 
absence  of  many  Organs  commonly  re 
garded  as  essential,  it  will  be  impossible  for 
you  to  go  back  to  the  Desk  and  duplicate 
any  of  your  notable  Stunts.  No  doubt  we 
shall  be  able  to  engage  Six  Men  of  Present 
able  Appearance  to  act  as  Pall-Bearers.  It 
is  our  purpose  to  proceed  to  the  Cemetery 
by  Automobile  so  as  not  to  impede  Traffic 

[296] 


THE  MARATHON  IN  THE  MUD 

on  any  of  the  Surface  Lines  in  which  you 
are  so  heavily  interested.  I  congratulate 
you  on  getting  so  far  along  before  being 
tripped  up,  and  I  am  wondering  if  you  have 
a  Final  Request  to  make." 

"Just  one,"  replied  the  Great  Man.  "I'd 
like  to  have  you  or  somebody  else  tell  me 
what  it's  all  been  about." 

The  only  remaining  Fact  to  be  chronicled 
is  that  the  original  Dollar,  picked  up  on  the 
Circus  Lot,  was  found  among  the  Effects. 

A  Nephew,  whom  Alexander  Campbell 
Purvis  never  had  seen,  took  the  Dollar  and 
with  it  purchased  two  Packs  of  Egyptian 
Cigaroots,  Regal  size,  with  Gold  Tips. 

MORAL:  A  pinch  of  Change,  carefully 
put  by,  always  comes  in  handy. 

THE    END 


[297] 


THE   COUNTRY    LIFE    PRESS 
GARDEN   CITY,    N.  Y. 


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